Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
I guess it's cathartic to just be able to 'tell' somebody about my particular situation as I am too embarrassed to tell anyone I know.
I met my wife 20 years ago and have been married for 14 years. We have two children of 10 and 8.
At the beginning of the relationship sex was good and we were both very flirtatious and I would say it was healthy, maybe some weeks we would have sex 2 or 3 times and other times it might just be 2 or 3 times a month.
After about 4 years my wife experienced pain and discomfort and we both were concerned, consulted doctors etc. There was nothing conclusive but she withdrew sexually which I understood at the time and suggested we try non penetrative sex and 'go slow' and even get some therapy. She is not someone who readily accepts suggestions and external help. All discussions about sex were short lived and I was made to feel as though I was being abusive in some way.
On reflection we sort of limped along and i thought it will get better over time. We got married and things didn't really improve and I felt a bit jilted as it became a subject we couldn't talk about.
When we talked about children she became more attentive and became scientific about getting pregnant consenting/initiating sex when the 'time' was right.
Having the first child was great/tiring and all of the first parent stuff. Sex was obviously on the back burner and after about 10 months we tried sex, having not had any intimacy since conceiving. She became pregnant again and we had our second child.
After conceiving the second child she refused any of my approaches and retreated from any form of intimacy again.
i thought that this would pass but it didn't and can honestly say that we've been intimate maybe once a year since then. Bringing up the subject causes her to be defensive and aggressive.
I realise I can't feel sorry for myself for not taking more assertive action earlier before marriage or children but I'm drained of emotion and long for intimacy of even the simplest kind, a hug at bedtime, a playful kiss or touch occasionally.
I feel I should have left the relationship a long time ago and now there's just too much at stake. I feel backed into a corner. I love my wife and family and would do anything for them but I feel I've missed out for the last 15 years on a part of my life that I used to really enjoy.
Im about to raise the topic again and fear the usual response and aggression which I think might have become a little controlling. I really now just want my wife to accept that some form of counselling is necessary as the subject is something I can't now stop agonising over.
I realise there are bigger problems in the world but I've become so unhappy and tired of putting on a brave face for the rest of the world.
Nice to meet you all on here and hope we can support each other.
It IS very cathartic to get it out (since it is not something we can discuss with most family or friends) There are many here who have been (and others who still continue to go) through this with a sympathetic ear and yes (some words of advice) and many more of support and encouragement.
I will say that for me, with my late husband (he passed Jan 30th but I had actually begun divorce proceedings a year and a half earlier) every time I tried to tell him how I was feeling, he would highjack the conversation. he turned it around as though I was accusing, blaming him when I was very careful to weigh my words so as NOT to come off that way.
I finally realized as my anger and resentment grew, that he did turn things around so he did not have to hear what I had to say... or the fact that he had some blame in all this. One day I managed to continue talking and saying exactly what I needed to. I did not allow him to silence or distract me . Afterwards, I did feel quite a relief. I doubt he actually did listen or accept how I felt , but I was able to express it and take back my voice. I was very tired of being abandoned or disregarded. (I realized that some of the anger and resentment was directed at myself for allowing this to continue for so long. It felt good to unload some of that)
I can;'t see why she would be upset if you did try to openly talk with her. If you start with the fact how you do have so much more now. More bonds and more at stake... The fact that you do love her and your kids , but you need some affection and touch.... and to know if she does still care? Mentioning just going to talk to a counselor should be a good option (in my mind anyway)
I wish you good luck with your next talk.... (remember, don't let her stop you from saying what you are feeling and wish you both could work on together)
Hugs, Kim
I made it clear that this issue has been around too long and there’s always an emergency which stops us talking about it.
She said she wasn’t going to talk about it this eve and that we would have to wait a week until the kids are back at school.
I accepted it rather than argue and will wait until next week.
Should I have demanded more ? I’m worried that she will create an argument to avoid the conversation.
I feel guilty for raising the topic and have gone to bed with the usual mix of frustration and loneliness.
I am sure when that day comes around, she again will have her excuses and will also get very defensive and say you are "blaming her' for everything. This is what THEY do.
I would finally let him spout his usual banter, but I did not let it affect me or silence me anymore. So after his usual response, I continued and told him I am not attacking or blaming.... just need to say HOW I FEEL.
We all need to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. Hearing that she and your family means so much you want to work on it to make it better for all of you should open her eyes and maybe that closed mind a little (hopefully) If she still ignores and refuses to even listen, then I would say there is more to it (Which only enforces the need for therapy , both individual and with you both)
My thoughts are with you and I do hope you are soon finally able to calmly say how you feel and " get the ball rolling " (so to speak)
Hugs, Kim
If she mentions stress or too much going on, maybe if she heard that you do too , but maybe with some communication (and encouragement) that things could possibly improve for you both?
Do NOT feel guilty... Anger , frustration and loneliness seemed to come to me after I was again completely discounted and accused of picking another argument. There is something t0 be said to allowing him to spout his crap, but then calmly continuing and telling him exactly what I needed to express... The fact that I too have an opinion and feelings and a right to be heard. (Once you get your voice back, alot of the anger and resentment will fade)
I told her I wasn’t blaming her and that we are way beyond assigning blame.
We spoke about sex this year and had a disagreement as to whether it was once or twice!
I asked in very clear terms that if she wants to meet me half way she will have to take positive action.
At one stage she became aggressive and suggested I leave if I’m not happy. I told her that was easy to say and that everyone deserves to be happy and work at being happy.
She is sulking now and I know I’m going to face a week or so of the silent treatment.
I am wondering what if you asked her if she WANTS you to leave? (because that is how she is making you feel... like she'd rather you leave so she does not have to even try to work on your marriage?) And of course then she would put all the blame on you. Hang in there.
Sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves to be unhappy and everyone should seek to live a fulfilled life.
I think we all too often ‘invest’ a fair chunk of our happiness in others, which for a lot of couples seems to work fine.
I have recently thought about getting out of my ‘rut’ and endless arguments, followed by silence and then resentment. I don’t mean leaving I mean mentally preparing and adapting.
I believe one of the things we can do is accept where we are. I don’t mean accept that it’s right, or forget we are suffering. I suffered by being resentful and having hopes that everything would change in one magical moment. I resented myself for not leaving the relationship years ago before children.
I’m at a point now where I have accepted the position I’m in as a real one and not one that any silver bullet will fix. I’ve accepted that dwelling on years lost is not going to help me.
It’s difficult because at first I felt empty, like I had thrown away years of investment in the relationship.
I’m allowing myself to focus on me a little more. Do things I love doing, do more with my kids etc.
I’m getting fit again, applying for new challenging ‘out there’ jobs, keeping in touch with my friends and family.
I’m not giving up on getting a sex life back, and that may be with someone else, but I’m repairing the areas of my life that I can as I realise the damage the years of no intimacy has done.
I’m getting back to enjoying life and building my confidence back to where it was years ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not relegating sex to a chair at the back of the room. It’s right at the front albeit the chair is currently empty.
I will continue to try and talk to my wife about sex and intimacy but I’m not going to allow the issue to dominate me.
I’m preparing myself for a more rewarding future and looking forward to filling that chair with my wife hopefully but equally it could be someone else.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t fight the past, you are where you are, invest in yourself right now, you/we are intimate sexual beings and when we feel confident we’ll be in the right place to make the best decisions and attract the right attention.
Take good care.