Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Hey all! First post & looking forward to chatting to you!
Not thrilled to be in this situation but I'm a 37 year old mum of two littlies and haven't had sex in two years... or an orgasm from anyone other than myself for about 6 years?? I used to have a fantastic sex life until I got married. My husband just isn't interested and works endlessly. He provides and is a great friend, but that's it. And we both admit and know that.
But does this mean I have to be left on the shelf forever?
My dream in life was to be partnered up with someone who passionately wanted me and I him, and that we'd have a lot of good sex together, always!! I always feel a stab in the chest if I'm at a function and when I know a couple who will go finish their night out with a good screw...I get so jealous.
I really don't know what to do. I just want to feel wanted and desirable but at the same time I couldn't break my kids family.
Is there anyone else around my age going through the same thing? Or anyone that has?
I’m considerably older than you, but I do understand your unfortunate situation. The pain of being sexually undesirable to your spouse (or partner) is indescribable and can truly mess with your head. We’re wired to crave that passion and connection with someone else, especially when we desire them. Of course you get jealous of happy sex-having couples! I would bet most of us here do. It s*cks to see others having what you so desperately want and need.
Our spouses can’t comprehend, or just don’t care, how much their rejection destroys us. There is nothing wrong with you and your desire. It’s normal. However, his lack of interest and what it does to you, isn’t.
If you haven’t already, you might try reading though past posts. There’s an abundance of great information, advice, and support. I’m sure you’ll find common ground with a lot of people here.
Just a question for you both since you know the situation well - did you ever cheat? Or think about cheating?
I haven’t thought about it and I consciously do not want to do it, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live… unless I ask for an open marriage. But in that case I’d rather just break up! But I really do love the person my husband is, we just don’t have the connection.
What path has everyone chosen? And are you content with the decision?
Sorry you're in the group, not a group I'd wish on anyone. I'm close enough in age to you and have 2 kids as well, both in elementary school. I enjoy my life, we dont argue much about finance or chores, we both help out, yet even if 85% of our life is good the lack of intimacy is brutal. I do therapy to help control the anxiety is causes me and triggers from childhood. I will admit it, I might get sympathy sex every 6 mo, so can't imagine what years does to a person. I think about cheating, but not as revenge, but to fill a need. My wife hates any conversation about it, puts in no effort and says she feels cheap by my "neediness". I tell her I'm just trying to love her and she won't let me. If she keeps this up someone else will want to fill that void. I'm not looking for it, but I'd be lying if I wasn't wishing for it to happen. I think I have as good a chance to have sex with a stranger as my wife. I get more touch and compassion from my physical therapist and I try not to have the thoughts but I do. I'm not going to live like a roommate or co-parent and be married because I can do that without being married. I married her for the passion and love that is now dead. She is forcing me to live the way she wants me to live and that is unfair. No compromise, no discussion, no willingness to accept her part in this. We either have to choose to live in pain or live in a different way. I'm almost at the point of telling her to be part of the solution or we need to open the marriage up. I'm not even opposed to living in same house divorced as what would be so different. I've also asked her if she has mental health, physical or body image issues I can help with or understand. I get "there is nothing wrong with me" Can't fix a two person problem with only one. I'm thinking of having video mutual masturbation connections online to see if that helps, but I'm not to sure it will, still not the same to feel the skin of another or the smell and sounds of great sex.
My advice to everyone is to work on themselves, learn what you can deal with and what you need to fight for.
Love this quote
"It is better to be alone and happy in the four walls of your head than to suffer someone’s disrespect, just because you are afraid of loneliness"
Maybe I should start by apologizing for what may be a lengthy answer, along with a venting session (I'm kinda in a dark place right now).
Despite my wife not respecting me, I still respect her too much, at this time, to cheat on her. To be clear, I'm not implying that those who cheat don't respect their spouses. On the contrary, I completely understand someone cheating when they are in a sexless marriage, and I hold no judgement! I had the opportunity to cheat a few years ago and didn't, but that doesn't mean years down the road I'll be as strong. I'm no longer 100% certain that I'll never cheat. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but as time goes by and we grow further apart... What if I meet someone who respects me, who sees me, who wants and desires me, who listens to me and cares about my thoughts and feelings, who asks about my workday and genuinely cares about my answer, who doesn't look at me as their companion and someone to take care of them, who wants passion, someone who isn't so focused on themselves? Will I be able to stay true to my vows? I just don't know anymore. I'd like to believe that I would leave my wife first if that ever happened. Of course, I would much prefer to have all of that with her and for our marriage to get back on track. I think most of us here do.
Being in a sexless marriage doesn't only damage you, it changes you. Before I was in this situation, I thought only an @sshole cheats. However, now I have compassion and a new understanding why someone would cheat. I get it! To have the bond and connection sex brings, to feel desired and attractive, to feel wanted and appreciated, to feel the touch and naked skin of another, it's what we all need and deserve. To have a chance to have all of that again, even for a night, would be heaven.
Some may consider fantasizing about someone who isn't your spouse or partner cheating. If it is, I have definitely cheated many times over! I haven't fantasized about my wife in years. To do so just made me desire her more and it hurt too damn much. For some reason, I haven't even dreamed about having sex with her in years either. Other people yes, but mainly faceless.
So, I doubt I've provided any useful advice, but hopefully you can take something away from my diatribe. Hang in there and know that you're no longer alone in this, you have a group to talk it out with!
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It has been a while since I have been in here and this situation I am on or was in I guess.
I see comments about cheating and/or open relationships. Some have read my post on here and know my story so let me quickly recap. 38 years together and my wife is absolutely my best friend and forever companion. We had gone 2 years without sex. We talk all the time but due to her medication she has no libido. Cheating never was in my mind (well maybe in my mind but something I would never do). So we had a long talk one night and decided I would try swinging with another couple. The outcome was fantastic. I am still swinging, my wife and I are actually closer. IN NO WAY I AM SAYING THIS IS FOR EVERYONE, but it has worked for us. It is nothing like cheating as we discuss my outings in great detail so no secrets. My wife says it has taken a load of stress of her. My love for her is so deep that there is no chance of me taking for another as I only play with couples so the female of the couple is already committed.
That's my input, don't run out and try it of your relationship is not solid but if you are totally open and truly love each other, it my be an option to discuss.