I'm sorry Ladybugg. I'm starting to wonder if sex is just too mentally complicating for relationships like ours. The best but most painful advice I can give you is to find intimacy with him through another route. If there's something that's incredible for him, like nature, religion, music, or another majestic source of inspiration, try to share that with him. Maybe a cruise to a rare and jaw dropping location or a camping trip. Maybe if you can get him to a place or state of mind where you can both become open hearted with each other and communicate with him how much you love him. How much you're hoping to raise your kids with not only a marriage but a happy marriage. I know what I am proposing may seem impossible, but think about it.

I am in a pretty bad state over here and had hoped my meals, my physical affection, etc would work on him but I've done it for years without results. Not even my tears affect him. At least for me, I'm really starting to think that only prayers will work, and a vacation from his job with me only and not the kids.

Ttys

I am wondering if you have shared with him how you feel? (That you need affection and want to share that connection?) I was silent for a long time. Once I finally did open up, I did finally try to tell my stbx that I was unhappy and what i was missing. Unfortunately, he has shut down both physically and emotionally more than 10 years ago and is perfectly content simply going through the motions day by day. (I realize I want and NEED and hopefully deserve more. I think we all do.)

As far as the ED. stbx had issues because of health problems (diabetic, high bp meds.) Having trouble getting there.....or staying there long enough was helped pretty well with Cialis for us (from what I can remember) I m thinking though if he doesn't have alot of desire... twice a month.... maybe it could be low testosterone levels? (which can also be "fixed")

The fact that you two are just back together again with things from the past, maybe that is not all settled and preventing him from getting things started? (Although the 5 minute fly by does bring back memories of all 3 that i had ever been with They were ALL VERY SELFISH TOO!)

If you have to resort to just toys and yourself, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY if you do sometimes fantasize about other men . Granted it would be ideal if you were able to play out in your mind just how wonderful you wish things were with you and hubby even for a day I understand how hard that can be when you are so frustrated with their lack of concern or response. I have had no affection, communication, help, or any physical touch (except an occasional peck here or there) for over 10 years. It is only within the past couple of I years I have even begun to "do things myself". All I have is my toys and a very vivid imagination and that does not put me in the arms of someone who doesn't want to be bothered, but rather someone who wants and craves the same as I do.

I may be wrong, but imho, I don't think having fantasies of someone who wants you and thinks you are sexy is not the same as actual physical cheating. If that helps you to help yourself that is killing two birds with one stone. (satisfying you for the moment as well as relaxing the tension between you and hubby for his current lack of desire)

You are in my thoughts and prayers also. It is a shame we can't take a survey before the rings go on our fingers (To warn us if we are sexually compatible). I thought the same as you. At least there will always be a warm body who wants me. Shows what we know.

PS You are way too young to have t deal with all this. Good luck.

@finallyawakenow.... You truly are a born again romantic! That sounds so sweet... the redo date . You do realize you are setting the bar high for all those princes, frogs, toads, swine.... lol

I have one question.... have you any brothers who share your sudden rebirth? lol (Perhaps keep a younger one on reserve in case one of the younger ladies had enough..... If you have one just a smidge older, I want to put my order in! ) sorry, my humor again.. :)

Sorry queen just a sister and while she’s alot younger she’s taken also. If I can turn myself around why not the other guys who became stuck in themselves. Just give them a slap to wake up like I wish my wife had done years ago.

FAA: I can empathize. No, DON'T even think that a life without her could be better. The truth is love is ALSO built up on sacrifice and self-denial. If you guys have made it this far with this much trauma I seriously doubt you could ever find another person you could share this much with.

I was recently diagnosed with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction. I'm still desperate to be with my husband any means possible and I am craving for affection and intimacy: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Pelvic Floor Dysfunction can mean different things for different women. For me it makes me unstable to walk on a bad day, for other women it can mean incontinence. For others it can mean horrible pregnancies, and others a lot of pain during intercourse. I'm going to physical therapy for it with a girl who specializes in this condition. I also have a terrible self image. (Also, if my husband complimented in my looks, or my work, or how he appreciates how I parent our children,
I'm sure I could be more confident when (if) we are making love.) These 3 things, you'd think, would stop a woman from wanting sex. Not me, because... I don't know. I'm young and I love him (still?) and have a healthy sexual desire. (But he has been a tremendous and unparalleled ASS to me for so long I have no idea how I'm still under the same roof as him.)

Idk why your wife "could not be that into it", my husband kind of feels the same. But the problem is he goes to an extreme.--> no sex. But if you love your spouse, wouldn't you give them your company, affection, and body anyways? In our younger days of marriage I NEVER denied him even though I wasn't wanting him. I always gave him my love and he's too selfish to show me his love in return (even though he claims he loves me).

I tell my husband: if he's not that "into sex" then why the hell did we get married?! Was I tricked??? Sex is and was a part of marriage for me, so why all of a sudden is he blatantly denying me sex which he's been doing for years but now its down to zero? Why???

And thats where i feel marital counseling and honest conversation comes in, in my opinion. Cause I don't think my husband and I will be together unless something changes mentally in him.

Honest conversation is the ONLY way to go forward. I’m fortunate in that we have started to open an ongoing dialogue that neither one wants to stop. We have made the commitment to see it through. And this is a long time coming. I get how counseling is necessary for some. Mostly to have a referee to keep emotions in check and try to stay focused. And to help keep very key words like; you always, or you never, to a minimum because they instill defense mechanisms that can shut down a conversation before it starts. We are teaching eachother not to behave this way but it isn’t easy. It is a HABIT that we have developed. This habit idea has been key to my recent understanding of myself and the dynamics of our marriage. Five months ago I broke out of a habit that has really brought me down, ( drinking). For the first few months it was difficult but as I stayed the course it has become so easy now. That habit created a behavior that in turn started to change me. So I had to make the decision to stop. And this is just an example. The big habit I am addressing is the way I have seen my wife over the years. I ,slowly, have developed behaviors that puts distance between us. ( she has her own developed behaviors but those are for her to change, we can look at them together but ultimately she needs to make the very concise choice to work on them.) The bad habit we created for ourselves is called the push/ pull relationship. Pretty self explanatory but deceivingly complex. I subconsciously am always trying to pull her closer because I can sense the growing void between us and I react, this has created a behavior. ( behaviors all added up make what sort of individual we become.( They aren’t who we are but what we are.) And this action makes her react by pushing away from me. It is an exhausting game of tug- o- war that intensifies over the years. We have been wearing ourselves out. We are finding that the only way off the ride is to just stop and drop the ‘rope=issues ‘. Who started pushing and who started pulling and when isn’t as important as just ending the cycle. To do that we ARE exploring the reasons but in a safe way so that we avoid the other behavior of ours where she blames and I defend. Subconsciously sometimes so that we aren’t even aware of it right away. Can just feel it creeping into the discussion. That is when we take a break if we can’t get past it at that time because to continue is pointless for the healing that we are craving above all else. So that’s where I’m at. It started by lamenting the lack of intimacy/sex but has become so much more. I know now that what I truly desire is the intimacy of getting to love myself more and getting to know the deepest parts of my wifes soul. Yes sex would be great but seeing that it took a while to lose, its going to take a while to get back, if we even can. So dee no worries, I know what I have now and I am doing everything in my power to save it. I love her too much to give up now. Food for thought. GL

You and your husband should be commended for reconciling after the separation. Lots of people would have just given up on each other.

Did you see or do you still see a couples therapist? Like veggiequeen said above there may be some things that your husband still carries anger/resentment/fear about that therapy would help.

@deemommy6, thank you so much for the time spent sharing your suggestions and thoughts.

I truly believe for any healthy marriage to thrive there must be intimacy. However we chose to find intimacy is between the two sharing it. My husband has replaced intimacy with hobbies and it SUCKS! I have cried, We have done counseling, I have sat him down and expressed openly with no filters all that I have shared with you all. This has all been done with no success. I had no idea this was even possible in marriage. I married because I was indulging in sex/intimacy way to much while not married. I wanted more for my life and figured why not do what's right. Boy was I wrong! Now I suffer with the possibility of stepping out. I'm trying so hard. I commend all you strong individuals and I pray I too have the same strength as you.

Thanks again.

@veggiequeen, thank you so much for your thoughts!

I have done all of the above with no luck. My hubby is just not as sexual as I would like him to be. I completely made this bed for myself. Thinking back I recall all of the spontaneity coming from me. I wanted him so bad I never really took the time to know his desires. Now that I am more considerate of him I am suffering. He rarely shares anything with me. His thoughts, what he likes, emotions, NOTHING! We are literally roomies. I want him to let me in. I have even started watching football to score time with him. The thing is I never get this in return.

Regarding the toys they are fun and all but I need a human being. I'm tired of toys. I'm 36, beautiful with lots of drive. I do not want toys to be what I am resorting with no real resolution. Knowing me I would think of something to much and put it into action.

@finallyawakennow... thanks for your thoughts!!

You sound like you are doing a phenomenal job. I am a strong believer in it taking two in a marriage. It is simply exhausting when you are running around trying to make things happen on your own. From the sounds of it you need sex! It truly is devastating when the one person you chose in life to be with forever does not understand. I hope my husband starts to improve if not unfortunately I will be back on the market. I will not look at my marriage as a total loss as I have learned more about me and my needs. I also know the possible challenges. I truly hope my husband and I figure this out. It's only right. I hope you find the same in your situation.

Thanks!

@BayDweller... it was extremely hard to go back and work at something I felt was nothing. My husband cheated on me, watched me work 2 jobs and struggle, refused to cook and clean, had inappropriate friendships and totally disregarded me. I was hospitalized and he would party and not visit me. It was AWFUL! The thought of what I endured still bring tears to my eyes. I then moved out and found my happy. During that time I met an amazing man that made me hopeful and brought me joy. He was very different from my husband. He was thoughtful, he cleaned, he cooked, he cared for me when sick, he talked to me, he shared his thoughts and feelings, he was vulnerable with me. I recalled a time when I was disconnected during sex and he felt the disconnection and we talked about it. It saddens me because I did not want to fix thungs with my husband. I was connected with another man. In fact I remember crying several times secretly when I was intimate with my husband during the first year of reconnecting. I was so disconnected but pushed thru because I wanted to give my husband a fair shot.

Fast forward my husband is great now! He is a different man. He mentioned the thought of loosing me made him feel hopeless. I am happy to have worked thru so much it builds character and strength both of which are priceless. My husband and I did counseling prior to the split. When we reconnected we both just gave our all. We knew if we were going to save our marriage we needed to be totally vested to hard, nasty, raw work. We knew it wasn't going to be easy and we pressed thru. Now that we have managed to get over what would destroy most marriages we still have work to do.

Thanks so much for your comments.

@ladybug
LL and I just finished reading a really simple but helpful book, Breaking out of limbo. It guides couples through the emotions of an affair but also informs on just the puzzle of being man or woman. How alike we are and how different also. Particularly when I noticed your age. LL was 35 when she had her affair. Apparently this is when women go through a slight hormonal change ( more testosterone) and hit sexually prime. Like men in their twentys. Most affairs occur at this point for obvious reasons. It was helpful to understand these changes we all go through and how they can upset the apple cart that’s marriage. PS if I hear about toys again I may scream. Kind of envy women on that