Im new here. I just decided to stop crying and make an effort to seek some help from others in the same boat. Here is my story...it’s a long one.

Prologue

I grew up As a Jehova’s Witness. My entire childhood through early adulthood i spent supressing sexual desires. Which was incredibly difficult during my teenage years. I wasnt even allowed to masturbate, which i did anyway and started to hate myself for. I hated myself for masturbating to the point I wanted to kill myself because i didnt want to sin against God anymore and the “ultimate wage of sin is death”. I sat back and really snapped out of it, i realized that if this is how I felt in this beleif system, that I should leave and just live my life. At 20 i left and i havent looked back. Needless to say with my new found freedom, i was able to exlore my sexuality. Ive always had a higher sex drive and I sometimes wonder if its due to my supressed upbringing. 

The story:

Me and my beau are not married though we have been engaged for 3 out of the 5 years. Our relationship has never had a good sex life. From the very first time we had sex hes had erectile issues. At the beginning, I thought it was due to him being nervous with our new relationship. After dating long distance for 7 months, we moved in together and I thought that the sex would improve significantly. I was very wrong. My previous relationship I was used to having sex every time we were together and it was glorious, wonderful sex. I had gone from that...to nothing. When we would have sex, it would last  maybe a minute. At first, he’d at least make sure I got my jollies orally. I was fine with that at first. But the reality is, I miss the feeling of a man. Hell, even lesbians get more than just oral sex. I communicated these issues after about a year. It was difficult to discuss and it was essentially turned down as me just being a “sex maniac”. <— his literal words. I thought to myself that maybe I was being selfish and that I should consider how hard it must be for him. My self esteem slowly dwindled,I started to detach emotionally, and finally I started to go crazy. Every night I’d lay next to him half naked and he’d just start snoring I’d get more and more resentful, angry, sad, and frustrated. All I kept thinking was “any other guy would kill to have a woman with a libido like mine”.

 After having communicated the issue with him for 2 years and he displayed no effort, I decided to start talking to guys on dating sites. At first, it was more to feel desirable again. Then, it became tempting to meet up with some of those interested. I told him I wanted to breakup. We broke up for two weeks. In those two weeks, I had sex with more than one person. He talked to me about rekindling things and making a real effort. He’s a wonderful man and my best friend so I decided I would give it a try again. He found out about my sexcapades in that two week time frame and was incredibly hurt. He felt as though I had cheated on him because I moved on so quickly. The first year back together, I had to deal with feeling like a selfish piece of garbage for having hurt him like I did. 

Dealing with that toppled with still no sex, my self esteem nosedived. I thought if I could kill my own libido by gaining weight, maybe I could be ok. It worked for a year, and then I started getting some health issues (feet hurt, lower back pain when walking, acid reflux, sleeping all the time). I got on the scale and realized just how much weight I had gained. I weighed 330lbs. I started to cry and then I decided to change.

Since September 2017 I’d lost 50lbs and gained 10lbs recently. My libido has returned with a vengeance. I stopped dieting because I’ve been depressed my libido returning. Not only does he never want sex but I don’t want sex from him because I never enjoy it because he doesn’t last long. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Those thoughts of seeking attention elsewhere have come back. I’m pushing them away and trying to seek advice . I have communicated with him recently about these issues arising again. I told him about the weight gain and now the weight loss. All he says is, well I’m just trying to lose weight too so my libido comes back...but that’s been his comment for the last 5 years. It took him 4 Years to FINALLY see a doctor. I’ve been supportive of him losing weight, as I clearly needed to do the same. I lost 50lbs while he lost 12. 

After the last time I cried and talked to him about how frustrated I was he said, “Being with you has always been enough for me.” Which is the sweetest most frustrating thing to hear. Because it makes me feel like my desire to want sex (and sec that’s last more than 1-2min) is in some ways selfish.

I think about whether this is something I want to deal with for the rest of my life or not. I love him so much. He is funny, kind, loving, caring, supportive, and patient. We rarely ever fight and make a great team. We laugh and crack jokes all the time. We really are best friends. Outside of the sex everything else is sublime. That’s what makes this so much harder.

When, if ever, is it time to throw in the towel? Like I said we aren’t married but the plan was for me to finish school and then get married. But I’m afraid to commit if I’m going to constantly struggle with sexual suppression and resentment. 

**We can’t afford couples counseling right now as I’m in my last two years of school. But if I could afford it, I’d do it in a heartbeat and I know he’d be supportive of that.