When I in my early 20's I had many sexual flings, one offs - short term quick sexual relationships, and needless to say non of them ever lead to any satisfaction for me at all. ZERO. What do young boys know anyway. I have had 3 long terms serious relationships, the first of 3 years I think we had plenty sex, but I was never satisfied, the second we had sex maybe 6 times the entire relationship - leaving much to be desired. Being young and emotional this really imprinted very negatively on me. I started to feel unwanted, rejected and inadequate. Well then to my awesome husband who is my everything, absolutely everything, my soul mate, best friend - I just cannot fathom life without him... I met him when I was 16, started dating at 21, married at 25 and now 7 years later - again, no sex. We didn't even have sex on our wedding day.  We use to have sex maybe once a month, but in the last two years that's down to once every 2 to 3 months if I am lucky. And needless to say, the lack of practice has us both award, unskilled, and just down right terrible lovers. There's no kissing, no foreplay, just a quick hallo in the morning, fumble here or there and then its over. And he promises me he will make it right later that day, but then weeks and months go by with no effort at all from him. He wont look at me with desire, absolutely NO kisses of passion or touches. just nothing... I have begged, I have pleaded, I have threatened, I have spent all our years together talking about it in every possible way I can imagine, trying every trick in the book from my end to get things going yet he hasn't done a single thing to remedy the problem from his end. If anything happens, it's only from my side. Only I initiate, only I try.
I feel suicidal. I feel like I need to go to a doctor and beg for drugs that will kill my libido once and for all. I fantasize about cheating. I have started to watch porn which I despise. I am such a loyal honest human and it kills me that I feel that my only way forward is to cheat or divorse. My father cheated on my mother and I hated him for it and now I finally understand how he could. I finally understand his anquish, but I dont want to go down that path... I dont want to abandon my principles.
We finally have a little one on the way. And all I can think about is how I am never to experience passionate sex, never to experience an orgasm. Never to feel what it feels like to be desired. Forever drowning in the excuses of why I am never and will never be a reason to have sex. These thoughts are killing me. Ever day I wake up wanting sex, wanting intimacy of any kind, and then I have to breath through the chest pains, breath through the hurt and go wash away my desires in the shower. Does anybody else feel this intensely about it? What is the best way of coping with this?