For me i would also probably say 8. But the thing is, when you are forced to go without (in an unhealthy relationship) they say your focus tends to go toward sex probably 85 % of the time. (For me there have been some I was more like 110 %!) They also say in a healthy relationship thoughts of sex are probably more like 10 %.


Another thought I have which is unrelated I guess, but I was very glad to see another post and question for dialogue on here. I come here to check in often. While we still have new members coming on board--- there are rarely any new posts . I wish more would come and "stay for awhile."


Thank you for reaching out pietro.

Yes. Thanks. I also check in. And I find your posts though provoking. This forum has a lot of potential to work out problems and (dare I say) create some solutions. In my marriage we had drifted apart so far that we became like brother/sister roommates. Not to sexy. While the intimacy is returning it is the emotional connection that I find I’m valuing much more. And the hardest to achieve. Maybe not so much hard as requires energy. And a true, in real time, presence. Otherwise it’s fake. So I’ll go with queens 10% on the sex and 90% on above the waist. That’s what starts the rekindling too. A trust.

Sorry. Thought provoking. I had lost so much self esteem that, honestly, I didn’t know how to change. Was just muddling through. Ugh!! Waisted lots of precious time.

It is a flat 10 for me. I am long past the physical pleasure one can only receive from sex. I remember like it is a deceased friend. My emotions have run the full gamut. I have and continue to experienced the depression, confusion, self-loathing, anger, resentment and much more. There is a tremendous sense of disappointment and yes a sense of loss. I have read a library of books and articles on the matter and I am well aware that this is not my problem (we don't even talk about not talking about it). I stopped believing her reasons and excuses long ago. I built my own spinning roulette wheel of excuses she had to pick from.

So where am I now? It has been years since we actually made love, and almost never for pleasure's sake. I don't miss the physical relationship per se'. there are a number of things I never had anyway. As it turns out, if you don't use it, you do lose it. I am still angry. I have told her flat out her refusal is a rejection of me personally and no matter what, it always will be. I just cannot see it any other way no matter how hard I try. Above all though is the pure sadness. For someone to not communicate, nor discuss the lack of communication is just sad. It is also dishonest. I have said outright, I feel that I am being lied to constantly and I no longer trust anything she tells me. It is an intellectual and emotional lie.

As much as anything I miss feeling like I can trust someone with my emotions and my heart. I have had occasional opportunities to stray; some very appealing, but I am unable to do it. Yes, my word is important to me. but I also don't fundamentally trust anyone. If this person, the person that I have loved can do this to me, just imagine what someone else is capable of, That is too much baggage for someone else to work handle. I fear the damage my be irrepairable.

Has anyone else just tried this: put all the issues in a box for the night and pretend that you are having a one night stand. Complete strangers who just want to have sex. No strings attached. A few candles and her on hands and knees. Don’t even have to say anything. Then see if anything feels different the next day. Repeat as necessary. Feel like captain obvious for saying it but it worked. Maybe it was that blue moon.

Sounds like a plan to me..... but missing one big variable... a live, willing participant. :(

Yea that’s kind of important. I know it’s not a possibility for all. But any? I hope this doesn’t upset anyone. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it. Forgive me. Believe me. I do understand the hurdles.

I am one of the ones that Veggiequeen mentions; joined but have never posted anything until now. I have read many of the posts and find them helpful so thank-you all for that. For me while I miss the physical act and the rating out of 10 would be high there it is even higher on the emotional side. At least a 9 out of 10. I actually miss knowing that I can still please her more than the physical pleasure for myself which reinforces the emotional side of it for me.

@slowburn--- You bring up a very good point. For me (and I think alot of others) our self esteem takes such a big hit when our spouse (or SO) doesn't want or need this connection or to even bother to touch or be touched by us.....It would be so incredible to just be given a chance to (as you say) please them (and maybe hope and pray they would WANT to return the favor. (For me, that does make me wonder if given the chance I can even do that for any man anymore?)


@finallyawake--- you needn't apologize. On here there are some like me but also some like you who do have occasional opportunities (just not nearly frequent enough. ) You did give them an idea as well. Is a good idea to just enjoy the moment with your SO . .. just approach it as a hot date...