My husband and I are in the same boat. We’ve been married for about 2.5 years and have had sex about 12 times total during that time. First of all, I need you to realize that it is not you. It’s not your fault. Where there any traumatic experiences that your husband went through as a child? That’s the case with mine.

Every relationship has a big hurdle and for you and I it’s the lack of a sex life. I would recommend that you try not to force anything, but tell him that you would like to schedule a romantic night where there’s no pressure of having sex at all. During that night maybe you guys can plan a nice dinner at home, dress up in something sexy, and then play a fun game together. See what happens....if he doesn’t want to have sex that night, try your hardest to not show any disappointment on your face and tell him that the night was fun and that you should plan another one next week.

Hopefully, that’ll get him to reconnect with you in that way again without feeling forced.

Thanks so much!! Hes has no traumatic childhood experience that I know of. Which makes it hard for me to be understanding of why he doesn’t want sex. It’s hard not to blame myself...am I putting too much pressure on him? Am I not as attractive as I used to be? What am I doing to push him away? Questions like these flood my mind daily and it’s hard to not let my continuous disappointment show. The date night is a great idea and I’ll be using that! Thank you!!!

I ask myself those questions all the time, but I know that my husband loves me more than anything in this world. I’m sure your husband feels the same way about you.

If you ever wanna talk, I’m always here

I am in a similar situation. I’m the male half of a couple together for 27 years. We are awesome friends and love each other dearly, but sex is a never ending conflict.

It is not that we can’t have sex, it is more that we can’t communicate about it. Much of sex is “bad” or “naughty” (not in a good way. The net effect is that we don’t talk about it. Resentment builds, and the sexual chemistry dies. It has been going on for years and has gotten to the point where it is mostly sexless.

I feel alone and frustrated. I love my wife. I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to cheat on her. I can’t address her anxiety and shame around sex. But I feel so empty and depressed.

I don’t know what to do. Praying for guidance and strength.

@timeless. I was brought up to be ashamed of my body and that sex or even thoughts of any kind of physical touch were dirty. As a result I had alot of hang ups. My stbx and I have had no physical touch, affection...for over 10 years. The first 5 years we were married, we did have sex...just not alot. With him, we never did talk about it.

For him, he doesn't even think about it anymore. he has shut down both physically and emotionally for those past 10 years. All is good because all his needs are being met. (housekeeper, cook, nurse...) When I couldn't bare it anymore, I started chatting with someone. He encouraged and allowed me to open up and accepted me just as I am.

It may sound strange, but it took someone actually telling me that it is completely normal to have all those wants and needs.

To have someone make you feel beautiful, sexy and wanted..... and to be encouraged (and allowed) to say whatever is on your mind (without being judged) did help me to address and work through alot of the hang ups. Maybe it would work for her as well. (Have you two ever did any kind of counseling? That may help you both.)

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband does not want to be intimate with me. We now have sex once every 2 years. I hope you will have a better outcome but so far I see no solution and he does not want to change. I used to feel hopeful but now I feel hopeless and stuck. We have children or else I would leave. He must be mentally ill - it’s not normal. And he is very defensive and hard to talk to about this. It’s all sad and also so surprising that I ended up in this situation. I always loved sex and intimacy. I can feel myself getting colder every year. It’s very sad. I plan to try and find joy outside of our marriage. He actually told me I could have an affair which I might but I haven’t gotten the courage yet. I hope the best for you!

ours is due to past illness,i'm encouraged see others with same issues,

Biocentric. I read your reply and it sounded exactly like my situation, except I, the husband, is the one who wants the sex in my marriage. My wife does not. We have been married for 17 years. The marriage has been sexless for about 4 years. For many years before that, I was lucky if we had sex one or two times a year. It is now so bad, that there is no intimacy even on my birthday.

At first, I would ask her occasionally if she wanted to have sex. She would say not tonight. When I asked her if she did not want to have sex with me anymore. Her response is she did not say that (i.e. no sex ever again). Yet after so much rejection, I have stopped asking her. Due to economics, unfortunately, a divorce is cost prohibitive at this moment in my life. Also, my wife is not open to couples therapy. She regularly sees a therapist for other reasons, but not about our marriage. She told me it was because of the relationship with her parents (or lack thereof). I am not at the point in my marriage where I think my wife is lying about why she goes to therapy.

Like you, I have considered having an affair. Yet, I do not know how to go about it. I am generally have an introvert personality (at least when I first meet people). Also, my wife and I are each other's only significant relationship.

I am glad I found this site because it might help me deal with being in a sexless marriage.

Initially, I have two questions. First, how do people in this group deal with the frustration of not having sex? Early in my relationship with my wife (before we were married), sex would act as a physical and emotional release. I do not know how to find that same combination. I have tried working out, but it does not provide me with the same type of release. Any ideas are welcome.

The second question is a bit more dicier. If I make the determination that having an affair is a potential answer, how do I go about it? I would add that I am not quite their yet, although I have begun to seriously consider it. I am not sure if a no strings attached one time situation or a friends with benefits situation. Either way, I am unsure of how to find someone to have such an extramarital affair with. I would understand if other members do not want to offer advice on the second question.

Thank you for reading my musings.

I would definitely recommend imho to steer very far away from an affair. It's actually pretty damn easy to start one. The problem with an affair is that there is no perfect crime. Some how some way it'll bite you in the ass in a way you never saw coming. First there's disease exposure, then there's the potential you're opening yourself up to blackmail. You never know what your future holds and people blackmail others ALL THE TIME. third, what if something crazy happens and your wife asks you to forgive her cold nature and she's ready to start emotional intimacy with you: do you tell her about the affair??

Also, cheating might probably get you much needed physical relief, but what if the loneliness inside your heart doubles?

If you're considering "out", consider divorce or separation first. Choose to be single again. Cheating is a really dangerous endeavor and while it may be tempting and seem harmless, it's impossible not to affect someone/ something.

Best wishes, dm6

Well said dee. I’m on the same page. I have been recovering from the emotional damage of LL’ s affair for years. We have wasted too much energy for something that didn’t even give her what she was looking for. It hurt our marriage terribly. Looking back she says that if she had separated from me first then tried a different partner the experience could have been positive. As it was she never reached that( I’m free) feeling that she was really looking for. LL and I are ‘working ‘ on this very thing. Open communication about the lack of intimacy or, I should say affection. Because in many ways we are intimate. Cuddling more recently and I massage her a lot so there’s physical contact. That gets me through the lean times. I am learning a great deal about relationships recently. Many are going through the loss of intimacy. Keep on it and maybe we’ll get to the bottom of it