Siblings of Addicts Community Group
I created this group because I think often when there is an addict in the family the siblings of the addicts often go unnoticed. I have found numerous support groups for the parents of, the spouses of, and even the children of addicts but nothing really to specialize in the siblings of addicts department and feel it is well overdue. I hope in this group other siblings of...
I'm new here. I recently felt compelled to get some support from people who can relate to my situation a little better. I would really love some feedback here so I'm trying not to write a book but it is quite a long story. I'm the youngest of three girls. I'm 23, my sisters are 30 and 32. My parents divorced 18 years ago and our father has mostly been out of the picture since. 2 and a half years ago we found out that my sister, the 30 yr. old, had been doing meth. I was already aware of her a prescription drug addiction and was trying to help her overcome that. When we found out about the meth my mother stopped giving her money and took away her car. After months of begging her to get help she finally had her children's father take her two girls and committed herself into an outpatient therapy program and was prescribed meds to help the cravings. That's when the drinking began. After completing the 9 month program she is still on her meds but now she has to drink if she needs to function, though since she has no responsibilities she rarely has to be functional and mostly stays in her apartment and stays drunk. She goes to the doctor and knows what to say to get him to give her the type of pills she wants. She manipulates my mother into doing things for her or making her believe certain things. She is VERY good at that. I'm at the point of resentment. I have been for a while. My oldest sister hasn't spoken to her since we found out about the meth. I haven't gone to that extreme yet but I think I'm getting close. I avoid her if at all possible. What fuels her addiction is our mother and father. He was abusive in every way and my mother was aware for years but was too scared to leave. The messed up part is she holds more resentment towards our mother than our father. Our mom has done everything she could to make up for not leaving our Dad sooner. Dad has had no part in our lives until my sister found out he had a methadone prescription. She then started a relationship with him. Took her 2 daughters to see him and even has a photo of them sitting on his lap. But she says its our mothers fault that she is an addict. I know shes got a lot of pain and a lot of anger inside of her. But I can't continue to live in the past and she refuses to move on. It took me a long time to let go of those negative feelings but I'm afraid I could go back there again. I don't think I know how to help her without putting myself at risk. I have my own family depending on me. I can't fall back into that pit. I find myself praying she will get arrested.I hate seeing what its doing to my mom. And I hate to say it, and it makes me feel like a horrible person, but when I'm at my lowest I find myself wishing it was just over already for my own sanity
I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now- I first went to see her when my brother hit an especially low point and I went to her because I wanted her to tell me how to fix him. She told me that there is nothing she can do that will fix him or stop him from what he was doing, but she would do whatever she could do to help me sort through and learn to deal with things and to help me learn some new ways of coping. She has been an absolute blessing.
One thing I have learnt from her is that we are important and our lives matter too... we might not seem to matter too much to the addict, or sometimes even to the rest of our family, but we do need to matter to ourselves. We need to focus on getting better and healing ourselves. It is very important to start getting and keeping ourselves on track- the sad thing is that we don't actually have the power to heal anyone else, they have to make their decisions for themselves and their own lives, we can't change them, they will do whatever they will do and that has been a hard one for me to accept. I always thought I could 'fix things' if I just tried hard enough but the truth is that I can't fix any of it. There is nothing I can do. All I can do is live my own life, I can't live anyone else's.
A big hug to you, I hope you find the help and support you need to get yourself through this and to heal and start to find some happiness again. A few key words you might find useful in your search for help and support: codependency, enabling, adult children of alcoholics. Learning about the term 'codependency' was huge breakthough and eye-opener for me. I have also been going to Al-anon meetings and have found them so very helpful and comforting, it has been amazing to hear other people's stories and to relate so much. Take care and keep coming back, keep in touch, whether it is just to vent or to reach out or whatever, you aren't alone and there are also some very supportive and knowledgable people in this group too :)
In my case, my addict brother behaved much like your sister. He was the master manipulator, loved to dish out guilt trips, blamed everyone except himself. My parents enabled him beyond belief.
You will have to determine the relationship you still want to have with her until she becomes sober. Until I made the decision on the right relationship with my brother I was constantly stressed, grieved, pissed off, etc. at him.
Hugs to you and what you have gone through. Know that there are many here who have been there and are still going through it. Check out the other group mentioned on here as well. Feel free to message me if you need any extra support.
Take care!