I feel your pain. I've been in a sexless marriage now for 7 years. This year will be our 18th year of marriage. 7 years ago I asked him if he still wanted to be married, I had prepared myself for him to say no. I had already looked into apartments and had been thinking through life without him. To my surprise he said he did still want to be married. I was shocked. I then asked why it was so hard for him to be affectionate with me and he said he didn't know. That's the day I Stopped trying.

I stopped talking to him about it. I stopped going out of my way to do things and say things to try and make things better.

He told me he wasn't going anywhere unless I told him to leave and that he had accepted things for how they were. No interest in trying to make them better.

I just don't get it.

Here we are 7 years later and nothing has gotten better. We've only drifted further and further apart.

Everything else in our marriage is great. It just feels like there is no more "us". Which to me is a HUGE part.

Our kids are getting older, our oldest will be 18 in less than 3 years. Soon it will be just the 2 of us, and then what.

I just don't know how long I can do this, I didn't expect my sex life to end in my 30's!!!! I didn't have a strong sex drive to begin with but damn every one in a while with some affection in between doesn't seem like too much to ask.

He's commented befor that if it weren't for the kids, he'd be gone. I don't want to stay together for them. Our relationship is NOT healthy and I don't want our kids to grow up thinking that it is.

It seems like these situations are more common than people talk about. It's so unfortunate and heartbreaking.

Does she realize how much of an issue it is for you?

she does but tells me that i have to get over it and that this isn't something she wants. funny, she just mentioned today when she kisses me good bye for work, its like nothing is wrong and i don't even pucker up. she will gently touch her lips to mine like you kissing your grandmother, why bother! where the passion! not even worth it. we have seen countless marriage therapist and she would get it then but then realize its my issue and i need to get over it. now its to the point i ask about getting naked cause i know she hates it ,eventually she feels guilty and say, "well should we get naked?" like its a choir. so i reject her, not worth it and also she just wants to "get naked"! no sex or touching still, just lay there. WTF!

Has it always been this way? Did she used to like sex? Did something change?

That's what is hard for me. It wasn't like this in the beginning. Things slowed down when our first child was born but we still had sex often enough that it wasn't an issue. Since the birth of our 2nd child, it's slowly gotten worse. Now it's non existent. It's almost like now that we are done having kids, why have sex.

I feel the opposite. Now that we are done having kids and they are older, we should be able to ENJOY sex now.

same as you, after kids died down slowly till beggin for sex got old. then when she lay there and no response just wasn't worth it anymore. no foreplay of any kind. one day she asked if i was almost done! we have gone away alone to hotels and couple over night things and still nothing for intimacy or sex so i told her no more. she says also (always something) that better chance of having sex if we were out of house with no kids around, that failed! lol dealing with a lot of pressure lately too with businesses so badly need that for stress relief too but again, no sympathy , tells me i need to figure out how to deal with it

I understand. I've tried talking about it but that goes no where. Every hour, day, week, month and YEAR that passes with no intimacy, affection or sex makes me feel constantly rejected. We still kiss goodbye but his lips are so tense and his hugs feel so insincere.

At this point, I feel like I've forgotten how to do anything. I've made attempts from time to time, but he never reciprocates. I've given him oral sex and he'll finish but it never goes anywhere else. He does return any favors and it never leads to sex.

Not sue if he no longer wants sex or if he just no longer wants sex with me. I've wondered if it wasn't a medical issue at this point but again he won't talk about it so I don't know what's going on.

I fill in the blanks and unknowns with more insecurities on my end.

Part of me feels guilty because he's a great provider, a great father to our girls, he helps around the house, etc. Maybe I should just be glad for all that he is and just "deal" with not having an emotional or physical connection to him but that's part of what makes a marriage a marriage.

He says he feels like we are roommates and I do too but he won't do anything about it.

I've stopped talking about it with my friends because they don't understand.

You can't understand until it happens to you. Which is why I joined this online site. Just knowing I'm not alone in this gives me some help. I just wish I could change it.

he won't go to therapy. Sounds like you have but it hasn't helped?

just sounds weird coming from your end (female) i just don't get why a guy would say no to sex, but sounds like orally your still or were taking care of him? i was just asking for a HJ and that got old and tired of begging.
the therapy was good for the moment, but once left and about a week gone by she forgot all we talked about and told me there is nothing wrong with her and its all me. i shouldn't want to have sex as much as i do ( i was only asking for once a month ) and that not her issue.
she same as your husband, works hard and makes good money, but she has always been a tit for tat and that gets old.
funny you mentioned friends, they don't get it but they are atlas doing it and doing it for each other.
so does he ask for oral or you just offer and he says yes? do you think he is cheating?

In the past 7 years, he has made no attempts to have sex. I've given him BJs a handful of times during those 7 years. He seems to enjoy and normally finishes without issue. It always ends there, Doesn't even end with much cuddling, if any! Because he doesn't initiate and I don't get much response when I initiate, it hasn't been very frequent.

The last time I gave him a BJ was a few weeks ago. This time I worked up enough courage to try and take it further but moving from BJ to intercourse failed. He physically wasn't able to keep things going so I stopped and left the room. Nothing was ever said, that night or the day after.

So yeah, it's all taken a toll on me. My self esteem is pretty much shot.

Once a month seems more than reasonable. 2-3 times a week I could see being challenging but I'd give anything for once a month. (I think it's one of those, don't know what you've got until it's gone).

He never asks for anything physical. When I grab his hand, put my arm around him, try and massage his shoulders or reach over at night and initiate BJ, it's on my own. The frequency has varied over time because when he doesn't reciprocate, it's hard for me to try again.

I've had people ask me if he is cheating and I really don't think so. Don't know when he would have the time. No signs that he is.

He has high stress, uses alcohol/ exercise to cope which I know stress and alcohol can hurt libido. He also smokes cigars a few times each week. I think it may be more medical than anything but Damn if that is it, go get a blue pill and let's move on!

You said divorce is not an option because of the kids. What are your plans for when they are grown?

I've been preparing myself for him to leave once they are out of the house. It's not what I want but I fear it is a reality I will be left with.

yea, but fear that my kids notice the lack of intimacy between us. i try and teach the kids to be more affectionate to there others and not like us and explain it that some people just lose it and others have to deal with it. not sure the right thing i just don't want them to be like there mother.
it wasn't like this before kids, we had ok sex, not to vanilla but nothing kinky either, but atleast it happened and she would initiate it. Now, she wont even change in front of me. i think she is still a beautful woman with a great body, still works out and all. i have gained a few pounds but nothing crazy, and have had other ladies hit and flirt with me so i know i am not gross now but just don't get it! you CANT turn it off like that for your spouse if your spouse still wants it, like i said, once a month is not asking much, if we skip a month, thats ok too, but over 2 years now with nothing! i stopped with the back rubs and foot rubs cause i know she enjoys it and i would do it but if she can't do what i enjoy (one thing) then not worth it

My husband is 8 years younger. We married when he was 32. It was few and far between, sex. It just stopped after a while. He never showed interest. He won't talk about it, he just sits there and I talk. My first marriage, abusive jerk, second marriage and current one, total rejection. I'm now 56, suffer from depression, hate myself, feel like I'm not wanted or worth anything. Some days I am great, some days I don't want to be here, not needed, etc. I think we need an online dating site for people like us. Is it cheating if there is nothing to cheat on? I feel like I'm married to my brother..buddies. That's great, in my mind, except it's been going on from the start. I can't divorce, I'll be living under a bridge at this point. Well.. feeling like crap every day but also blessed in so many other ways. I am just spewing here. I really feel for you folks who are living with this. (or without?)

@PattyCakes, yes, it is very difficult. So sorry to hear of your situation but welcome to the group.

I've always said that if we end up divorcing (which I think is more of a when vs if), I have no intention of being with anyone else. I would rather be alone and be by myself than feel this way with someone right next to me.

It will be like the Golden Girls living out my days with a few friends. Maybe date occasionally but nothing too serious.....LOL

i have talked to a lot of men and some woman and most of the time the outcome is the 2nd time you know what you want and your much happier cause you know what you want.on this end its the endless ignorance or her that bothers me. ill ask "hey wanna get naked in bed" and i just get nothing, no look, comment or even no. ill ask again and i get i big arrrgh from her and "well maybe later" WTH! not worth it! easier to pick up someone in a bar for one night! years this has been going on and now i fear my sons will think this is how a relationship is and will hate it as much as i do.

@pattycakes: Know that you have worth, even if your husband isn't the best at showing you. You make the world a better place by being in it.

I don't know what to do, but I have decided to figure out what I can do for me. I want to learn how to take care of my own needs and be more independant. On a sexual level this is hard, because of my religious background. My religion (and my wife agrees), dictate that divorce is not OK, as well as afairs, porn, and even masturbation. So, if my wife doesn't want sex, I can't have my sexual needs met. I'm recovering from a porn addiction and working on the truth that I don't "need" sex. I'm not stuffing my feelings and desires to be sexual, but I'm working on getting through the discomfort without complaining. I'm also trying to feel my wifes love in other ways. She's good at serving me and my family, so I'm conciously trying to feel love from that service.

Also, without being manipulative, I want to create an environement that might move her in the right direction. I'm trying to develop my masciline traits of decisiveness and leadership. I'm also working on connecting with her in the way she needs like being emotionally present.

Does anyone else have any suggestions? We all know that this sucks, and thanks to this support group, we now know that we're not alone, but what can we do to improve our current situations?