Siblings of Addicts Community Group
I created this group because I think often when there is an addict in the family the siblings of the addicts often go unnoticed. I have found numerous support groups for the parents of, the spouses of, and even the children of addicts but nothing really to specialize in the siblings of addicts department and feel it is well overdue. I hope in this group other siblings of...
Well, here's my story...
I have a sister who is a crack addict, has worked as a prostitute to fund her habits, got pregnant with a guy who used to be in jail, and the list goes on. Her crap has been going on for 20 years now.... god, I can't believe it's been so long. My mother does everything possible to try and "save her", insists she is not an addict but merely mentally ill (her psychiatrist has diagnosed her with bipolar, then changed his mind and now says she has ADD... ) My mother devotes all her spare time to trying to help my sister, babysitting her child for weeks at a time, even tho my sister doesn't work... my mother has no time for my kids and has asked me not to ask her to babysit unless it's an emergency. Nice.
Last x-mas my sister tried to punch out my other sister, was threatening to kill herself, made a huge scene, kicked my mother in the stomach...
Now that she's no longer claiming to be on the verge of killing herself, I figured it would be safe to cut her out of my life without god-forbid her killing herself and blaming me for it in the suicide note (So no more invites for her to family things at my home, and I won't go to her home with my hubby and kids either)
Now that I've finally cut her out of my life my mother acts like I'M the bad one. All my life I've tried to get my mother's approval, got good grades, didn't rebel, got a degree, good job etc, but it seems like none of that matters. Everything revolves around my addict sister. She treats everyone horribly, but expects everyone to forgive and forget like it never happened. So while I can forgive, I don't forget, and I refuse to go back for more of her verbal abuse. I've cut all ties with her. It's nauseating how HER addiction has destroyed what relationship I had with my mother... I feel like I can do nothing right for my mom, she has no time for me and my family, and is very critical of my decision to cut off my sister.
Worse, I have to see her at family events at my parent's place and my addict sister fauns all over my children as if they are her bff's. It disgusts me. It nauseates me to see her all over my kids like that. They are very young, so don't know what she is yet, but still... I just hate it.
It feels so unfair to have HER addiction negatively affect every family event, and even my relationship with my own mother. I sometimes wonder if she got pregnant just to make it harder for my parents to cut her out of their lives... since she's so messed up, they don't want to abandon their grandson... to see him, they have to see her. It's all so depressing and frustrating.
I have a sister who is a crack addict, has worked as a prostitute to fund her habits, got pregnant with a guy who used to be in jail, and the list goes on. Her crap has been going on for 20 years now.... god, I can't believe it's been so long. My mother does everything possible to try and "save her", insists she is not an addict but merely mentally ill (her psychiatrist has diagnosed her with bipolar, then changed his mind and now says she has ADD... ) My mother devotes all her spare time to trying to help my sister, babysitting her child for weeks at a time, even tho my sister doesn't work... my mother has no time for my kids and has asked me not to ask her to babysit unless it's an emergency. Nice.
Last x-mas my sister tried to punch out my other sister, was threatening to kill herself, made a huge scene, kicked my mother in the stomach...
Now that she's no longer claiming to be on the verge of killing herself, I figured it would be safe to cut her out of my life without god-forbid her killing herself and blaming me for it in the suicide note (So no more invites for her to family things at my home, and I won't go to her home with my hubby and kids either)
Now that I've finally cut her out of my life my mother acts like I'M the bad one. All my life I've tried to get my mother's approval, got good grades, didn't rebel, got a degree, good job etc, but it seems like none of that matters. Everything revolves around my addict sister. She treats everyone horribly, but expects everyone to forgive and forget like it never happened. So while I can forgive, I don't forget, and I refuse to go back for more of her verbal abuse. I've cut all ties with her. It's nauseating how HER addiction has destroyed what relationship I had with my mother... I feel like I can do nothing right for my mom, she has no time for me and my family, and is very critical of my decision to cut off my sister.
Worse, I have to see her at family events at my parent's place and my addict sister fauns all over my children as if they are her bff's. It disgusts me. It nauseates me to see her all over my kids like that. They are very young, so don't know what she is yet, but still... I just hate it.
It feels so unfair to have HER addiction negatively affect every family event, and even my relationship with my own mother. I sometimes wonder if she got pregnant just to make it harder for my parents to cut her out of their lives... since she's so messed up, they don't want to abandon their grandson... to see him, they have to see her. It's all so depressing and frustrating.
I don't have the magic answer for you. But, I agree with the fact that you have to place limits on your dealings with her and her ridiculousness. I feel your pain about your mother's tolerance for her and how her sister had negatively impacted all aspects of your family's life. I'm afraid it usually doesn't change...maybe someone has...but definitely not in my family.
We lost my brother last New Years Eve when he died from an OD. He was found by local police barely alive under a play structure in a city park. He died on the way to the hospital.
I sincerely hoped when I got that news that I would be magically healed of all the BS I had felt, put up with and had pushed aside. But, no...it didn't just go away. It's a part of the story of my life and dealing with all the pain he brought to my family.
I would say that you limiting your family's exposure to her and her addictive ways is the best thing you can do for your immediate family. it also helps lessen the drama that gets thrown into your life. Kids are very perceptive and know when someone or something is not right. When I told my (then 13 year old) son what had happened to his Uncle I was quite surprised by his reaction. It had only been in the year before his death that I had shared of my brothers addiction due to some events that had to be explained. I thought it would be a good teaching opportunity for him as he is approaching the years of great influence by friends and schoolmates. He reacted by sharing some of the odd feelings he had about my brother. He shared that until I told him about his addiction he thought my brother was crazy (meaning had a mental illness) and should be in a hospital. So it made a lot of sense to him that he was an addict ...I guess it helped explain away his bizarre behavior that I didn't realize I had exposed him to over the years...even though it was very limited.
Your mother's co-dependency is much like my mother's. It never goes away...and her concern for her grandson is exactly what my mother experienced. She over the years raised all three of my brothers kids from one time or another. If you ever questioned her about it - she blew up at you. She became quite the martyr about it...it disgusted me. I understand the concern for the kids...but it was also allowing my brother to go do more drugs because he knew his kids were ok. Seems like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
You are right to be cautious, pissed off and wary of your sister and her addiction. Think first about your own family. Keep the distance as much as possible.
Hang in there my friend. Just know, there are others out here who have experienced or are still experiencing all that you are going through. Sending a big hug your way!
It will interesting to see how much my kids figure out over the years... eventually I'll tell them everything because I hope they will learn from it... hope they will learn that all those horror stories you're taught in school about the dangers of drug abuse are real, and not made-up fiction.
Your son sounds like a smart kiddo with good instincts that he could figure out something was not right with your brother.