For me I have been very vocal (yeah, whiny too) about being SOOO long without "getting any". I have resorted to toys and between me and them I get by but not so happily. Even though my stbx has shut down physically and emotionally almost 11 years ago, I still could not cheat on him. Almost 2 years ago I did start speaking up.... telling him I wasn't happy and why. Finally asked for... then eventually filed for divorce To me, that was my "permission " to move on to my new start .

After isolating myself and being lonely for so many years.... I now have this desire and need to reach out , share and connect with people. That being said... I tend to be too trusting and did get attached to several men from here. (Everything happens for a reason.... these were the lessons I was intended to get on those who come on too hard , too fast... they do have the ulterior motives and are the scammers)

I have recently been reminded of another lesson... a few want to reach out and hear all about my thoughts, hopes, likes, turn ons... (As you can see, I am way too chatty and just want to share what is on my mind ... and hear what is on his mind) I did forget...that too sends them screaming from the room.

For me it is a sticky situation. I have only been with 2 others before stbx.... both fwb (primarily theirs) I have always felt like a warm body for them til something better came along. I don't want to feel "not good enough" anymore (and I realize I want need and deserve more now) I also now understand that sex is a mutual pleasure that two people can share without a commitment. For me though, I need to be with someone caring, affectionate and passionate who wants to be and share that with ME not just another body (they would much sooner chose a perky, sexy little size 6 than me..... their loss. lol)


I confess... I did get my pleasures from flirting, sharing fantasies..(love to write and have a very vivid imagination), likes and dislikes (and maybe a naughty pic or two....) with others. When you are feeling unattractive, unwanted and unloved.... this did wonders for my self esteem (and did help some libidos) You remember that song..... "You don't always get what you want...... You get what you need!" That did help me survive.... until now.

For me, and only for me, I had to learn to be the Master of my passion. I can't let it drive me, I have to control it. My work allows me some freedom and it is difficult to stay focused. Combine that with what is now infrequent, but intense frustration, and it can lead to being unproductive. I find other outlets for the sex. It just is not healthy, mentally or physically to focus on what you are not getting. Exercise is really good. If you are like me, all in, you can get yourself into really good shape. That has a lot of obvious advantages. I got some counseling years ago for other things and the Counselor gave me a lot of good skills. I can see (sometimes) things coming a little better; things that will inevitably ruin my day or parts of it. I can get out of the way.

I also started dancing. I know it sounds a little hokey, but I always had two left feet and felt left out. Feeling left out is just perfect for someone who has self-doubt. I just decided to take some classes. I found a good instructor that could teach ME. He might not appeal to everyone, but I understand what he is saying. Turns out, I have some skill. And you know what, ladies love it. My dance card is full whenever I go out.

Improve yourself to be a better person, not to gain anything or get even. That never works. The rewards will be far more appealing.

For ne it’s been mostly porn and the occasional flirting. But never ventured beyond that..

I also turn to porn and masterbate quite a lot. It's Sri hard because even though he knows im missing sex i feel so guilty about it. I take naps on the weekend so i can watch a video and get off because i can't do it at night with him in the bed. My job involves some travel and when I'm in the hotel i watch and play a few times a night! Some people just have a big libido and there's nothing wrong with that. Full disclosure, i have cheated and it made me feel awful! However, i still think about it constantly... just the thought of having a real life man touching me and making love to me is hard to not want! I struggle with this almost daily because there are men i could cheat with and it's like not having oxygen when you could just take a breathyou know? Bottom line i guess, self control is tough but better than the guilt.

My stbx did like most do.... turned it around on me. I would go off to "play" (not wanting to make him feel bad) having little privacy as he did walk in several times. I would get a roll of the eyes and "Oh , God, not again?" making me feel like a sex fiend. (The thing is I rarely do anything as i know this will happen) I am to the point now where I chase him the hell out or tell him what I am up to so I can have some peace. I still get the look, but my guilt (about that anyway)is diminishing.

@Tippy-- I hear you about that insatiable ache that we can't seem to fill. It sucks big time. There are other sites on here Erotica, fantasyland ... where some of us fantasize and try to remember or imagine what we would love to experience. I enjoy writing them , but can't even imagine myself in them anymore. (I have a tiny little glimmer of hope that is almost out that i hang on to.)