Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Hi all,
This is my first time posting here and my first time posting in a support group ever. I have just begun to talk about this issue within the last 2 years. I am 43 years old and have been married for 17 years. Unlike what most people seem to write here, we never had a good sex life. We were married in a religious context and did not have sex before marriage (although both of us had sex with other people before becoming religious). From the start it was clear this was a problem as I really feel adventurous and want passion where my husband has deep insecurities and is intimidated by me sexually. We had kids right away and then they became the center of our lives. Sex really fell off the radar. When my younger son was 3 I almost left my husband for a few reasons, one of which was that we had not had sex in 2 years. He promised to work on it and we did- went to counseling, workshops, read books, communicated, etc. And things got better. We put sex on the calendar multiple times a week. Things were not fabulous but they were good and our relationship grew closer. Then life happens and sex slowly stopped again. Then he just did not want sex and just told me he was not going to do it anymore. Now it has been 8 years with no sex. I think I could handle it if he were affectionate in other ways but he is NOT. That was always hard too- no kissing, huggning, cuddling. I am so deprived of human touch sometimes I think I will lose my mind. It is hard now because he is not willing to do the work again. We do have a great friendship- lots of laughter and fun, great parenting together, good partnering in running our lives. Sometimes I think I am a fool to think about leaving and breaking up my sweet home. Sometimes I think I am a fool for having stayed this long. So unhappy.
We have our moments when all is ok, but most of the time i am feeling so bad....I do think I need and deserve more. And I would lay odds you do too. As I look back at the women in my family all the way back to grandmothers....they all did for everyone but themselves . They stayed to care for spouses and children feeling it was their duty. Giving all but getting very little in return.
There are many other reasons I wish I could leave, but with a child (and he's a pretty good dad) and no personal income (been a stay-home mom), I can't leave and break up the home.
It breaks my heart when I had the time to think about it. It's been extremely lonely in many ways, since my husband also is not into talking, nor does he really care about what I feel on things.
If I could, I would totally leave -- if not for my child I would.
1st time post. Ten years in marriage, 4 x kids 4-8yrs, 54 yrs old.
Love my wife, and have no desire for anyone else.
Love slowly turning into resentment!
Honeymoon period, Omg! :)
After 1st child it got so we only ever had sex or any intimacy, when we were trying for another baby. Regretably she fell pregnant almost immediately after the first attempt with each child, so we didn't get much practise in. If she had said she wanted 5th child, I would have probably said yes just to have some bodily contact.
As soon as the positive sign come up on the pregnancy test, that was it! In the last one 4yrs, we have only made love or been affectionate to one another on one occasion, that I seem to vaguely recollect 3 or so years ago. Although my wife has advised me that we have done it as often as 3 times, in the last 4 years.
I have tried many of what seem to be the obvious changes and transformations, that one thinks may improve their attraction to their other half. As well as looking into my weaknesses and identifying
were I have not been as attentive, and considerate as I should have been. I have opened as many doors and dropped into the depths of Hell, and back to find out what I have done wrong!!!!
My wife is an intelligent woman and a better mother I could not ask for my children. I look at her and I feel proud to say she is my wife. She looks at me, and I see nothing in her eyes.
We have a better than average life style with simple needs and only the pressures of work to deal with. I would say we have as near as a perfect life that we could of ever imagined. Yet I find myself wanting to hurt myself so I can stop feeling so empty inside. Theres not a day when I don't wake up wanting to end it all, afraid of having to live another day as a useless unloved middle aged man thats outlived his usefulness. My friend ended his life a few years ago, and if I hadn't seen the effect it had on his children I wouldn't be her writing on a support group, to strangers because I was to ashamed to tell anyone I new the truth.
Yes I have tried to talk to my wife about how I feel. Hoping that she might explain, give me some hope, a reason to keep on trying, a problem that maybe I can try to solve. Something anything!
NO.
Instead I got
" sorry its not my fault I don't fancy it. and I can't see myself fancying in the future. If you need to have sex why don't you go and find someone. As long as its only sex and I don't know about it, I don't care. Sorry I don't know why I feel like this, maybe its me, why does it always have to be about you! "
We have only had this discussion maybe 4-5 times in as many years, yet when I work up the courage to bring it up, its thrown in my face that, thats all I think about! Too Bloody right!
Recently my wife had a routine health check, one of the checks were a hormone test. According to the doctor there were a number of reasons for these tests one of them being it would identify low sex drive. When my wife heard this she relayed it to me like this " well you don't have to be paranoid now that I don't fancy you, according to the doctor its my hormones. I get the test results next week, and apparently they can give hormone replacement pills that will hopefully put things back to normal".
Well I can't tell you the joy that I felt. It was monumental! Finally Hope, yes Hope. A lottery win wouldn't even of come a close 2nd to how I felt at that moment.
Its not just about sex, its about everything and nothing, its about giving yourself and showing the person you love how much they mean to you. Its never just about sex. If it was, Id be out there looking.
So finally the day came. I don't need to tell you how long that day took to come.
I arrived home that evening and my wife said " I got the test results back today. Good news theres nothing wrong with me, it all came back fine."
My response
" Thats great news Im happy all your tests have come back fine, I bet your relieved".
I then waited till later that evening, and very carefully said
"So does that mean if your hormones are ok, you just don't fancy me? Because Im confused, how you can be so casual about something which you know is effecting me in such away".
Her response
"Thats all you ever think about. Instead of it being about me, you have now made it about you".
At that moment my whole world sunk to a new level, I can only describe as purgatory.
All Hope was now gone.
So what do you do, when you find out the person you love doesn't love you anymore if ever?
Marriage therapy, has been bought up in conversations a handful of times, but she shows only contempt for those kind of people, and would never discuss her problems with a stranger.
I have my own interpretation, but leave that for another day.
My sympathies to all of you that are suffering, find comfort, in that you are not alone.
@hopeful..... and.... @jimbo...... my thoughts and prayers are with you both......actually for all of us here. After so long with no affection or any type of physical touch (with the exception of an occasional peck here or there) I have found the anger and resentment building with BOTH of us. Me for being made to feel I am unattractive, unlovable, undesirable and him for being upset that i continue to chat and share with others (some men) to try to find what I need..... validation, support, understanding.
I cannot fathom why (if someone loves you) they would think it didn't matter if they ever touched you again? If I found out it was hormones...i would definitely try to address the issue (with a simple little pill or shot if that were all it took) A friend's husband did do that for her and all was better...his libido did return.
I have struggled for a long time...feeling guilty for interrupting his happy life (For the most part, he is quite happy as i do all for him he wants and needs) But I have finally had enough and don't want to spend whatever time I have left feeling so empty , unloved, and resentful. I need to feel someone's arms around me again....the excitement of their lips and hands on me (and mine on them) and all the passion that hopefully we could share.
It is maybe a tad easier because of no kids...but for those of you with those small children ......in the end...aren't you showing your little ones how a family should be?....but showing them mommies and daddies can be grumpy and snippy and not so happy (When what you are really doing is trying like hell to make things seem ok for everyone.....but at your own expense?)
For the longest time I continued to struggle and repeatedly ask a friend ......Do I deserve to be happy? His response is the same as I would have FOR ALL OF US HERE........WE ALL DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND FEEL LOVED.
To stay or go is a tough question. I can tell you there are some groups on this site for kids of divorce. I joined and go there sometimes trying to understand the perspective from their viewpoint.
We have a 16 year old and 10 year old. The 16 year old picks up on a lot. Last October she told a friend and wished we would get divorced and that she doesn't even think my husband and "likes" me. That really hurt. My husband confronted her about it, telling her that he loved me. Hard to believe when he doesn't show me physically, hardly touch or embrace at all.
It is all so confusing and hurtful. So much anger and resentment. I don't want anyone else but I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I didn't expect my sex life to end in my 30s.