there is another side of grief that isnt talked about and few people know that it exists.But it happened to me and it can happen to almost anybody and it is called the reaction to the shock of their death.I screamed when the call about Frank came and I cried all day.I cried all the way on the plane going and wasnt myself there at all.It was like a shock when I saw Frank again and I will never forget it.It didnt look like him at all and he didnt even wear a suit like that,plus the suit did not fit him.He looked awful.I did not know what to do and Stanley was nice to me.I saw a movie with Tom Cruise where he played a killer.It was good.but nothing to rave about and when I returned back to seattle,Franks death hit me hard.What happened to me was a nightmare and when I came home,I found out that Brad had been drinking again and lost his job.When he drinks,he never stops and he was quite sick.Brad lost his father in January of 2004 and did not come home with me.The air line told me only the family so hewas forced to stay here.When I came back,I found out that one of my cats Tooey was missing for two days.She eventually came home and Brad asked about her in the neighborhood and was returned to us because some lady found her and had her.But I began to charge things on my credit card that I did not need.I began to buy things that I could not afford and it was putting me in the pot hole.So I did something that was smart,I gave in my credit card.If you do not use it for awhile,I had two.well in seattle,you are charged 39.00 a month and I couldnt afford it then.Then I began to do stupid things and I mean stupid.I began to drink with these senior ladies and it was getting out of control for me.Noone knew about it except a few and I hid it from Brad.I had to.but all of this was a reaction to Frank and I knew it.But the biggest thing that happened to me was the clinic told me that they were dropping me and others.There was a budget cut in 2004 and they had to cut people who were at the clinic for 5 years.The letter stated they felt I was getting better but they have to help the less fortunate.People were coming home from Iraq and they did really need help.Then we had Hurricane Katrina and 5,000 of these people came to Washington.They knew people here and I knew someone who had 10 people living in his house.I tried to get help but I realized this..You have to get better by yourself and sometimes it takes time.You have to learn to laugh again and have to learn to do things by yourself.You have to learn to trust again and you have to learn to forgive.You see the people who have spoken nasty to you probably do not even remember.So why is everyone in the work force here and everywhere carry these grudges?When you are griefing like I am still doing you must remember this.Not everyone is going through what you are and sometimes people do not know.I kept a diary and it is in my drawer all about Frank.I havent written in it in a long time and I feel that Frank is with me.So if you hear of anyone who is on a spending spree and who is drinking like Jackie Gleason did on the set of The Honeymoorers,please do not condemn them at all.You see,they are going through the other side of grief.I do not drink or gamble or spend money anymore because of this crisis I cannot afford it.Thanks to all from vader and i have to go-Tuffy just ran out in the yard and I have to go get her because the cars are coming and i do not want to lose her.Thanks again to everybody.you all are super.Vader.