Sexless Marriage Community Group
This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.
Hello, I am new to this forum. A little bit about me...I am 32, I have a 6 year old, and I am engaged to a pretty awesome guy. He isn't my daughter's dad and we already refer to each other as husband and wife, so I will refer to him here as my husband because it is just easier.
Anyway, obviously I am here because something is missing in my relationship, and I need some support and I am hoping to find it in this group. My husband has seemingly lost interest in me sexually. It has been going on for some time now. We will go through these phases of where we have sex multiple times a week, and then we will go months without so much as touching each other intimately except to hold hands while laying in bed watching TV. The most recent dry spell we had was 6 months, then we broke the dry spell and for a couple of weeks in March, had sex like every day and now nothing since April.
I have approached him about it, I have expressed my frustration with being in what seems to be a sexless marriage. But it always ends in an argument which perpetuates the dry spell further. I have also expressed how it hurts me that he chooses to watch porn and take care of himself over being intimate with me.
I don't feel like I am asking too much when I am asking for intimacy. It would be nice for him to come home sometimes and instead of turning on the TV or checking the news on his phone, to engage me in some sexy time. Not necessarily resulting in sex per say but making out or something to make me feel wanted and like he at least thought about me once that day. I don't feel like we should be having these problems so early on and I have to be honest when I say I have contemplated either leaving him or hooking up with some stranger just to feel like I am attractive for one night. The only thing that has stopped me is knowing that it isn't worth it to ruin an otherwise great relationship just because sex isn't happening as much as I would like it to. But I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I can't be in a platonic marriage forever.
On top of all that, he wants a baby (so do I), but I have resigned to the fact that it may never happen because we do not have sex nearly enough to conceive a child. It took me three years to get pregnant with my daughter and her dad and I had sex every day. Once every couple of months isn't going to cut it.
I don't know what to do. I have tried just ignoring it, being patient, and hoping that he will come back around to wanting to have sex with his willing wife again. I have tried to initiate to let him know that I am wanting to fool around and he just rejects me and gets upset with me because he isn't physically in the mood if you know what I mean. I have tried wearing sexy clothes, wearing skirts more, showing more skin, sleeping naked, sexy texts...nothing. I don't understand why he doesn't want me. It hurts so bad.
as someone in a 15 year sexless marriage let me share with you a realization i have had...and that is that marriage, for as sacred and wonderful a thing as it is, will not solve any problems which already exist between the two of you. if you catch yourself thinking "things will sort themselves out once we're married" you are mistaken.
I think too many people see engagement as a one-way on-ramp to marriage...once you commit to it, you cannot change course. If you and your intended are not compatible for whatever reasons...spiritually, emotionally, physically, the best and kindest thing for both of you is to discover it now, before you have both knit your lives together in marriage. How much eventual sadness and misery could have been avoided if those with doubts had simply listened to the little voice in the back of their heads saying that things aren't as they should be....
I encourage you to speak, openly and honestly with your fiancee about your fears and concerns. This is not the time to simply "go along with the program". Ask him why he runs so hot and cold...is it stress at work, or perhaps he has unvoiced concerns about your marriage which is interfering with things. Seek answers together. If he won't engage, that tells you something. If you can't talk about your mutual happiness without fighting about it, that says something too.
Both of you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. The problems you see and feel today will not simply go away after you're married. If anything, they will grow with time and get worse.
This is the time for both of you to "try on" the idea of marriage. Explore the issues. Consider the benefits and the liabilities....talk about any concerns you have. any reservations. any fears. your life together now is like a preview of what your marriage will mostly likely be. If you two are right for each other, nothing you discuss or address will harm your chances for a happy life...as long as it is done lovingly and together. And if, at the end of this process, you feel for whatever reason that is it best to wait, postpone or cancel your wedding plans...then that is the right decision, for both of you.
I hope you can find the answers you seek.
all the best,
sleepykoala
First off, know that you're not alone. We're here for to support you and we're rooting for you. Anything I say, or anyone else for that matter, is just a suggestion. You've got to find what's right for you, but we love to see how we can help.
First, I agree completely with SleepyKoala. Marriage will not fix things. Nor will having a kid together for that matter. I'd wait to have a kid until after your married because that's a lifelong commitment and children should be given parents who are committed together for that long. I'd also wait to get married until you feel his commitment to "have and to hold" you will actually be fulfilled. Finally, I would not wait to do any of these things until you are financially "ready." You guys will do what you have to do to keep your children fed and clothed, so in a way, you'll always be financially "ready."
Next, I'd like to talk about his porn usage. If he is not meeting your physical needs but is looking at porn, something's wrong. I'd feel differently, if he wasn't looking at porn and still rejecting you or if he was looking at porn, but only after he had exhausted the chance of being sexual with you first. You can't fix him, but I would suggest that you look up the SAnon support group for partners of sex addicts. I know that that sounds extreme to label him as such, but there is definitely something broken in him in the sexual arena, and they'll be able to give you some real support that we aren't able to extend.
Finally, I'd be cautious about the way you approach this camp gladiator activity. First, make sure you are doing it for you (for your health or strength) not for him. I've made the mistake of thinking I was doing exercise for me, but actually, I was hoping that if I were more attractive, it'd encourage some action from my wife. That never happened. Nor should I do things "for me" expecting them to fix our sex problem. The activity could be completely healthy, but doing it for the wrong reason (hoping it'll change the situation) negates the benefits. Secondly, I wouldn't hide doing it from your husband. Also, I wouldn't expect him to go or want to get healthy himself. Focus on you because that's all that you really have the power to change.
Also, just to make a note about the title of the post. Don't ever feel inadequate because of a lack of sexual intimacy when your husband is sexually broken. I know it hurts, and you'll feel rejected, but never feel unattractive, worthless, or inadequate. That's like weighing yourself with a broken scale. You wouldn't trust the scale, so don't trust your husband's rejections as having any value in determining your worth. You are a worthy person. Working on knowing that for yourself is probably the most powerful thing you could work on (as well as the most powerful thing I could work on too).
Good luck to you and keep us updated on your progress!
I've been going to camp gladiator and I am feeling great. I told my husband I was going to do this and he was super supportive and has been since I started. He even said to me last night he would be interested in getting a weight set for us to lift weights together. I quickly let go of my desire to do it for him early last week and I'm doing it for me now because it feels great and I am feeling better and more confident each time I complete an hour with my camp group.
Sex life hasn't really improved much and he still watches the pork but things have improved in our intimacy. This is probably gonna be someone's idea of the least intimate thing and man and wife can exercise but the last two weekends, we have worked in the yard together. 2 weeks ago we hung a fence together and this past weekend we cleared a bunch of trees so we can lay down raised beds for a garden. We had a lot of fun together, we didn't argue, and we accomplished something as a couple and it felt really great. I felt so close to him and like we were on our way back to normal.
Yesterday, we had a bit of a misunderstanding via text in which he got really defensive and instead of fighting with him, I was somehow able to find the right words to say about how I felt without coming off as accusatory and he FINALLY saw. He realized how defensive he was being and how it was hurting me and acknowledged that he needed to work on it and he apologized to me.
I have also started a 30 day spiritual renewal with a woman's devotional which I firmly believe has been of assistance in how I approach confrontation and how I speak to my husband.
Thank you all for the support. I'm not leaving, I just took a little break to work on some things and get out of the funk.