I feel much more free but i still have a desire to feel loved and special by my h. Often times I believe that leaving would have been easier on me emotionally as far as our relationship goes (not easier as far as the family, financially etc) I know that there is still a part of me that needs healing and freedom from this. I do think it is human to want your husband to fill certain needs but perhaps that is my problem. I know for a fact that I married someone incapable of what I want and need and I am not the right person for who he ended up being. We are both wounded but were so sick we married the exact opposite of what we needed. We love each other; there is no doubt. When the experts say you marry at a level of your common woundedness I never really understood until I studied attachment disorders. Wow, we married the exact opposite of what we each truly needed. The sad part is that my h learned to be independent and not need or want anyone beyond a certain point. He likes the chase and then if someone turns toward him he feels smothered and runs away. My wounding is that I never felt better than in the arms of someone who held me. I have grown from this a great deal and realize that I needed to grow. But I was told for years how needy I was. I have come to realize that my h was needless and we needed to meet somewhere in the middle. In this case, which I think is common, my attachment style is the person who loses out in this relationship because I feel the lack of affection, my h doesn't because he doesn't want or need it. I believe my sadness is that I have decided to stay married as long as he is "sober" and that I will never have the kind of love I desire. I understand why and how I got here but am sad to accept that this is the best it will be. (My h won't do couples counseling) I guess I need to work on expectations still .....although I see it as factual

It sounds to me like you have done your evaluations well Cyn. You know that I've been there and done that too. But, I did come to the point that I don't feel the need for the things you mention. I did. I did so much in the past. But, now, I am far more self-reliant in regard to good feelings. I feel good to be free of those wants that I once had. Maybe the selection thing is right? I'm not sure. But, I do know "all" of the reasons I selected my H. And, I do know that he intentionally deceived me because he knew the folly of the truth. He wanted me. He wanted me to be with him. But, he also wanted the thrills. He was just selfish. And, I see that so clearly.

It's ok. I had a life to live. And, my marriage wasn't "all" of life. I did things the way I felt was right. I have no regrets, or few anyway, of my choice of behaviors in life. So, I'm ok with me. I'm ok with life. I'm ok with things just the way they are. I no longer have much of any prompting to reach out and change our relationship. If that is ever to be done, it will be him that initiates that. I won't. Not ever. I am free of all of that. I'm so glad. I hurt so badly over all of those perceived needs, and resulting emotions. I came to realize that I don't "need" that, and I never really did. I think it was some kind of societal training that I have broken. This is "my" life. And, life isn't "all" about a relationship with a man. It would be great if I had all of that "too." But, I don't. I once believed I did, and it was really hard to digest all of the feelings of realizing that I never really did have it. I felt so silly! But, I don't any longer. I realize that even psychs get fooled. I'm no different. I'm not impervious to deception. And, that's ok too. I wasn't put on this Earth to be a sleuth. That just requires a whole lot of energy that I would rather expend elsewhere. I won't waste a single minute of any day worrying about all of that anymore.

I think that I came to see the truth. I learned that things weren't as I had believed. I got over that shock in good time...wish it had been sooner though. I wasted and awful lot of time on pondering him, and what I had once felt about him. I won't ever make that mistake again. Good thing! I found that there are soooo many other things more interesting and fun than dealing with that nonsense. I know some will say that I am emotionally detached. And, they're right. But, I'm glad. I needed to be. And, I am. It isn't sad. It isn't uncomfortable. It just is. I am free to do anything I wish. The truth did set me free in time.