Hello and welcome to the group. My late husband did actually shut down both physically and emotionally for the last 12 of our 17 yr marriage. . I would come to realize that he too did love me as best he knew how. (Both of us did not exactly have healthy happy examples to start)

After so long with little communication, absolutely no physical touch I was feeling about as sexy as a garden slug. I would start chatting and texting with others. I think the thing is when we aren't getting what we do need (and after repeatedly begging for it from our spouses , but with no result) we do resort to other measures.

I too would grow so close to another man a zillion miles away (he is across the pond, I am in the states) He and I would open up and share so much and I was getting all I wished I had in my marriage from him. Remember that line in that song..." We don't always get what we want, but we get what we need.?" That does seem to help many of us survive and rediscover that we are still attractive, sexy , desirable and human... and we do need that (in my opinion anyway.) I now understand why some do things they have done ... before all was so black and white.... I now see there can be gray areas that some do cross. Bare in mind sometimes we are so drawn to a stranger we are just getting to know especially when they are so kind and sweet and telling us what we want to hear... it is not hard to do.

Know that you are not alone in this. I send hugs as you too deal with all this. Kim

I agree whole heartedly and then some with what Queen is saying. Once upon a time I'd never dream of being with someone else while I was in a committed relationship with someone! But after almost 20 years of being in a relationship with someone who has totally shut down any form of intimacy and is apathetic and almost hostile when I try and show any kind of interest in trying to be intimate with her,

I can more than understand why people do seek intimacy outside of their relationship. It might not be right but it is what they feel they need to do to survive when they find they're unable to have those desires fulfilled with the one they're in a relationship with. And sometimes it's not always so easy to simply end that relationship and find someone else. Life can be complicated and there's not always an easy answer or a simple fix.

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice to give or some magical way to snap my fingers and make everything better even though I truly wish I could! Just know though that you're not alone out there and we're here if you ever need to talk. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that things will get better! :)

Tmillerofde, thank you. I needed to know I'm not alone. Cause right now I sure feel like it. Im so lost I cant find my own toes... lol.. this daily strength has helped me so.. you and veggiequeen. More than you know. Thank you and I'm here to listen to either of yall too. Anytime!

Don’t feel bad about having feelings for someone else — it’s a basic human need and clearly, your spouse isn’t helping you.

I would encourage you to get counseling though. Even if your SO won’t go with you, at least you can have an ally as you conqueror (or attempt to attack) their issues.

I'm doing better.. thank you.. my husband says we will go to a councilor. First meeting monday night. I'm hoping it will open up the path to working things out in our marriage. Tired of being lonely and frustrated. Im gonna have faith it will help us. I hope things with your situation will find some Avenue of working things out for your emotional and mental health. Talk to me if you want. I'm listening!

I feel you. My husband loves me and doesn’t want a divorce but he also doesn’t want to put in the work for the woman he loves. Doesn’t make sense. I feel like they want to keep us in “their” idea of marriage. I’m so damn hurt and lost in all this.

Kfinkle, i have been in this exact same circumstance.... except for one thing.:

Him telling you that he would "die" is emotional blackmail and is unacceptable. He's putting his emotional needs before yours while you sacrifice day after day. I'm not trying to make you angry, but maybe you need a bit of fire in your belly to make a change. YOUR NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT TOO.