I have been married 15 years (the last 10 plus with no affection or any physical touch...except an occasional peck here or there.) After awhile, I tried to follow his lead and completely shut down both physically and emotionally. It was no way to live....I had absolutely nothing to look forward to and dreaded each new day.

My story is way too long and I am way too chatty, but i will say we have ALOT similar with our circumstances.. My stbx is now on Disability. he is home 24/7 and also just eats, sleeps, reads, is on the computer and is hooked on talk radio. (Is funny he can talk and share so much with those on the radio, but refuses to hear me) I work full time then come home and am expected to do all around the house as well.

There is a difference with us. We have no children. (I did want them , but it wasn't meant to be. Now, I realize that may just be a good thing.) I was following all the women in my dysfunctional family. They were all taught to be kind , loving and giving ......problem is we all seemed to marry men who don't really give the love , support and help back to us. And we did say for better or worse, so felt it was or duty to settle for crumbs.

i am finally finding courage (amidst occasional guilt for finally being a bit selfish and wanting more) to begin divorce proceedings. He is fighting it (because he is perfectly content ...all his needs are being met. he has a roommate, cook, maid and nurse. and I have a ton of responsibility and nothing more). I am so tired and I want so badly for someone to want to be with me. The fact that i have gone without for so long, i now often have sex on the brain.

You mentioned staying and what it could do to your kids? You could teach them as I was taught.....that as a woman.....marriage is forever and we have to settle for what crumbs are thrown our way. If you have boys, they could believe that it is ok to just do like their Dad and completely disregard their future wives and do as they please with no thoughts of her..

the fact that he actually told you it was ok to turn to another man for what he is too lazy or selfish to share with you is nuts. Mine laughed when I joked with him that a young Englishman wanted to chat with me. (I was hoping he would be a bit jealous or ask me not to, but it was as though he thought no one would want to bother with me) So Innocently answered a chat hello on a gamesite. He and I still chat over a year later. from him I have found confidence, encouragement, support. I feel attractive, smart, sexy and wanted again. After awhile, stbx noticed the difference and asked me to stop chatting with him . He couldn't understand why I can talk to a stranger but not him who is right here. I explained that with him I had to weigh my words and watch what I say . Often he gets annoyed and refuses to listen, other times he also tries to turn it back on me.

Forgive me, I am way too chatty. Just want to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you. You deserve to have someone who will love and care for and about you and your kids. (I do understand the fear of growing more despondent. I can feel the anger and resentment building between both of us telling me even more...it is time to pull the plug.)
Good luck.

PS. I have a friend whos hubby did taper off and lose interest as well. She did push him and he also had low testosterone levels. For them, it was a matter of him taking a supplement I believe and that did bring back his libido. Actually, she said now he is on bp meds that are throwing a wrench in things.....but now it is a matter of counting on a little blue pill. (We used to use Cialis since it did have a bit wider window......but that was 85 yrs ago. !) For them that is working.

Truthfully, if THEY are truly willing to listen it does make us feel like they still do care and want to at least TRY to make us happy. Although I am guessing you are where I am now. Even if now, miraculously my stbx would have a change of heart and want to attempt to reconnect, it is too little too late. After being neglected, discounted and left to do everything basically all on my own there is nothing much left but resentment. The fact that he has growing health issues (also overweight, diabetic, circulation issues but he still continues to smoke and often eat crap that is not good for him) but doesn't seem to care enough to work on....even when I tried for both of us to be healthier, doesn't exactly make him any more appealing in my eyes. (instead sadder and more toxic)

Wow! Everything I am reading seems to be déjà vu.
Seriously think about it. If you were to take everybody's posts and mould them together, and then just chip away at the loose insignificant little pieces, you'll probably find over 90% of people in this situation, are suffering the same emotions. Most of the time there's nothing that any of us can tell the other that we haven't already been through or going through. It makes me question as to whether we have some kind of an epidemic going on that we are unaware of. I think we are all aware that in the most severe cases, these kind of relationships can lead to alcohol abuse, drug use, violent abuse and..... The list goes on.
If you linked all the crimes to the individuals, and then look at the personal circumstances , I think you would find a lot of unhappy husbands and wives in that circle. In the meantime all we can do is try to find comfort in comforting those around us, and share with them. Waiting in anticipation until such time that somebody realises that this is worse than a disease and does something about it!
However one confused person to another.
If I was to offer any advice, it would be the one that I am the most afraid of . Honesty! Honesty! Although I may not have been honest in all of my relationship there have been times when I have had to be diplomatic, rather than honest, only to avoid an argument or worse. An attack on my character, chipping away at yet another piece of whats left of my self esteem. In fact it is these arguments and situations that we sometimes put ourselves in, that reveal to our other halves how we are actually feeling.
Rather than wait for a situation or an argument, why not just sit down and explain to your other half how this is affecting you. And then once you've explained it to them, ask them to Google the effects of what this kind of marriage/relationship can do to person.
The reason I ask you too get them to google it, is because if your partner disregards everything you say like mine does, they won't put any reall importantance to it.
But! If they really care they just might do something, and if they don't!
Then its everyone themselves :(( Not somewhere I won't to GO.
Hope you find the strength :)

I had packed all my emotions and sadness away until my landscaper told me how beautiful I looked with my hair down last week. I told my husband how just that little compliment had made me smile. I have been dead inside for so long now that I had forgotten how nice it It was to have someone complement or even notice me.
If I had of known 28 years ago what I know now, I would have divorced my husband then. We dated a year before marriage and he was a normal sexually active man. As soon as we were married it just stopped. I had to beg and plead for any attention. I had 2 children within the first 2 years and I felt I had to try to make it work because of the kids. I have cried, pleaded, begged, changed my looks, tried every book on the subject, now my kids are grown and I wish I had of left a long time ago. My kids have told me that they have never seen me happy, laugh, enjoying things. The feeling of loneliness and rejection sucks all life out of you. You read that it is not our fault, that it is our partners problem but that is not true, It hurts us the most so it is our problem. I put up with it but still have a blow up every 6 months or so. I usually got pity sex during our yearly vacation, Christmas holiday, valentines and anniversary. But this year I didn't get any of them.
I have sent him to be tested by his doctor, they say everything is fine.
He says he does not know why he never wants sex. I tell him how bad it makes me feel, he is just emotionless. He does not even make an effort. This year is 28 years of this. Eventually you get tired of being rejected and just give up. I find myself thinking about how much I have given up by staying with him. I should have left him right away. I would tell anyone to leave them do not feel guilty, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE! I have now lost all confidence, joy, hope, will. He has taken it all away. He is in no way an evil person, no drinking, drugs, no abuse he just does not get why I am making a big deal about it and does not see it as a problem. He is a work-a-holic and a wonderful provider, just not when it comes to my emotional needs. I am now in a position where I can't afford to leave. I am seriously considering a surrogate partner to fulfill my emotional needs. I have told my husband I am thinking of cheating, he ignores me. He is my friend and room mate but I need more, I have told him I need more, NOTHING!
Sex and intimacy has no meaning or value for these people so they do not understand why we have such a hang up with it. They think there is something wrong with us for wanting it. They will not change. I have tried Church, counseling, Doctors, books, workbooks, everything for 28 years. he will give in and try for a few months, then go back to with holding it again. My advice is to LEAVE. These partners who have no desire for intimacy will not change, the only one who will change is you, and not for the better.

First of all break the tv. And ask him if he really wannts to throw away the chance of a more interesting life with you. And if you really can express it in a way that he Gets than his answer will speak volumes. Best luck, it aint easy!!

I wish I could tell you how to remain positive when your spouse refuses to have sex (or have any form of intimacy, for that matter) and worse, refuses to talk about about the lack of sex. I am in the middle of it. But I will offer two points that I have observed.

First, is something I learned in hindsight. The lack of sex in my marriage has been going on for years. I wished I had confronted the issue in the beginning.
It may have been painful for her to talk about it (whatever the it is), but at least the issue would be out in the open. As the years go by, she has become more accustomed to not addressing this issue. So now it is harder to have her discuss the issue. This point may not be of help if the lack of sex has been going on for a long time.

Second, is I am a pessimist by nature. That characteristic has been ingrained into me long before I met my wife. And shaped in part by my occupation. As a pessimist, the weight of dealing with lack of sex in my marriage is maybe worse than if I were an optimist. Again, if you are a pessimist, I am not sure what good it is to acknowledge that your pessimistic nature may be a factor as to why your current situation feels horrible. Likewise, I do not know if it is possible for a pessimist to become an optimist. Speaking only for myself, I know that is something I can not do. But, if you can (I do not know whether that is eve possible), that might help.

By helping,I do not mean it will resolve the underlying issue (lack of sex). It might, however, help you cope a little better. From what i have read so far (since I have only joined this group this week), every little bit of positiveness (in whatever way) helps for some. Maybe you are one of those folks.

Good luck in any event.

Thanks for reading my musings.