Siblings of Addicts Community Group
I created this group because I think often when there is an addict in the family the siblings of the addicts often go unnoticed. I have found numerous support groups for the parents of, the spouses of, and even the children of addicts but nothing really to specialize in the siblings of addicts department and feel it is well overdue. I hope in this group other siblings of...
Hello, everyone. I am new to the group, but not to the comments I am reading from everyone here. The frustration, resentment, brokenheartedness, and isolation from families is very familiar.
I'm an adult sibling of an addict and a part of a family that is very broken on the inside. I'm really glad to find this group. It's weird being an adult and still having such angry and sad feelings toward my parents. I was just with my family for a vacation and saw my addict brother for the first time in a while. He is still doing the same stupid selfish shit and just walking around like the world is a handout (and my parents provide everything for him anyway). After being annoyed, then sad, then angry, then overall bummed, I found myself wondering what if things had been different...how could this have been helped?
But I know that most family-based intervention strategies for addiction focus on the parents' relationship with the addict and they often leaves us sibs out (or we resentfully have to go to the therapy sessions and just sit there watching our parents shout or cry or whatever, feeling incredibly frustrated and often hurt and neglected). My question to all of you is...what would have helped US? Would any of you have appreciated some sort of intervention that sought to help our relationship toward the family? More time with parents (away from our sibs) or maybe some groups for sibs where we could meet others people who know what it is like to live with an addict. I know it might have been nice to meet people I could invite over and not worry about them seeing my brother "on the nod" or worry about saying to them "hey if you have any money, you should make sure to hide it..." I wonder if I would have done it as a teen...
Anyone have any thoughts?
I'm an adult sibling of an addict and a part of a family that is very broken on the inside. I'm really glad to find this group. It's weird being an adult and still having such angry and sad feelings toward my parents. I was just with my family for a vacation and saw my addict brother for the first time in a while. He is still doing the same stupid selfish shit and just walking around like the world is a handout (and my parents provide everything for him anyway). After being annoyed, then sad, then angry, then overall bummed, I found myself wondering what if things had been different...how could this have been helped?
But I know that most family-based intervention strategies for addiction focus on the parents' relationship with the addict and they often leaves us sibs out (or we resentfully have to go to the therapy sessions and just sit there watching our parents shout or cry or whatever, feeling incredibly frustrated and often hurt and neglected). My question to all of you is...what would have helped US? Would any of you have appreciated some sort of intervention that sought to help our relationship toward the family? More time with parents (away from our sibs) or maybe some groups for sibs where we could meet others people who know what it is like to live with an addict. I know it might have been nice to meet people I could invite over and not worry about them seeing my brother "on the nod" or worry about saying to them "hey if you have any money, you should make sure to hide it..." I wonder if I would have done it as a teen...
Anyone have any thoughts?
More time with our parents away from the sibs for sure would have been nice. I know in my case, there is always such a weird uncomfortable dynamic when my addict sibling is around.
But honestly, I am starting to think that the only thing that can help US, is to just come to terms with the fact that we can't change them, we can't change how our parents react to them, we can't change any of it. If I had time, I'd see a counselor about this - I could use someone to talk to about this... but no time, and goodness knows my parents won't have time to babysit for me to go to such an appointment since they are so busy with my sister. Sigh. Trying not to be bitter about this...
My family is messy, always has been. If I had been raised in a normal, functional, loving and emotionally healthy family where they considered me and my feelings and tried to help me through this situation with my brother, then I doubt that my brother would have chosen the path that he is on now, because he would have been raised in the same normal, functional, loving and emotionally healthy family. And I doubt that my ways of coping with the whole situation would be as messed up and crazy as they have been if I had been raised in that family. But my parents weren't capable then of helping me and they aren't capable now of helping me, so I am helping myself... it is either that or stay in depression, despair and misery over my family and I have seriously had enough of that. My brother's choices are his, that doesn't mean that I have to continue to allow his messed up decisions to ruin my life too, that has happened for way too long already.
Haha, sorry for the vent there, like SisterIA, I am also trying not to be bitter about the whole situation but it seems I still have a ways to go...
Other than that, I think things like getting to Al-anon or Al-ateen early on might have helped. Take care and thanks for posting :)
I have this now with my counsellor- I went to her expecting her to help my brother, but she pretty much said "I can't help or change your brother, but I would very much like to help you"... those words still bring a tear to my eye because she was one of the first people in a long time who even noticed that I was struggling and recognised that I also needed help and wanted to help me. And yes, I can understand your resentment during the family therapy... It is still something that is all about everyone else.
Are you doing Al-anon or counselling or anything along those lines? I know from my own experience that there is a lot of stuff in there, within us, that needs to come out and I have found Al-anon and counselling so helpful- I get stuff out there, I take stuff in and relate so much to other people and learn so much from some of the people who have been there and have come out the other side. My meetings and counselling are about me- it is like I have found places where I matter once again.