Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Hello, I am new here and hoping to find some sense of direction and support. I have been with my spouse for almost 5 years. During the course of our relationship we have never had a healthy sex life. He suffers from chronic pain, and claims that sex causes his pain. But its been 6 months since we have been intimiate, the longest stretch ive experienced. I have been struggling with feelings of self doubt and un worthlyness. We can not really talk about it as a couple because he gets angry and says he feels bad about it. Yesterday I asked him for the first time if he self pleasures, I did not think he would say yes but he did... now I am so confused... and do not know who to talk to about this, any support would be much appreciated. Thank you!
Lonely :(
I am married 15 years, (last 10 with no affection, communication, help of any kind, or any physical touch) he also had a health issue, but said it doesn't hurt, just was a little uncomfortable... from then on he would not ever try. I did mention a few times...( got the same as you... the anger and guilt trip for daring even bring it up) I decided I wasn't dead yet, so i invested in a couple of toys. I do try to go off and do my own thing, but several times he has walked in on me. Now I try to warn him , but either way... I get the eye roll and " God., not again?" o try to make me feel like a perverted ho when actually I am just human trying to find a teeny bit of satisfaction the only way i can think of..
I will certainly tell you, in case no one else has yet... you should have no doubt about yourself or being worthy of sex or his love. You need to realize HE is the one with this problem, not you. You are young, caring passionate and human and simply want someone to share that special connection with. (Ideally, we should be finding this with our husbands.)
I do have to wonder when he claims sex CAUSES his pain. The fact that he has chronic pain even without sex would shoot a hole in that theory for me. Does he do any therapy (physical or emotional)? And I do think sometimes when they get angry it is because we dare to challenge them when they may be feeling insecure because they don't have a raging libido like most men. I wonder if he would try a couples counseling where you could open up and share how this makes you both feel?
As far as him doing his own thing. It is easier (I think) for him to simply yank and play (forgive my bluntness here) than it would be with all the movement and momentum with another person... maybe that is it? Honestly though, if he has enough forethought to do that for himself, there are things he could do for you that didn't necessarily need alot of physical movement... if you were wiling to take him up on those?
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs
He is getting physical therapy and it SEEMS to be helping slowly with his daily "Pain" but no progress in the area of our intimate lifestyle.
I have sacrificed so much in HOPES that things will improve but now I feel as though my hope is fading away and I do not want to continue to put my energy into trying to pacify myself with positive self talk, its getting harder and harder to push my needs aside...
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In my situation anger and resentment has continued to build up and I have been asking for a divorce. This past week the attorney and i came up with an idea of how to split things. Not only did he shoot me down, but, all of a sudden, he was there with hugs and kisses to try to tell me he would try to do better. We did both wind up arguing to try to explain how the other was feeling. Long story a bit shorter. I don't want a forced attempt at affection..... also, There is too much resentment and it is too little too late. he did the guilt trip of me throwing away 15 years (Frankly, I am wondering where the hell he has been the last 10?)
it is time we all stopped putting our needs aside. I found someone special ( and then others ) who did give me something I desperately needed.... some validation, my self esteem and encouragement and support. I now realize I am a caring, attractive, intelligent woman who does have alot to offer and is still sexy and wanted. (Just being reminded of these things... which I am very sure DO APPLY TO BOTH OF YOU LADIES AS WELL...... does amazing things for our egos. After being discounted and avoided like the plague, we need to hear this) Also, I got a few toys. It does suck, but is better than nothing.... til a solution or something better comes along.
The three of us just need to pop back in here when we are sinking back down. There are many others---- women and men from 20s to 70s who all struggle with a SO who will not touch us.
@prettyprairie--- call your friend! You need a pep talk and some kind words .
Hugs to both of you.
What I also find fascinating is again: the shame our spouses try to make us feel, the fact it's easier for them to play with themselves then actually comfort their crying spouse, the incredible loneliness we feel, the fact our requests and complaints are ignored ALWAYS, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: their rejection of intimacy is a sign of something MUCH DEEPER as we experience being neglected with simple acts of affection: "how are you", a text message, a hug, a kiss, a meal, a note, a gift, whatever.
Specifically, for a WOMAN to be denied sex really screws with her head because our western culture has taught us "guys love sex" (how much of that is true idk) so if YOUR man doesn't want sex (or sex with you) then we literally freak out: am I fat? Ugly? I cooked him dinner. The house is clean. I made a really good paycheck. I bought him a gift. I watched (insert tv show here) with him. Like, the female mind doesn't stop asking "what am I not doing right?" We mistakenly absorb responsibility for the unhappy marriage and no matter how hard we try it doesn't work.
Kind of have to agree 100% with Queen... I'm thinking about counseling, of investing into sanity to get me through the desert, and just keep waking up every day without letting the negativity absorb your identity.