Today has been one of those lazy days with little to do and lots of time to think. For some reason my thoughts turned to sex or more to the point a total celibate life that no matter how long it's been doesn't diminish. Now April and I have never had a hot and steamy sex life. Before she was diagnosed with Cancer we had already had intimacy problems but we did have some semblance of a sex life. We tried for years to get pregnant with no luck. This did take its toll and drove a bigger and bigger wedge in our sex life. Also, I am much more comfortable with sex whereas April was never like that. I tried to be sensitive to her situation hoping that time and experience would loosen up her hang-ups over sex. Time passes and I am the understanding guy who won't push or pressure her to have sex. I don't complain but even if I wanted to talk it through she would become uncomfortable and soon the subject would change. We would try spice things up but I could always tell she was either uncomfortable or just going through the motions for my benefit. We would plan nights when we were going to"play". We would talk and say we were going to play but when the night came she would be tired have a headache or one of a hundred excuses to postpone intimacy. Most of the time it was April pulling the plug but I will admit sometimes I would be hurting or something and I would ask to postpone. I was always the one to initiate any kind of physical intimacy never her not once. If I wanted to be touched or anything past the very basic vanilla sex I would have to request it. Now I am not talking way out there kinky freaky stuff. I was talking about her just touching me or a massage things like that. I tried to talk to her to reassure her I was physically and sexually attracted to her. When I would ask if she was attracted to she would say yes but it never seemed to be so. Frankly, I even asked if she liked sex or if I was just a horrible lover. Again and again, she would assure me she did and I wasn't the problem. Trying to be magnanimous I even gave me permission to allow her to explore her desires with others especially her curiosity with other women but apart from one night with a group of girlfriends( I did get to watch