Sexless Marriage Community Group

This group is for those people who find themselves married to a partner who has little or no interest in having a sexual relationship. This can be very painful for the other partner and leave them feeling rejected, unloved and unwanted. This is a group to provide support for this very painful and very private issue.

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Lacy1517 06/12/2019

I’m relieved to have found a group who understands what it’s like being in a sexless marriage. All though I feel for all of you who are also going through this.

I’ve know and been friends with my wife for 13 years. We’ve been together the last 6 years. Our sex life was A-mazing in the beginning! She even told me that she would not be in another sexless relationship (like her previous one) and that she wouldn’t be happy with only having sex once or twice a week. We both agreed sex was important. By 1 1/2 years into the relationship our sex life had taken a huge hit. Sporadically we’d have frequent sex followed by months without. Then over time sex dwindled more and more. 3 plus years in she went through early menopause followed by breast cancer. Our sex life has never recovered. Last year we had sex 3 times. This year looks like it isn’t going to be much better. The few times we’ve had sex this year, it wasn’t from her desiring me, it was her needs needing satisfied. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing more in this world that I enjoy doing more than satisfying my wife, but it pains me to no longer be desired. She won’t even kiss me, other than a peck, unless we’re having sex. I’m fortunate though that we are still affectionate - cuddling, hand holding, sitting close together, and that we laugh together and enjoy each other’s company....most of the time. I’m not sure if it hurts more that she no longer desires me or that she knows how devastated I am by our sexless marriage and doesn’t seem to care or want to do anything about it. Well, other than make excuses.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

veggiequeen 10/28/2019

I would say it is a great thing to still have the cuddling and closeness. To me is still a bitter sting for her to know how much you still want and need her but to no avail. Is good that she does still have some desire, but I just cannot understand how they only concern themselves with THEIR needs and wants and we are at their mercy.

The fact that she did turn to you when she needed that connection should tell you she does still desire you -- even if not as much as you would like. I am wondering what would happen if you did occasionally turn to her with your needs (and desire for her) if she may remember that you are all too happy to do for her.

Please remember that you are still the same as you always were-- still attractive, caring and affectionate--- she is the one who has changed. (I know that doesn't help much, but may it help to know you are not alone.. Sadly there are far more of us then one would think)

Hugs, Kim

Lacy1517 11/07/2019

Hi Kim! I apologize for taking sooooo long to reply. A family emergency and life got in the way.

I’m amazed by your insight and thank you for your kind words. It does help. I especially needed reminding that she’s the one who has changed.

It’s true....we are at their mercy. Wish I had big enough balls to try to initiate sex with her. After years of being rejected and being treated as if something were wrong with me for wanting intimacy with her, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m terrified to initiate. Plus, I’ve learned that the rejection is much worse for me than going without sex. You, and probably everyone else on this site, knows how crushing and completely dismantling the rejection is. About 1 1/2 years ago I stopped trying to initiate. I explained to her how her rejection made me feel and that I would no longer pressure her by initiating, because I couldn’t deal with the pain any more of being rejected. Many times since then we’ve discussed that I’m willing, able, and more than ready ANYTIME she gives me the green light.

I’m curious....do you see it as a betrayal on their part? A breaking of their wedding vows? I think we all signed on for a complete, a whole, marriage and relationship. I know I did.

Emptyshell49 11/07/2019

You said your wife had breast cancer. Did she have a mastectomy? If so, she may be embarrassed about her body. Have you talked to your wife about why her interest in sex had decreased? Maybe talking about it may change her wanting to have sex more often. You’re lucky that cuddling and hand holding is still present. Maybe the next time the two of you are cuddling, you might ask, in a loving way, if you can talk about the lack of love-making in your marriage. I would hope she would be open to a calm discussion. I say calm because my wife would get upset that I brought it up. Good luck! I hope the two of you can work something out.

Lacy1517 11/08/2019

Emptyshell49 - My wife did have a mastectomy (one breast removed). However, she amazingly isn’t uncomfortable about her body around me and goes topless or naked without a second thought. She’s still just as beautiful to me and I’m always telling her so.

I know exactly what you mean when you said your wife would get upset if you brought the subject up! Sounds like you’re speaking from experience about approaching the conversation in a calm and loving way. Except on the rare occasion, my wife gets angry and defensive (her go to reaction on most matters) no matter how respectfully and calmly I broach the subject. I even use “I” statements and try to avoid accusing her or blaming her. We’ve had more conversations/arguments than I can count about our sex life. Once I got her to watch “The Sex-Starved marriage” by Michele Weiner-Davis on YouTube with me. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend googling the video.

I truly appreciate your advice, and if you have any other suggestions, send them my way!

veggiequeen 11/09/2019

You asked if I saw it as a betrayal? I was from the old school--- for better or worse, til death us do part. I figured it was just another thing to deal with. He completely shut down and expected me to do the same. I tried for awhile--- going through the motions day by day with absolutely nothing to look forward to. For me it was (and still is) no way to live and quite frankly I didn't even care if I saw another day. Others said sex is not (or should not) be a priority at our age. But as I found so many others who also feel the same, I do believe yes it can be a betrayal with their complete disregard for us and the vows we shared.

My stbx would say differently as he picks and chooses his particular vows of importance...

PS I completely understand no longer bringing up the subject or even trying to initiate any kind of affection. It kills you as they continue to turn us down. I stopped even suggesting anymore. For me there has been such anger and resentment building as he continues to take but puts nothing into our marriage. There is no attraction or desire left.

When you do still have love left between you, it is a plus (but can make things seem so clouded as there is still that disregard for your needs. )
Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Emptyshell49 11/12/2019

Hi Lacy. You sound like a very loving and caring husband and it does seem your wife loves you too! With you and your wife still having some simple intimacy, I think you will have success in getting things back to normal with love making in the future. Keep talking and please do continue to come here to get advice. I wish you much luck. Loving couples deserve to be able have total intimacy with each other.

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