Frank always loved Christmas and as a matter of fact so did I.It was just so exciting back then.We used to go to Grandmas house and the tree was great.But the tragedies in my life started for me on 12/26/1965.I was 18.It was the day after Christmas.It was Sunday.It was the day that my grandmother died.My grandmother was really ill and i just didnt understand it.She was always heavy..but then they discovered a hole in her heart.How my grandmother lived all of those years is beyond me.She didnt want the surgery.Back then..there was little that she could have done.I saw her in the hospital.Her last words to me were"Vader..I am not going to make it this time.I want you to have a good and happy life and remember that I will be there for you because you were the first girl grandchild." Then she told me that she was tired and I left the room.That the was the last time that I saw her alive.Everything changed for the family after her death.That is all I promised my late sainted father that I would say.And do you know I just cant help but think about her! Frank was very hurt.He never got over this.But back then...noone talked.It was something that wasnt done in Italian families.It was buried..but I still could sense the pain and loss in my late father and brother..Frank said to me before he died.."Vader..do you know that I have got a ache in my heart since the death of grandma.I have tried to get help.I have tried..but you know something..you have to accept this ache..but it never goes away." And he is right..I told my case mananger..that I am getting well.It has taken me several years..but there is an ache in my heart that will never heal.It is an ache not even Dr.Phil can help or cure.It is the ache knowing that I will never see them again..but I am trying to be the way that Frank was.I am on a budget now.I sent out 1,000 xmas last year..this year..it will be just 5.I found out that several people have moved.Joseph passed on also.So my burden will be light.But I am promising Frank this..I will gather the happy times.Yesterday..before I went to work.,,we drove by the lake and on the lake were 2 seagulls.One of them began to soar! And I began to realize that Frank like my grandmother and the people who went after her will always be there for me if you ask them.