So, I've had issues with sex all my life.

Specific things, like being terrified of sex, suddenly shutting down, feeling awful about myself. Being obsessed with rape and older men from a very young age. Being terrified of men at a young age. Feelings I had when faced with sex as an adult: degraded, trapped.

Well, recently I have accepted that something must have happened to me as a child. You might think I am jumping to conclusions, but this is after years of putting all the pieces together, including when I started being afraid of men, which was around 6 years old.

I don't remember anything, but knowing this gives me great relief. Finally, after all these years, I can put a name on the thing that has haunted me. Growing up, I didn't know what was wrong with me and I felt ashamed and guilty. I made up wild stories, like maybe God wanted me to be a virgin for some special purpose (I know it's silly... you do what you can when things don't make sense.) Or maybe I was facing karma from a past life.

But everything makes sense now and I feel much better. I dated someone recently and had a fairly normal dating experience. I still had those feelings when we started making out, but I was able to move past them. We didn't have sex but I felt like I COULD HAVE if I wanted to. It felt like a huge step anyway.

At the same time, I feel drawn to put the pieces together from when I was a kid. So much is missing. I'm going to have to reach out to family members and make them feel awkward asking questions. I'm not sure if I want to remember exactly what happened or not. It's weird having a hole in my life. But this is important to me. I also have this urge to tell everyone I meet. Haha. I don't know what that's about... I suppose I know other people have had similar circumstances, and if I speak up, maybe they can too? I just want to share, share, share, share. I've had such a great healing experience.