Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
i can see by reading thorough the posts that as alone as i feel -- i'm not the only one. i'm sooooo done. so tired of silently just 'letting it slide'. so tired of him being in control, and me practically begging. tired of feeling like the maid and roommate. i'm tired of not talking about it - with him, or anyone else. i'm tired of him acting shocked when i bring up "just how long it's been". i'm just plain tired.
i'm 46, he's 52. married 23 1/2 years, dated 2 1/2 years before that. we didn't have sex before we were married - so i had no idea this would be an issue. he was a virgin when we married - and wanted to wait. there were issues right from the start -- on our honeymoon -- i just took it as the "nervous virgin" stuff. we only did it once on a week long trip. it's been a mess since. the longest we have gone without was 8 years. yes - you read it right - 8 years -- with NOTHING more then a quick peck goodnight. usually it's like once every few months. currently it has been 2 months -- it had been 8 months before that.
he has never once - in 23 years initiated -- but he 100% decides if and when. and it isnt spontaneous - it practically has to be by appointment. and he acts totally shocked when i say things like "you know it's been 3 months". we haven't discussed to to much -- but when we have -- he has no idea as to why for anything. and we'll come up with a "plan" and nothing every goes according to that plan.
the only other place i've talked about it was another online group --- and all i got was -- you should leave him. . . etc. that's not my style. but --- i don't deserve to be 'miserable' either.
sigh -- anyway --- looking forward to being part of this group - offering any advice i can, and taking helpful suggestions.
--eb
I imagine you’ve been asked this before...do you think your husband is asexual? Please excuse my bluntness, I mean no harm and this is just my humble opinion. - Whatever his issue is, it was dishonest, duplicitous, and completely unfair to you for him to have married you without disclosing his lack of interest in sex. We marry trusting and believing that we’ll have a full marriage, and that includes being intimate with our spouses on a regular basis.
When you’ve discussed your sex life and make a plan, have you shared with him how you feel and the disappointment in not following through with the agreed upon plan?
@Lacy1517 --- thanks :) believe me the thoughts have crossed my mind - -and honestly no. and as far as him being dishonest when we got married -- not sure i can chalk that up against him. he was a virgin when we got married -- so, not sure he would have known that. lol --- for a long time, in the beginning - i tried to blame myself --- i know it isn't. and yep --- i've told him -- he says he feels awful, and doesn't realize it -- but, nothing ever changes. sigh.
amen -- to all of that. exactly! sigh -- it's exhausting sometimes. i go in spurts -- sometimes it bothers me more than others. i think it depends on "what else" has been going on - or how busy i've been --- but yea --- i didn't sign up for this for an entire marriage --- but i'm also not one to "quit" either --- sigh. i just don't know --- you hang in there too --- hopefully your situation improves too.
My husband is my biggest supporter, best cheerleader, most ardent defender, confidant and best friend. He is funny, affectionate and appreciative of me. He shows me his love not between the sheets, but in the many, daily kindnesses he shows me. I choose not to focus on the "sex factor" when there are so many other wonderful aspects of our marriage.
There was a time several years ago when I did actively pursue a "recreation sex" relationship outside of marriage. I joined Plenty of Fish, met and chatted with a couple of men and actually met up with one man. But I quickly found out that as much as I would have enjoyed sex, I loved my husband more. I was unable to go through with the no strings attached relationship. I decided that rather than spend my time and energy pursuing a meaningless orgasm, I would use that time and energy deepening my relationship with my husband.
I don't know what your exact situation is. Whether or not you love your husband, whether other aspects of your relationship are satisfactory.
Personally, I would rather have no sex with a husband who respects and loves me and treats me as a partner than have great sex with a husband who treats me poorly, without affection, love and respect. That would truly make me miserable.
i agree with much of what you said --- our relationship is solid in other aspects - communication could always be improved in any relationship, lol. we've had many difficulties and many triumphs. we are each others cheerleaders - we respect each other, etc like you stated. we love each other. we are committed -- we are in this for the long haul.
all that being said -- neither of us have strayed outside, or pursued "recreational sex" like you mentioned -- personally i would never do that. i'm glad you are able to put the "sex factor" aside -- for me - intimacy is part of a good and healthy marriage. i'm not saying it is a huge part, or an only part --- but it is a part. and while the rest of the relationship is good, that piece of the proverbial pie is missing - and therefore, not completely whole. don't get me wrong -- i'm not saying we need it every day --- or that is has to be mind blowing --- or even that we have too period. but -- it should be equally agreed upon -- there should be compromises, it should be discussed, etc. that isn't happening.. ugh. it's complicated. lol.
I understand what you are saying. I'm in that place also. I would absolutely love to have sexual intimacy with my husband, but due to his physical health issues, we are unable to enjoy intercourse. And I refuse to hound him about other means of sexual intimacy. I would hope that if intercourse or sexual activity was painful and difficult for me, my partner would not hound or guilt me into participating in an unpleasant sexual encounter. Yes, I am sacrificing some of my wants in order to keep from intentionally hurting my husband's psyche, but it is a sacrifice freely made. A gift to him freely given. As a result of my "gift", I don't feel resentment or anger towards my husband. We still cuddle in bed, he still pulls me into his chest and possessively holds my breast as we fall asleep. He flirts with me, makes me feel desirable. And I know unequivocally that he loves me.
It was very difficult when this started, my feelings were hurt. I did wonder if our marriage was over because the sex appeared to be over. We had those discussions on several occasions. Discussions which left us both in tears. That was another turning point for me. I didn't want to be the cause of pain. I know my husband is unhappy that he can not give me all that I want. This situation is very difficult for both of us at times (usually when I feel insecure and needy) because as loving married partners, we both want to please the other.
Lack of sexual intimacy can be difficult to face and accept, but it does become easier when resentment, fear and anger are replace by love, forgiveness and understanding.
I pray you and your husband find peace.
i completely get your situation. physical/health issues are a completely different story - IMO. that - i could deal with - lol, because i know the "why". that is not the case here --- there is no cuddling, limited hugs/kisses. rejection -- that stings, and messes with the psyche - even though it's happened a thousand times before. i too know he unequivocally loves me --- which makes this all so mind baffling to me. he can't give me a "why" --
@Lacy1517 --- yep -- mine usually revolves around "what's happening" in the rest of the relationship at the time. and yep -- rejection stings - each and every time. i know in my head it's not "me", but my heart doesn't always get the memo - lol. ugh.
Given your husbands long-term reluctance to have sex, I wonder if the "why" isn't childhood sexual abuse. Just a thought...
I hope your situation is improving eyesofblu.