I was walking into Walmart the other day and a thought went thru my head. John would never be a grandpa. He was a great dad and would have been a wonderful grandpa. I am trying to stay in touch with his kids(his wife is not thrilled at that idea), but we swtill stay in touch. My heart hurts because he isn't here to see all the special moments in his kids lives. I feel like I am walking around with a sign on that says HELP ME I AM IN PAIN, and everyone just walks by. My god it hurts, I could have went instead of him. And I almost did but here I am and he is not. Fair? What's fair. I just wish to god someone would make it stop hurting. PLEASE
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