I have had this feeling. For the longest time I feel like I have been fighting it, and only recently have I come to terms with what the feeling actually is. Somewhere inside me, for whatever reason, hurts really bad, and its not all the time. I thought it was just sadness or depression. I’ve never felt “depressed” though, and I know when I feel angry or sad. Those just are not the words, they just dont fit right.
On the sunniest of days, after the most exciting experiences, holidays and birthdays, times when others are happy, I want to cry. I was thinking about my brother the other day and it just sort of clicked.
He had a really hard time growing up. His learning disabilities grew into great anxiety and even at 18 it was a huge for him to go into a grocery store alone. Four years separated us and I wanted to look up to my big brother. And I think a huge part of me was angry, though I could never express it outwardly, I was always thinking through a haze of frustration with him. When most siblings could fight it out, he was too fragile to argue with, and it was so hard for me to watch him struggle. I knew that I could never fully understand how hard he tried, and I was always too aware of how easy I had it. And that in a nutshell is where the overwhelming random bursts of guilt began.
Things that to everyone else seems normal, college, moving out, boyfriends, those things terrified me because I have always felt like I needed to be there. At home I could watch over him, and help him. And though often I felt frustrated, I could handle my own frustration, I couldn’t handle thinking he was overwhelmed or scared. But I had to take a leap of faith and begin to separate myself from home, and trust that he would grow on his own. And as it turned out how he was brave too. He has made steps, very recently even, where he has been braver and stronger than anyone ever expected. He is able to do more than function along side society, and I should feel relieved right?
No, I'm extremely overwhelmed.
Now these feeling are flooding my head are starting change from frustrated and angry, now I feel guilty. I feel responsible for having this part of me that is different, a part of me that has been exposed to a situation, a person, that no one believed in a watched him grow to be successful. I feel responsible for sharing his success, and the hope for others. I feel like I need to share this overwhelming, sad, anxious, depressed, lonely, happy, ecstatic, roller coaster I have been on with him, and say with an extremely emotional set of tears, that it worked, he is okay! He is more than okay, he is doing great, and I hope if you are in the same place that I was, I hope that you will understand that all those feeling are good to have, and for lack of a better word, its “normal". Growing up as the other half of a sibling who is mentally disabled, its a lot harder than one may think. I am extremely grateful for all the silly little things, he has made me strong and caring and so many other things, but feeling for myself, my own emotions are something I wasn't prepared for.
There will come a time when your thoughts and emotions are free to be expressed without endangering someone else’s wellbeing, and it was quite scary for me to be feeling that for the first time at 22.
Sorry for the ramble, but man I just had to get some of that out there :)
On the sunniest of days, after the most exciting experiences, holidays and birthdays, times when others are happy, I want to cry. I was thinking about my brother the other day and it just sort of clicked.
He had a really hard time growing up. His learning disabilities grew into great anxiety and even at 18 it was a huge for him to go into a grocery store alone. Four years separated us and I wanted to look up to my big brother. And I think a huge part of me was angry, though I could never express it outwardly, I was always thinking through a haze of frustration with him. When most siblings could fight it out, he was too fragile to argue with, and it was so hard for me to watch him struggle. I knew that I could never fully understand how hard he tried, and I was always too aware of how easy I had it. And that in a nutshell is where the overwhelming random bursts of guilt began.
Things that to everyone else seems normal, college, moving out, boyfriends, those things terrified me because I have always felt like I needed to be there. At home I could watch over him, and help him. And though often I felt frustrated, I could handle my own frustration, I couldn’t handle thinking he was overwhelmed or scared. But I had to take a leap of faith and begin to separate myself from home, and trust that he would grow on his own. And as it turned out how he was brave too. He has made steps, very recently even, where he has been braver and stronger than anyone ever expected. He is able to do more than function along side society, and I should feel relieved right?
No, I'm extremely overwhelmed.
Now these feeling are flooding my head are starting change from frustrated and angry, now I feel guilty. I feel responsible for having this part of me that is different, a part of me that has been exposed to a situation, a person, that no one believed in a watched him grow to be successful. I feel responsible for sharing his success, and the hope for others. I feel like I need to share this overwhelming, sad, anxious, depressed, lonely, happy, ecstatic, roller coaster I have been on with him, and say with an extremely emotional set of tears, that it worked, he is okay! He is more than okay, he is doing great, and I hope if you are in the same place that I was, I hope that you will understand that all those feeling are good to have, and for lack of a better word, its “normal". Growing up as the other half of a sibling who is mentally disabled, its a lot harder than one may think. I am extremely grateful for all the silly little things, he has made me strong and caring and so many other things, but feeling for myself, my own emotions are something I wasn't prepared for.
There will come a time when your thoughts and emotions are free to be expressed without endangering someone else’s wellbeing, and it was quite scary for me to be feeling that for the first time at 22.
Sorry for the ramble, but man I just had to get some of that out there :)
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