My mom also died young . A week before her 53rd birthday. I have been told since she passed how much I am like her... from my looks, build mannerisms and every last detail. When that time came around for me, I was in such an unhappy empty marriage having to do all myself with nothing to look forward to that I was actually looking forward to an end to my suffering. I actually told my hubby that he had better be nice because I only had a few weeks left. He laughed and I was actually a little disappointed it could not be so easy for me.

Then it occurred to me. There is a reason I am still here. I do deserve a little bit of that happiness I have craved for so long and Have a lot to offer so many others I decided to reach out and share and try to help others who are also still struggling with some of the same stuff (after all, I was fortunate to have others do the same for me here) I will never be able to afford or go back to school to be a counselor,,, but here I can give what I have to give for free... compassion and support.

PS. I would also feel like you. When I also tried shutting down and simply going through the motions like my hubby did , I had absolutely nothing to look forward to and dreaded each new day. That is when I began to take care of myself (Toys would help me to fill a void... as well as some validation and support from the endless chatting I began) Isolation and only negative words and thoughts from him are your worst nightmare. Keep on reaching out to others. :)

There are also a couple of groups on here that some of us go to as well to vent, find a little humor and a game or two to keep us entertained when bored or depressed. Sex On The Brain.... and Club Funny Bone. Anyone is welcome. :)

Thank you, thank you thank you. I am glad to have found this site and others who have gone through this. It helps me put things in perspective and see that although this is painful, it is survivable. I do isolate myself because the neglect and harsh words make me feel so bad about who I am and worry how others might see me. I get so anxious when I have to do volunteering or teacher meetings at the school. I know it's probably not true but I assume others will see me as the mess, the failure he keeps telling me I am and making me feel I am. My best friend is very very far away but we talk daily. However I have no friends or family near and just no courage to go out and make new friends. I am someone who is usually pretty transparent and I find it hard to hide my depression and insecurities. Due to this relationship and a previous abusive marriage I find it extremely difficult to put myself out there. I just don't trust most people. I know surrounding yourself with positive upbeat people who accept you for you is a good thing to do but I am only able to do that here not in my non computer life. I have a really nice counselor who assures me I am a good person and a good mother but I've still not quite gotten to the point where I believe that all the time. I could be on top of the world and actually feel good about myself, feel accomplished and one sentence from him and I am back to loathing or doubting myself. For an example, I am an ok cook. I was trying to take better care of myself and my family and I cooked a really healthy organic meal that everyone liked. I felt happy and good about myself. I told my husband's mother about cooking the new recipe and the fact that it was healthy and my son actually had two helpings. My husband spoke to me shortly after I talked to her and said "why are you bragging about feeding our son an organic healthy meal, it's not like you do it all the time" I just started melting into a puddle of anxiety and depression right then and there. I had been proud of something I did that was all. I didn't think I was being boastful. I need to do things and be proud of myself to keep going in life. Was that boastful? The man drains almost all of the happiness out of my life. At times I feel powerless to put it back.

Welcome Bkind! I wasn't going to respond because Veggiequeen said a lot. But after reading your last post, I feel I must. Your name says a lot about you. You don't say negative things about people and stay away from confrontation. You seem to be a very gentle woman. But in my opinion, your husband is taking advantage of your gentle demeanor and is abusing you emotionally and verbally!! You sound like a loving and caring person, but I feel you are shy and soft spoken and a bit timid to speak your mind! You were so excited about the healthy meal that your son enjoyed and your husband belittled you and he feels you need the counseling and not him. He is not acting like a loving and caring husband.
The next time you go for counseling, you need to bring this up if you haven't already!! You are a human being who should be treated with respect and love and personally, I don't see it coming from your husband!! Your happiness is important and if it means taking your son and moving on, then so be it!!
I know this may sound harsh and will be a very difficult thing to do, but I feel it is something to discuss with your counselor!
I hope I haven't sounded harsh, but I feel that good and loving people should be treated with the repect they deserve. Please think about what I said.
I wish you a lot of luck and pray that things will improve for you!
Take care of yourself and your son!!

Forgive me for saying so... but your hubby sounds like an inconsiderate ass. Emptyshell is right . Plus bare in mind -- the fact that he TOOK YOU ASIDE to make that comment was to make sure to put in his little dig to knock you down a peg (and try to build himself up by doing that) but NOT in front of his mother where she probably would have told him just what she thought of his two cents should tell you something too.

That is a good thing to do.. to try to cook healthier-- whether it is organic or low fat with more veggies . You can try to come up with healthier snacks for you and maybe he (your son) may be drawn to them as well. Next time he makes a comment like that tell him you are proud of the fact that you took that first step and it went well... and you plan on doing more.

PLEASE try to do as a therapist would tell me a long time ago.... When you hear digs, criticisms and nasty words --- stop and consider where and who they are coming from. All my hateful loathing remarks that come back and cripple me are from an angry hateful dysfunctional kid brother who wanted me to feel the pain he felt as we grew up with an alcoholic dad when mom was suddenly gone. Ironically I would sacrifice 20 years of my life to try to care for and help these two who actually did more damage to me.

You and I and so many women are brought up to be caring and helpful and want to do for others. Sadly it often comes at our own expense. You continue to stay and care for and do for your husband even though he does nothing for you. Mine would also ignore, discount and occasionally ridicule me. He said he was only joking if I called him on it. (but to me it still felt like more) After I initially started the divorce, he would often tell me he loved me (but I'm sorry actions speak louder than words) Treatment says just what they think of us.

The fact that he tells you that you need the counseling not him is another ploy to blame you for all problems. You are willing to work on things and you recognize there is something wrong. Many times they will resort to this to silence us . it is to take the focus off them and their role they play in the chaos. Mine used to do the same thing, When I tried endlessly and calmly not to blame or accuse him... but just explain how I felt he would flip things to say I was blaming him. Toward the end I did not fall for it. I continued and said what I needed to... to at least allow myself to speak and give me back my voice. (Doubt that he actually cared or heard me... but for me helped to let go of some of the anger and resentment-- which I think may have been with myself for not thinking enough of myself for so long and allowing him to continue to treat me so badly)

And you should know that here in the real world I am not doing so great with good positive friends or family. My family has completely forgotten about me and I tried to reach out to my nephews wife and the kids, but she didn't return last 2 calls. My BIL is the one who calls when he has plans to come do more work here for me so I can eventually move. I have a friend or two but they don't understand as they have not been through this. Another friend I grew very close to was a coworker. I actually convinced her to come here on DS because she also struggled because of a dysfunctional family and ptsd. I explained there are so many groups for so many things and that they helped me so much. I had little knowledge of ptsd so it was good for her to hear from others who understood. We were very close . She now works in a different dept and there are others who have their own little click. They sit together , yack on breaks together and I now feel isolated and no longer even bother to talk since it is clear it no longer matters. That is like a small knife twisting in my heart. So that is why I spend so much time here... because even though many are so far away... their support and compassion is with me often. I draw from that.

Where are you btw? I am in PA, Hamburg.

Emptyshell, thank you for being willing to chime in. I am truly grateful for any advice and support I can get. VeggieQueen, you rock! Although I am struggling a little today, I don't feel so alone. Emptyshell, I do realize that I would be better off without my husband but I am so reluctant to divorce because I have gone through it before and it nearly broke me. Plus I have children from my previous marriage and my ex has made the shared custody so difficult at times I wanted to die. My ex got away without paying child support, with not returning the kids when he was supposed to and has filled their heads with lies about me. He abused me and my kids but now is in a better situation than I. He has a lot more money and a nicer home on acreage and this fall my eldest two went to go live with him. I have yet to recover. I still see them on holidays and weekends but it is not the same and they have changed so much that I hardly recognize them. My daughter talks down to me and only seems to get in touch with me when daddy tells her no or won't buy her something she wants and my son is getting into drugs and hanging with the wrong types of kids. I think he knows how much I worry about him and that I am disappointed because he won't look me I the eye when he sees me and pretty much avoids me during visits. So sorry for the long story but I don't want a divorce because my youngest son is my sunshine, my reason for breathing, he makes me laugh every day and he gives me a ton of hugs and kisses too. I don't want to be away from him for days at a time, I couldn't bear it! It is a difficult situation because I know he deserves to have two happy parents and not two who can barely be in the same room with one another. I do my best to keep it pleasant for my son but there are times when the fighter in me comes out and I do stand up against my husband. There have been some days where I get put down multiple times and I can't help myself but I do scream, I don't deserve to be treated this way. I tell him I don't speak to you that way and I expect the same from you. Not much happens. He'll either go outside, leave the house or he will talk about things that happened years ago and how that justifies how he treats me. I believe we should address wrongs we did in the past but we apologize and move on. I feel like he wants to keep me trapped in all my mistakes, Like I'll never pay enough for any hurt I caused him and then it's ok for him to be cold and at times cruel. I was actually terrified to leave my first husband but I realized that I could end up dead and then how would I protect my kids. It took a lot to leave that relationship and my current husband actually told me once that I let my kids down and they should never have been forced to continue to see their dad. He said I let them down and didn't fight hard enough to protect them. My kids wanted to continue a relationship with their dad and his physical violence had stopped. What my husband said was so hurtful and insulting. I think we both have said things to each other that are just unforgiveable.

A lot of wisdom in this thread. Thank you all for being so open and honest.

It just breaks my heart to hear what your ex has done to the kids.

People do not realize that actions and words can hurt just as much as Physical abuse. The emotional abuse you put up with I am sure did break you. However he did manage to get the kids from you (I had a friend who actually left their home and her hubby took custody of their girls and made things so difficult for her for a long time. She did not know at the time that if she left their home that virtually landed things in his court... and he did run with it. One thing he did not do was keep them from her or bad mouth her too much. I am thinking this may also have happened to you?)

The fact that you got away safely and knew they were in no physical harm is a plus. Unfortunately them seeing just how he has treated you has installed the idea that it is ok for them to do the same. It is too bad that they cannot get into some sort of counseling to help guide them better... but I realize with him around them that will be hard. If they would actually ever come to see there is a problem, maybe if you just mention them trying a group with other kids going through the same issues... or searching online for a support group for teens to vent and chat with others.... Who knows, maybe down the line if they see you growing stronger and beginning to stand up for yourself--- they may want to learn how you have done that and actually listen to what you suggest? Never say never... and all you can do is tell them you love them and wish things were different. If you regret losing them … let them know that as well as that you want to do whatever you could to try to help them.

The damage is done . I am a firm believer that all happens for a reason. With all I have been through, if I look back, I do come across a reason and a lesson that I would learn from each and every thing and person I have come across. I often question my faith and what God had in store with such a cruel lesson... but it all did bring me here to this point and time. For me to have such a concern and desire to reach out to others who would also feel so very bad , empty and forgotten as I did.... and feeling a little better if I can share something to help ease their pain and give them strength and courage and help them to realize that we ALL are special and deserve to be loved, appreciated and happy...

Your current husband is using you as his excuse for his unhappiness and shortcomings (as most who chose not to do the work to even try to change usually do ) He knows you all too well and knows just what buttons to push to hurt you even more and keep you just where he wants you.... doing for and taking care of not just your son, but HIM as well. Mine would do the same. By their belittling us, they know they can keep us afraid and ashamed believing there is nothing or noone out there who would ever want us. Unfortunately, he is just liable to try to do the same as your ex did to punish you by trying to do the split custody.

I would say stay put and begin to develop a thicker shell. As he continues to try to hurt you with the endless digs... take them at face value... is it an actual truth? Or his warped version??? Realize that you are allowed to have feelings , needs and try to concentrate on you and your son... Doing what you want and need for you both. Show him that his Mom does love him so much and if his dad choses to behave poorly, he will see eventually that is his problem.. and it is important that he knows that it is not his fault or his failure of he can't make things good for mommy and daddy. Kids do often feel they failed as well

I have been fortunate to have crossed paths with you and several others . I believe this is again happening to you to maybe finally bring you to that point you need to finally begin to see you are a good , caring , loving person who needs to grab hold to that glimmer of courage and hope and HOLD ON TIGHT! (Until it is second nature and you finally believe it) And you are helping me as I have again been questioning my own value and worth. As I say this all to you , it is trying to sink in to my own thick skull. lol When we suffer from verbal and emotional abuse (not to mention the physical you endured) the spiteful , hateful words beat us over the head far too often.
I send love and hugs and know that strength and courage will be coming very soon. :)

Veggiequeen, you are amazing. You words have touched me so much. It's so nice to feel understood. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned shame. Both of my husbands have been very successful at tuning into the fact that I feel ashamed of myself at times and that it can make me hide away and back off from standing up for myself. Whenever I would stand up to my first husband he would threaten to tell others things about me that I wouldn't want shared. He tried this tactic when I finally filed for divorce. He said he had videos of me and emails too and that if I didn't divorce him it would all go away. It was such a horrible experience. I know this is another topic completely but this man raped me throughout our marriage and during separation, he stole money and family heirlooms from me and now he's raising my eldest kids. I am a very emotional person and am not always put together. He has money, a good job and a new successful marriage. People look at him and think he is a good man, a good father. He was a monster to me and my kids and this knowledge keeps me from growing and moving forward. It's not fair that I am stuck with this baggage and am broken while he gets the good, well-organized life. I need to get past this to live and breathe and be happy but I just can't. I feel like a little whiney child, it's not fair, it's not fair, but I can't help myself because it's not. When my current husband and I were dating he helped lift me up. He seemed to believe in me and made me feel like I could do anything. We had an unplanned pregnancy which put a lot of things into motion that we needed more time for. I was still recovering from my divorce and trying to deal with my ex who was still being an ass whenever he could and my husband was going through his own turmoil. He has said I wasn't the person he needed me to be then and since I wasn't there for him it appears he gave up on me. Is that what love is? I know unconditional love is probably a myth but don't people who love each other forgive and keep trying. My husband just gave up on me and now it feels like he detests me. I moved on from one trauma of a husband who took me whenever he wanted me to one that won't even sleep in the same room as me. UG sorry, this is a lot of venting. Thank you everyone for all of your advice and kind words. It's really been helpful. I am so glad I found you all

That is what love is supposed to be. For those of us who have never truly felt the love or nurturing....we become far more sensitive....which is not always a good thing. But then again....it does sometimes make us far more compassionate and loving toward others by wanting to spare them the same pain. I think that has given me the ability to give unconditional love. Sadly, not all do that....There are often conditions or terms.

Hugs,
Just chatty old me again. Lol .

PS Bare in mind that even though his new life may appear perfect....that is seldom the case. It is so common for dysfunctional to hide the problems of so well.

Just checking in and thinking of you. Hoping you are doing ok and knowing we all here are with you in spirit. (And each time hubby may try to make a hurtful remark you hang tight and DO NOT let his words paralyze you. ) Remember what your therapist and us here do tell you... you are a warm, caring loving person who is doing your best for you and your son. (To me you seem the type who would do anything for anyone who asked --especially a friend.... your name says it all.) You SHOULD be proud of yourself after all you have already endured and are still plugging along . As you just let any nasty spiteful words roll off of you (Not making you again feel invisible... and not allowing him to get you upset enough that you need to scream to feel heard... just ignore him as he does you. ) I would lay odds this will drive him crazy after a short time. I think some times they get their jollies by knocking us down and trying to feel more important themselves. Thing is, if he can no longer do that, he will be at a loss. Won't know what to think.

I am hoping you and the little guy have some time to maybe do something special. How old is he?
I am crossing my fingers and sending some prayers that you are having some good days finally. Love and hugs,
Kim

Thank you again for knowing just the right thing to say. I had been doing pretty good and actually have been avoiding him for the most part. But today I am ashamed to say I acted very foolishly. I hate when I do that. It makes me feel weak and like a bad person. I am sure this will disappoint you all but I feel the need to be honest, I have so much resentment towards him that I don't always apologize for my behavior, in fact rarely. This makes me feel awful about myself as well. I want to behave like a loving adult. I Just lose control and I hate it. It was the dumbest thing that set me off tonight. I didn't want to cook what we had available at the house to eat, it wasn't much, so I was going to order Chinese.(Since the sex stopped I have been self-medicating with food). My husband said you don't need to order out we have plenty of food here and it's not in your best economic interest or that of your children's for you to keep ordering food. I admit I order out 2-3 nights a week. I also admit that we don't have a lot of money but what got me is that the man has contributed very little towards food for the family and 0 towards household bills in the past 5 years and I just don't feel it's his place to say anything. I said " I didn't realize we were concerned with economics in this household" That sent him outside to go have a smoke. I know I shouldn't have said anything especially because it's not going to change anything. But this man acts like I am supposed to just keep trucking along, basically alone with no emotional, physical or financial support. He and his mother say I have emotional issues. Wouldn't most people in my situation occasionally get upset. Yet again I question why I am still married when I have no benefit from it. Then I see my little angel boy smile and hear him he loves me always and that he wants to keep me. He is my cup of sunshine and I love being with him so much. How could I survive joint custody?
I have given up hope that this man will ever change but yet I don't leave. I feel like such a coward.

I say kudos for that remark. While he may have a point about trying to save some money and order a little less... he really has nothing to say as you are footing the bill and stuck doing all the cooking. In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with tossing a reminder that he is neither helping pay or helping you prep a dinner.

When I am overwhelmed from long hard days at work, I do sometimes grab something from the store so I don't have to bother to cook something. (I try now to have some quick things in the freezer for that very reason.. I don't wanna cook... chicken nuggets and mac and cheese might work for you and munchkin. I usually throw a baked potato in the microwave. )

I am wondering if his mom lives with you guys too? Or is she just there to put in her 2 cents? If you look close, you may see why they are the away they are... That helped me to better understand some of what I had to deal with... would come to see that my Dad and brother were both also brought up feeling insecure and unloved. Once he got the drinking under control, I realize that he always did the best he knew how. They can't do what they never learned . And that was the case with my hubby. His dad was not a very good one at all. In Dave's mind... as long as he came home at night , did not cheat and said he loved me... that was all he had to do to be a good husband. (Sadly, empty words and no affection or help would not prove a thing. )

For now, you are doing what you feel you need to do. You are allowed to say what you feel. about wishing you had a little help (financially as well as around the house) Just keep on doing your counseling... coming here for support... looking in the mirror and reminding yourself what we all are trying to tell you. Enjoy your time with your little guy and try to tune a deaf ear yo his remarks... unless he ever comes up with a good one. lol AS far as his treatment of you and your son.... maybe start to be a bit more conscious of how he is with you guys... If there are remarks and intent to emotionally go after you... start to jot them down... to show to your therapist as well as for future reference if it does come down to actually trying a separation or divorce. If they see it down on paper records of verbal abuse or neglect... this will help you in the long run. Be prepared though --- if he does not work at all or makes less than you, they can try to come after you for support (though I can't see how) When I restarted the divorce with this last attorney (was a guy too) he asked if I made more than he did on disability ? It was very close. He said I may have to worry about him coming after me for support.( But we never did reach that point because I again paused when he had more issues. ) But that pissed me off to no end. That is why I say start to watch and possibly write things down.

You have had people beating you down your entire life. Physical and emotional abuse … and that takes a toll. You made a comment once about not hiding your feelings or depression. Sadly that is what our family and friends are aware of. My entire life they have known that fear and guilt will stop me dead in my tracks... and both husbands would quickly learn that of you too. We both need to continue to see that we are allowed to want and expect more. And you should not have to put up with that behavior.

YOU ARE NOT A COWARD... you just need more time and help to find and feed that strength and courage. You WERE a victim, but you can find your strength . BOTH YOU AND I NEED TO. We can work on it together. Hang in there.
Love and hugs, Kim