Many of you probably do know my story as I have shared endlessly.  (There are times I  do think maybe my late hubby was right-- I should have gotten that duck tape he kept threatening with to shut me up)  The thing was-- for me after being taught to be quiet, polite, always do as I am told , I learned and became a very lonely introvert.  Growing up in a dysfunctional family, if a problem arose, I did as they did-- either pretend things were fine (and ignore it) or if I had a problem  to try to fix it myself. 

Throughout my life, different circumstances did arise and I would wind up in counseling or therapy a couple of times. As rough of a time it was before I got there.. I would be fortunate to come across some compassionate people who really did help me.  The more I learned, the more I wanted to reach out and break free of the chains that had kept me isolated, alone and afraid.  And that is what I did.  

With my late husband, something happened and 5 years into our mariage he just shut down-- both  emotionally and physically. From then on, there was very little communication, no affection or any physical touch. I was ridiculed and discounted most of the time and got absolutely no help of any kind with anything around the house (even though he was there 24/7. I would work 40 hrs and come home to care for him and the house) 

Then one day I was on a gamesite he suggested. We both played each other as well as others who challenged us. Yahtzee. I noticed a message and never really chatted with anyone before , but decided to open it.  Was an innocent... "Hi." We spoke and I told my hubby that a younger Englishman wanted to chat with ME. (I was hoping he would say he rather  I didn't... or maybe be a teeny bit jealous.. Instead he just laughed. I was so hurt . To me I felt like it was such a joke that anyone could even want to talk to me.)

Since I figured he could care less , SM and I started to chat. We exchanged pix (G rated, at first)  I would be greeted every morning by a "Good morning gorgeous"  and before he went to bed I would hear a "Night, night sweet cheeks."  I told him from the beginning I was still married , but very unhappily. It was so nice to have someone who wanted to hear what I had to say... and willing to open up to me as well. We joked and flirted and I was the one who actually pushed the envelope and said something a bit naughty, but quickly apologized. Being a guy, he laughed and added..." That's ok babe. I kinda like it."

I am ashamed to say, I did cross the line and we were chatting about everything... including sex and what we both wanted, liked and missed.  I would share when things came up between Dave and me and he told me he could not understand how or why he (my husband) would react or treat me like that if he did truly love me. SM would be the one to encourage me when I was feeling unloved, unwanted or bad about myself. He was the one supporting me through bad times... pointing out my good qualities (when all I could focus on was the fact my own hubby did not even want to touch me.  That coupled with the fact that I did suffer verbal and emotional abuse when I was younger from an angry addicted kid brother who I spent 20 years of my life trying to care for-- along with an alcoholic father ... this does take a toll. )  Til all was said and done, SM would be the first (and probably only person) to accept me just as I am--- good , bad and naughty. ( Actually , you all have him to thank for creating the naughty outspoken perve who is always here today. haha)

After opening up with him, I did realize that while he was there to listen, I felt like I needed to find others going through some of  same things as me.  That is how I wound up here on Daily Strength. I was opening up to others here as well. 

I went from having nothing to look forward to and dreading each day to actually looking forward to checking in here. By this time hubby noticed that I was always typing away. He asked why I was chatting with all these people far away when he was right here? (He thought I was spending all my time still chatting just with SM) I would try to talk to him but he quickly turned things around to monopolize the conversation and stop me from ever actually saying how I was feeling. He actually told me he wanted me to stop. But I did stand firm and explain that with him I had to guard my words (to avoid another argument) I finally  found somewhere and some others where I could open up to and that it was helping me. I was not going to give that up. 

I realize it should not matter what other people think, but for some reason it still does me a little. I did actually file and serve divorce papers over a year and a half before he died, but I would continue to put it on pause   for various reasons.  (I came to believe he was almost intentionally getting himself upset or having another issue to keep me here with him.)  The week he passed , I was again going to put down the retainer and start things up... but I continued to wait.  In hindsight, I am glad I did and that he was not alone at the end . While 12 of our 17 years were not so good, we did share some good times.

I would later learn of emotional cheating... and sadly , I believe that is what I did.  But I never did physically.  I doubt there is much difference.  Considering all that I went through as well as learned of what others did to cope as well-- I now realize wrong and right is not set in stone. There is alot of gray area and reasons we do what we do. 

Like I said, we get what we need-- is just too bad it cannot always be from our spouses (or SOs)