Use her own vocabulary, and make sure she's understanding you by asking "do you understand what I'm saying?" Today somehow I was able to yet again engage my husband in conversation by saying, "I don't know what to say." Just be totally honest and ask her to give you just 5 minutes of respect without injecting her own thoughts: that what you have to say is extremely important because you're hurting and you feel like you're on the verge of quitting being her husband. She HAS TO AGREE to marital counseling. That's not fair to you to leave you in the dark the way she has. She can't simply work on herself while leaving you to wonder why your marriage is causing you pain. Don't let her get away with being selfish.

Before confronting her, I would make a decision. Come up with what you want, something constructive and positive. Ask her to let you speak your mind without interruption (OR write a letter to her which you read aloud to her) and then end it with "if you continue to refuse (request), I will do (consequence)." Give her an ultimatum.

Don't mention that you're thinking about an affair. If she really breaks you down, the most you should probably disclose is that you find other women treating their men right and you're wondering wtf you did wrong. You mention the idea of an affair and she'll either not take you seriously or be irate that you'd mention an affair.

Best wishes, dm6

Btw i failed to mention that I empathize with your frustration to talk about the matter. I've realized I've had to nearly badger my spouse in my pursuit of "what do you have against sex?! We're married!!" I've needed to be uncharacteristically assertive, almost borderline aggressive to get my husband to tell me what his deal is. Best if luck. It's not easy, and don't expect to get an answer from her in one day. She might give you several answers over the course of days/weeks/ months. Hang in there...

Hey there scimitar and welcome. I only joined the group last week but already I feel like I have the right to welcome you. I have been able to vent my frustrations and recieve great advice. Like I was reassured; know that there is no ‘to long’ message so there’s no need for apologies. I ( we ) feel for you as I understand your situation very well. My wife (LL) amd I are, at the present, making a great attempt to understanding our marriage issues. Let’s just say we’ve been together a long time and as we grew up together and raised a family we to have become family. We will always have that bond the rest of our lives. Small example; when we talk about living separate lives she knows that I will always still be there for her. That the bond I have with her mom is real and will continue. I will continue to be there for our children ( who are young adults now). That bond. It is part of who I am. Sadly we have always had difficulty expressing our feelings and through the years the relationship has become a brother/ sister union. Which, don’t get me wrong, is beautiful, but it’s not the marriage either of us want to be in anymore. There are too many hurt feelings on both sides. I happen to be going through an accelerated journey of self discovery ( last six months) due to a sudden change in my life so I have had a lot of time for deep contemplation on the direction I want to take from now on in my life. I have always been a spiritual person but I had forgotten why a while ago. I’m rediscovering that and much more. This has been enlightening in every way and particularly given my insight into my marriage. So much that I am making major changes in myself because I found I didn’t love myself anymore. I want intimacy in my marriage so badly but I know now that to get there I have to start with me. My hope is that in becoming a better person for myself she will notice and be inspired to find herself also. And then we can advance into the marriage we both desire. Although she is so emotionally drained that she is struggling to find the strength. So while I can’t do it for her, I can continue to build myself up so as to be emotionally available from now on. And that’s a new thing that I need to be very patient with. So I guess I may be different in this group in that I see that our lack of sex stems from both of us. I’m going to stop here but I will be continuing this elsewhere on our site. Keep expressing yourself so you can get more clarity on what it is you truly want. Then start building the road to get there.

Welcome to the group. You can tell from the first responses (and hopefully this one) that you can share whatever you are struggling with on here. From the time i first came to DS, I have found alot of support from many who do care and are trying to spare us some of the pain and heartache they have had to go through.

I have come to realize most of us on here have a partner who is on the other end of the scope with no want or need for sex. I am wondering , as DM6 said, if you ask her just for a few minutes explain how you are feeling... maybe that would help. Often we get so wrapped up in building resentment from being disregarded or ignored. Really it is a matter of taking time to communicate how we are feeling (without pointing blame toward them).

We can only hope if they could understand what it does to us or how it feels to have them (for whatever reason) not want to touch or be touched by us . They have no clue just what damage that does not just to our marriage, but our self esteem as well. Good luck.

Hey scimitar - I was in the same boat as you a little more than a year ago. Tell your wife that this is a big source of pain for you and you want to resolve it by going to counseling. You can also offer that counseling will give her an opportunity to present any issues giving her pain in your marriage.

Don’t let this fester or it will grow into resentment. I let the sex problem in our marriage fester a long time and iall the resentment came out in a nasty argument I’m still ashamed of. We went to counseling after that.

This is not my area of expertise. I wish it was. When I first broached this with my wife some frigid character from "Frozen" appeared in her place and the room temperature dropped. Figuratively speaking. It has gotten slightly better but I am not comfortable broaching the subject and I think concsiously or otherwise that is part of the plan.
In my case it's no sex and no marital bed. My theory is that if she really analysed this and the way she has handled it , it would be to some extent indefeseable. So better not to go there. It's better for her in the moment but it's destroying me and I think her as well to not deal with and fix it.

Don't ask me. I've poured my heart out and gotten almost nowhere. A couple of instances after 4 years and then broken promises. But if you figure it out please let me know. LOL