Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Have been in a sexless marriage for 16 years...maybe having sex once every 3 weeks. Sometimes more, most times less. We've been to at least 3 different therapists. This usually happens when I've had enough, threaten to leave, and beg for us to seek help. She has been to therapists 2-3 different seasons without me because she thought she might be depressed. I am caring, a good dad, we were great friends, she is a good person/great mom, but it has come to where I really cannot stand to be around her. I've wanted her to cheat, to leave, because it would at least bring about some type of change. She sometimes apologizes for not wanting sex, went to the dr, has taken antidepressants and other things but she is never in the mood but says it isn't me and she loves me. It does not feel that way. After all of the arguing, rejection, more rejection...I rarely even ask. I feel guilty for thinking of cheating, looking at porn, etc., but I feel at a loss. When she does feel like she wants to make peace and just have sex so I don't pout, it's cold, not exciting in any way, and it has become very awkward. All of that being said (written), I suggested us looking into a sex therapist, but she refuses. She does not like to talk about sex (which I think may be related to a legalistic Chrisitan upbringing), has never really "come on to me" since we got married, and we are at a dead end, that has gotten deader and deader and has now decomposed. I just do not know what to do. She makes me feel like I am causing trouble when I bring it up. I do not want to hurt my children and leave the family, but I am basically depressed and several medications did not improve my feelings. I'm at a loss, miserable as far as the marriage is concerned and it upsets me and affects my relationships with others and my work. I feel guilty for my feelings and honestly wish I would have never gotten married sometimes. Advice in general or recommendations for a sex therapist would be appreciated.
I do understand how you do feel. The thing is, when our spouse has no interest or desire in even touching us, it does hurt like hell. Throw in the fact when we do actually get up enough nerve to actually suggest or mention it, WE are made to feel guilty and like a sex fiend (when the reality is we are human craving a very basic human need.... to be loved, wanted and touched again.)
We also reached a point where the anger and resentment did build between us. The fact that you mentioned hoping SHE would do something and screw up and leave says that you do love your kids and don't want to do anything to hurt or lose them. The thing is..... while you do stay and try to cope... they can probably tell something is wrong.... and they are learning it is status quo to stay and put up with unhappiness and frustration.
Through all this please remember...The one who does have the issue with wanting no sex (or simply having no desire) will always have excuses and be very quick to throw blame and accusations at the other.. It is to take the focus off where the problem does lie.....with them.
I do wish you well with your hunt for a therapist. If you do truly want to try , I do believe you do need to go together... whether it is first with an original therapist....or if yu do finally get her to agree to a sex therapist. (PS The Christian thing s probably a part of her fear. Also, maybe something has happened in her past to give her other issues she needs to deal with)
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.
Trust me, you don't want to stay together just for the sake of the children as it set's a terrible model for them. I've been there and done that and I think, in the long run, it's caused them more harm than it did to shield them. But let's say that you do stay together until the kids have left home - that could be another 15+ years and is that what you want? It's a miserable existence and all it does is delay the inevitable.
It sounds like I'm encouraging you to leave - I'm not, I'm just trying to paint a realistic picture based on my experience and interaction with others in a similar situation. I really hope you're both able to salvage your marriage and be happy together, but for that to happen either she changes, you change, or you settle for the dutiful sex (if she's willing). BTW, don't do the cheating or prostitute thing because it won't meet your need. It's clear from what you write that you crave intimacy and you won't find that elsewhere. Take care. TR
Honestly.... this was a very big part of me deciding to start a divorce. I have danced around a thousand different reasons...others do know our marriage has been very lop sided. I have done and given 100%... if I am lucky, got 25% back. I am tired of working full time, coming home to do all around the house and for him when he is home all day. That anger and resentment you feel is very much here in our house too.
it is really no one's business why you do divorce . In our case, I do say that he has shut down (both physically and emotionally) and is quite content just going through the motions. To me, it sounds like she is doing the same. In a healthy relationship two people should be able to share everything....good, bad, hopes , dreams, fears , communication and intimacy. For a long time I also had a lot of hangups , guilt and shame about sex or even thinking of it... let alone wanting it desperately. I have been reminded... as you should be....it is a very basic need for any healthy human person in a relationship to want (or expect)
If you feel anyone deserves to know... perhaps if they knew she has basically shut down. With little communication or emotion... no one should dare to say one word to you. I have learned... you can't do it all yourself. That is when the anger, resentment, emptiness and depression do take over. None are good.
YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO. That is to say.....you have every right to want to be with someone who does care for and about you.....who not only wants to touch you , but doesn't want you to keep your hands off of her. We all want that (ok, for all of us here on SM......our SO's don't, but the rest of the free world does.) Hang in there. .... and don't be afraid to take steps toward what YOU want and need to be happy and whole again.
Many hugs,