After getting the same reactions forever , I assume what he is implying. I have been yelled at often as he says I don't know what he thinks. I still get the occasional eye rolls when he walks in on me trying to play. and do believe he thinks I am a perve.

I too crave that touch, any sort of affection and to actually experience passion. Because I can't bring myself to actually go out and find someone who does want me (partly because I can't allow myself since the divorce is not final, and partly because I do doubt myself and my sexuality) I am forced to result to trying to please myself and being shamed for doing so.

Whether we do know how their warped minds work. I think we need to stop allowing them to hurt us with their actions and words. THEY are the ones with the problems. It is time for us to remember we are still the women we once were. We are still compassionate, attractive (with or without a few more hips and curves or a new line or two), intelligent, creatures who still do have that curiosity, and ache for affection and happiness buried so deep inside us. Is time for us to let em look, or say what they want, but know it is not our reality.
(Forgive my mouth, but fuck them. )

Is long overdue for both of us to leave them in the dust. (I know, easier said than done) Love and hugs, Kim

I know what you mean, having an affair is not on the cards for me either. basically because I have given up on men and also i would not feel good about myself. i don't feel guilty about diy (if you know what i mean!) it is normal and not hurting anyone. i ache for affection and happiness but i do not have any hope of getting it from a man. It is not just the physical part i miss though it is the emotional comfort, of knowing someone cares about me and cares what is happening to me. i don't get that from my DH at all. I think that i bore him.
it is long overdue for both of us. i pray that both of us don't leave it too late.. sometimes i fear that he will have a stroke or a heart attack and i will be trapped here for the rest of my life. My DH is obese and unhealthy.....

Mine as well. He is just having another issue where he will probably lose more of his foot. That is what got me spiraling down again. Feeling my hope disappear and seeing myself just as you fear... trapped. I am struggling to pull myself back up again and with support and encouragement here, it has helped me again to hang on. HUgs

Thank you Kim , yeh today has been a good day, he helped with my grandson. I then get a glimmer of hope and my heart is a little lighter. But I know deep down that it wont last. His secretive behaviour continues, passwords on everything, even my grandchildren cannot play on his lap top etc. if he really wanted to make the effort he would remove them, what is he hiding I wonder ?
sometimes I think that there are some women in much worse relationships and other days I cannot bear it.
it is mentally exhausting and I never feel at peace. I know what you mean about hope disappearing Kim. but you have so much to offer Kim, don't waste your life. thinking of you....

Porn addiction had taken over, I've been in that relationship for 5 years

it slowly destroys your self esteem. even tonight he comes in gets handed his tea and he zones in to the tv. i talk to him and he doesn't even notice that I am talking and just continues watching tv. I feel like putting his tea over his head but i don't I just withdraw thinking that I am boring and have nothing to say that interests him. my mood then drops lower and lower

That tea over the head does sound like a plan. haha You are not boring , he is an ass. Hugs. (I have one of those too.)