First of all say, if you must, that you will never be kissed ect by HIM. That's sad and will ultimately be his loss. It doesn't have to be yours. I've spent the last three years healing my low self esteem. By teaching myself to care for me. Going for walks and nature hikes, eating well and exercising, basically living a wholesome life. I think I had developed codependent behaviors that kept me from being happy if she wasn't. Or to put it another way, I was crazy. Never let another's mental state dictate your own. I know that it's a slippery slope and you don't know it's happening. Kinda creeps up on you.
Take your life back. Stop focusing on a relationship that's dragging you down and start focusing on your own wellbeing. When I began doing this my life really changed. I meet people that I like, I do things that make me feel good about myself. And the unexpected perk is that, apparently, I've become attractive to women because I get a fair bit of attention. For a long time I didn't feel that was possible.
Just because you're not ready for divorce doesn't mean that you can't get yourself together and feel that you will be ok if the time comes.
Good luck. I joined this group a few years ago when I was right where you are. Since then we've been living apart for over a year and I'm getting the forms together for a divorce. It's been very gentile, thankfully, as we're close friends and have learned to communicate better than ever. Funny how that is... I think a big part of this is that we never really had our own lives. Everything was tangled together and was kinda claustrophobic. We learned more about what a healthy relationship is the last year apart than we did in decades of marriage. Go figure.

I'm sorry, I'm right there with you. 12 years of marriage and I bet this has been a struggle for at least 10. Each year is worse and I've been in therapy trying to better my mind so I can be clear on what I should do. Some of it is an OCD fixation on the thing we can't have, sex, intimacies, touch, love. But some is mix matched libidos, Im HL she is LL. The main thing is I think there is a shit ton of regret on both sides. She regrets me always asking and acts like I'm a predator when I ask or says she'll try and I regret th e fact she never does, Why should she, she's content with the way it is, it's her power over me. I'm still luckier than most, I might have sex with her every 60-80 days, but it's only after I fall apart and I think she feels guilty and gives in. She masturbates (M) but never saves that desire for me, I M because I have to to keep my sanity. I hate to admit it but I look at porn because I forget what a vagina looks like. Then I'll hold off M for 2-3 days thinking it might happen, then when it does not my expectations are crushed and I'm sad and resentful. I don't cheat and I'm sure she does not either, but I can tell you I love looking at women, everyone has something sexy about her. I see a sexy stranger and I sometimes think I have just as good a chance to sleep with that stranger as I do my wife. How fucking sad is that. I can't even talk sexy to my wife. She used to be the High Libido and I was more timid. As we were getting married things changed, I feel like I was duped into thinking she would have desire for me our whole marriage. I could have sex easy twice a week, she is like 1 every 3 mo, but I am only asking for like once every 15-20 days, she won't compromise and that pisses me off too. She used to be more kinky, now I am. Once in 10 years she's let me go down on her, I would do it all the time if I could. Last BJ was like 15 years. Sex is almost always missionary, with her getting off first with vibrator, then I have 10 min to finish as she says otherwise I take too long and she is sore. I can live with the last part if the frequency was every two weeks, but the thought of never having any fantasies ever entertained for the rest of my life is so fucking depressing. I don't know why I am here, maybe to just finally say it out loud somewhere besides a therapist. To let others know I appreciate their story and it helps me know I am not alone and women in their 40's do actually enjoy sex and intimacy. I got 2 kids and I want to try and do things right by them, but am I a worse father if I am always depressed. The hard part is 80% of our lives is good, if this was a business relationship, you'd never leave. I fear the losing of the day to day with the kids, or the financial security or the shame of broken marriage.

I'm going to keep working on ME, once I feel I'm stabile and I made the best ME I can then she can decide if I'm good enough for her. If I am not, then I know I did everything I could and YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE and they should not be responsible for your happiness. If they don't get inspired to change when you are doing it and they won't take the "talks" seriously then I'll have no choice but to leave.

Yes Joy, I do feel ashamed. I feel ugly, worthless, and that I too have been held for the last time. I look outside every morning and envy the birds who belong to the world. They can just fly away so easily and look for a new environment. I miss the tough of a woman so much. Maybe my wife it too beautiful for me. Maybe she has someone else...I don't know. I just want the pain from the rejection to stop. I'd hate to leave. I would feel as if I am putting myself ahead of my boys. Good luck Joy. You are not alone.

It’s really good to know I’m not alone… I’m sorry that you and everyone else is struggling, but it doesn’t make me feel as crappy and alone…

I feel triggered when he rejects me. Abandonement issues the lot. I dont deserve love, Im unlovable, fat, needy and unattractive.

In everyday life, I know this is untrue. Im confident, successfull and admired.

This one part of my life, brings me to my knees in the dark shame of my own bedroom where no one knows. Except all of you now.

I appreciate your vulnerability.