in a word no

i hit the wall two weeks ago - enough was enough and my intuition proved me right. so, i've resigned my job, and have my out date... moving 3,000 miles away back to my family.

H says he's coming with and has abstained from his addictions (internet sex vid/chat)... but that resolve lasted about 10 days.

Done, done and done. And today, the icky feeling i had put away in a box to look at later is open and crushing me.

muddling through here, my husband almost has 2 years sober, and is still in active recovery. I am healing, somedays are great others not so much. Been very stressful here lately, but trying to stay focused and starting to get myself healthy again. healthy body means healthy mind. Zen i am so sorry to hear that, sometimes i think we need to just end it, after being hurt too much.

Zen: I'm so sorry to hear that your effort, patience and hopes have been unrewarding. Thing is though, that you will get better. I think you'll always have great self respect for having tried so hard.

Candy: I know you've worked very hard to overcome the obstacles of these issues. Yes, healthy...for us... a great goal. I think that you'll do well since you are maintaining your focus on what you can do for yourself.

I am still struggling. My bf of 6 1/2 broke up with me over a boundary that he broke of texting a female. My worst feelings during the last year after disclosure have been feeling unimportant, not being a priority, not having a voice and that he was not really committed to me or our relationship. Just plain not mattering to him. Now that he has validated all those fears, I know I am not crazy for feeling them because they were true. I was just one of many and like all the rest: I didn't matter to him. So I am feeling a new raw pain right now.

I have been working with a therapist/coach that I am comfortable with and I start group therapy on Monday. So I have hope to be in a better place next time this question is asked.

Zen: I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can completely relate to the icky feelings crushing you. I think we sometimes let hope set them aside but they build up anyway if they are not dealt with. I feel like if new stuff didn't keep happening we could deal with them.

Candy: I think once you have been through what we have ending it will always be an option, not because of the past but because of the future. It just seems to have no end. There is always more. More things to deal with which means more pain.

Learning: you are right the only thing we can do is become healthier ourselves. but what does that really mean? Healthier to not put up with the abuse anymore? Healthier to stand up for yourself? Healthier to be able to leave? Or is healthier just where ypur expectations of the relationship are so low you kno longer care?
So we have to focus only on ourselves because they are only focused on themselves. How are two people who only think of themselves create a healthly relationship out of the one already destroyed By selfishness?

Nu: I'm so glad you are actively seeking help for the monumental stress you have encountered. It hurts when we find that one we have loved and committed to does not feel that way. But, please remember that the right man will appreciate who you are. HUg.

Good question Nu. I found for me that "all of the above" is true. I am healthier because I will not tolerate abuse anymore. I will stand up for my self. I know that should I decide to leave I'll be fine. I also don't expect from this relationship what I once did. I don't expect him to be everything I need, and I don't feel I must be everything he needs either. I'm far more focused on the things that make for a better day...every day. sometimes that does have to do with this relationship, and other times, more often than not, not at all. I think that I once place far too much emphasis and value on the relationship. I don't anymore. Nor, do I ever intend to again. I've come to know myself far better than I ever have. And, I've found that the relationship I once believed in would be far too restrictive for "me" now. I think that's a very good thing. I enjoy many things more than I ever have. One of the things I've come very grateful for is a certain freedom of mind I never had before. I feel free to seek joy in any way I wish to. I think that is a monumental thing to learn. I once had great difficulty in removing my focus from the relationship to just "my" life. I don't now. If it works, that's ok with me. If it doesn't, that's ok with me too.

Learnings: thank you (((HUG)))

No I'm not. My husband relapsed AGAIN. I'm so sick and stuck. I don't cry anymore. I'm sure that's a sign.

I have been diagnosed now with fibromyalgia, and need time to get in managed. It is helpful to my husband to understand this.

Meanwhile, he is out of a job AND career, I am our sole family breadwinner, and we need to downsize this year to make things sustainable.

He has been in recovery over a year, we are closing into a year to disclosure for me. I'm tired. I'm traumatized.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting for a while. I've been preparing for, and finishing up our daughter's wedding. Lots and lots of work...absolutely fantastic event...whew!

We struggle so much, don't we all? I once thought I might never smile again, nor sleep soundly again, nor feel content again. I was wrong. The sooner I could mourn the losses, and the sooner I could encourage myself to do things that I once enjoyed, though it was a strain in the now, the better I became, day after day. I am not the fragile one I once was. I am so much more strong, because I realize just how important it is to take care of myself and to focus..really focus...on every tiny good thing I can seek out today. I realize that my giving up so much of me...of what I enjoy...was never...ever...a good thing.

Learning: Glad the wedding went well....they are a great deal of work and it is so satisfying seeing everything come together. How are you now that it is over?

Well, we are six and a half hears into recovery....7 1/2 from discovery. Things are finally better where my heart doesn't ache or wake up depressed or hopeless. I have been progressing as a person....the biggest recent change has been my husband. His attitude toward relationships, life, family, and work is all better and it's hard to describe the difference that is recent because all of that was better before but of late it's even more dramatic if that makes sense. I was still ready to leave 6 months ago......but God always seems to show me some change to have me stay a little longer. Our family is well and happy and close. (They are grown 30, 29, 25, 21) We all come together for vacations and occasions and it's happy. It's at those times that I feel a sense of "glad I stayed and worked on everything and struggled and still struggle to cope". BUT I ONLY STAYED BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS SOBER. I would NEVER encourage anyone to stay if they knew of infidelity or relapse after relapse. That is a life of hell. I still struggle with sex and some grief at the betrayals. I struggle with the loss of being cheated out of my forties sexually but had I known from the beginning I believe I would have left. So, it wasn't the time for me to find out I guess. I struggle with his work travel....he leaves Wednesday and I don't trust ....never will 100% again. I sometimes ask myself do I want to live with this awful distrustful feeling for the rest of my life? Answer...I don't know yet....only living for today. I will gently tell him I am struggling and this is why......and explain it. We will see how he responds ...that will tell me a lot.

Sand: I spent two years struggling trying to do counseling etc. after disclosure and my trauma was never dealt with so all of that was a waste.. Trauma has to be dealt with first before any healing can begin. EMDR is what helped me with that. I know you are at a very difficult stage at one year disclosure and with your husband out of a career. Believe me....mine was out of work for two plus years during all of this and I haven't worked outside of the home since 1983. And I have an illness (which I believe most partners do develop illnesses from the stress of living with this addiction) So I understand.

These posts were in May so Hope things are still ok

Hey Cyn, so glad to see a post from you. I know that you and I suffered so much the same path. I understand what you're saying.

I have changed so much, and I'm so glad. I was once so sensitive, I no longer am. I once was so angry, I no longer am. I once over-valued my marital relationship, I no longer do. I don't even ponder whether or not my H has, or will, relapse into those behaviors. My life isn't about him, or that, anymore. He has full freedom to do anything he chooses, and that, is about "him." If and when he does, my decisions will have nothing to do with him, because that, is about "me."

I set out at the onset of discovery this time, December 2007, to address why "I" react to this behavior so much. My first husband was so messed up that this one often seemed like an Angel in comparison. I divorced him, and I'm am every so glad! So, I'm no stranger to this malady. It has colored my entire adult life. Consequently, I wanted to find out what hurt me about it, why it hurt me, and to repair all of that. I felt like I have done that to that extent that it can be done.

My H relapsed at least once that I know of in regard to this behavior. I felt a bit of a ripple of what I once felt. So, again, I addressed that. You shared that "I sometimes ask myself do I want to live with this awful distrustful feeling for the rest of my life? Answer...I don't know yet....only living for today." I believe that I will always be living for today only. Because, I came to realize that I have no control over tomorrow anyway. So, sometime ago, I sat down and wrote out what "any" reason might be for me to stay, and, any reason might be for me to move away to something else. That way, I know why "I" am here. It has nothing to do with him anymore, and it hasn't for a long, long time.

Now, I do have to say that if got aggressive, or pushy, or smart mouthed, I wouldn't stay any longer. That is far tooooo annoying. Just don't need it! He doesn't. So, for the time being, I am content to carry on with life much as it is. I no longer have "any" hope for a romantic relationship with him, or, with anyone else. I found it isn't worth the effort. I found that at this stage in life it has very little importance to me. I think he "killed" that. And, since "that" is what caused me so much pain, I'm more than happy to see it go. I don't miss it.