I’m curious about the investment halt. I get it I’ve been lonely for a long time and still am not ready to throw in the towel. I want to rekindle with my wife but for quite a while been wondering if she feels like you but toward me. I’ll have to gently bring it up soon. Although I don’t think she’s ready to be that honest with me yet. There’s a lot of stuff in our closet. I’m airing out my half but it feels like she’s holding on to stuck issues Maybe someday? Sound familiar? Is there a threshold that’s crossed were the attraction is gone forever. And did she go over? Basically am I fooling myself of a new beginning? It’s pretty frustrating not knowing if things will ever change. we’ll see what happens or what doesn’t. I hope you can find some peace. Be kind to yourself

I can relate to rubbing and winding up for no reason, I'm not sure if it comes from a power and control issue or if they're trying to seduce you with the intent of shutting you down to "punish you". That's probably the best material for the husband to call his wife a whore (and very undeservadly so). I would never EVER believe such a horrible thing about my own husband, but now that I'm trying to figure out WTF is going on in my own marriage, I am, very unfortunately, beginning to believe he has sinister motivations whether he's conscious or not conscious of them. Someone earlier posted here regarding the "Madonna whore Complex". It seriously screwed with my head at first but now I'm really starting to wonder if my husband has some insane psychological issues I could never fathom.

@ finallyawakenow:
I'm not sure if Langton has the same experience as me but I do resonate with the stopping in investing. Maybe for one woman it's like "I'm not doing a single thing for him ever again." For me it's more complex and not even my husband understands my behavior. Eg. I warned him 3 years ago that if he didn't start taking my sexual needs seriously that he was starting to play with my feelings in a reckless manner and thus endangering our relationship. (This was after +1 year of him starting to behave peculiar towards our love life.) The problems worsened, and worsened, and started affecting other areas of potential affection such as gift giving, communication, conversation, etc. Fast forward to today: husband knows he's in hot water but either out laziness, denial, not caring, or ??x?? he does nothing to help our marriage. NOTHING. So I keep at it: I make him lunch for work, put notes in his lunch box, give massages, cook his favorite meals, I swear to you I've been at this for an eternity with him. I do it because I enjoy loving him but its hell to be loved by him. So I quit. My emotional investment has dissipated. I continue the lunches, the massages, I try to listen to his political rants, etc but I'm not there. I'm not there emotionally. I've literally turned off the "in love" sensor and stopped letting his actions or words affect me. I stopped caring.

This is dangerous because, as others point out, if kids see this, they'll think it's normal. It's not. Mom putting up with dad and nodding her head up and down and going through the motions is BAD. I do it to survive. Because if I actually allowed myself to be affected by his words and stupid decisions, I would have already left or worse, killed myself.

Last year I needed to nurse my infant. I was in a restaurant and the whole section we were in was empty. I had a special nursing shirt that allows me to nurse without revealing myself. Husband freaked out and gave me BS about respecting the other customers who were 2 tables away from us towards the front: I said it's okay I'll turn my back to them. He was a f*cking irrational and stupid a$$ and insisted I go to the bathroom. I told him the bathroom was tiny and didn't lend itself for me to even stand and nurse. So, I left and nursed the baby in the car. I didn't even get to finish my meal.

When we got home, I was so disgusted with my husband and even angry with God as to why He'd ever let me marry such a ridiculous human being, I was quiet. Husband comes into the kitchen and says, "what are you going to slit your wrists now?" An anger swelled in me for so many reasons. I just left the kitchen. I couldn't bare his presence. Had I allowed his idiotic behavior to affect me, I probably would have happily killed myself out of pride just to teach him a lesson. But then I thought of my kids and how unfair it would be to them. So I did the next closest thing to slitting my wrist as he proposed, I killed the happy girl in me that loved him. That day I died as his wife and became solely a mother who happens to be married.

Our arguments are about him respecting me now, not "you're hurting me and I feel like you're killing me" which has an emotional dependence and a "let's grow old together and help each other become better" attitude. He did kill me. Now it's boiled down to physical needs. And if we ever are intimate, I get to abruptly fantasize that maybe there's hope for us.

I think my husband knows something's up. The last couple times we've been intimate I've wept afterwards. Because sex with him makes me feel loved by him, but I know he doesn't love me.

Wow!! I am embracing the fact that my emotional distance hurt her so I can fix my mistakes. It’s not easy. Still I was never an a-hole or mean. If anything I’ve been a doormat trying to please her. ( I will try to get back to that sometime because I’ve had some enlightening thoughts on the subject) but I hope you know that he’s not well to treat you like this!!! My wife nursed both kids and it is the most beautiful, natural thing on earth. DO NOT let him make you feel anything different!! In fact it was one of our most intimate times. She had a lot of milk and if it got uncomfortable I would ease the pressure. Even once at an outdoor music event. Under a blanket but you get my point. I must say that I’m shocked at his behavior, I don’t get it. And you need to protect your heart. So I get the shutting off in your situation, He didn’t give you an option. I’m forming a pretty good idea of what happened in our marriage. After the kids were born life obviously left little time for a relationship. I had to work alot to keep us afloat. The few friends I had moved away so my life became all about providing and keeping the house/ family together. I fell into a rut and expected her to be available when I had time ( not just for sex). Of course I’m only understanding this now after all my soul searching at the time I was clueless. When she wanted to go out I had immature feelings of abandonment. In my defense ( somewhat) she opened up to her but couldn’t let me in. I often felt like the friend got the best of her and I was left with whatever was left. I know she felt like I was holding her back even though I didn’t intend to. This cycle continued into her affair ( two years!) when I could feel her pulling away. My knee jerk reaction was to pull her closer. It was a horrible situation that caused both of us pain and frustration. I think she had to subconsciously form a distance to ease the guilt. And this barrier is still hanging around. It’s one of the things I hope she can overcome in her therapy. So as a loving husband who’s finally been able to admit I screwed up too, I’d like to give some insight on why your guy is so messed up. But I want to think about it first so I can express it best. Thank you for your insight on this issue.