Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I am coming up on being 9 months sober. I enjoy helping people on this forum. One of the things that has helped me immensely about my program is the freedom to be honest. I can now be honest with my spouse. This isn't only important with the fun stuff, such as being a sponsor, or helping others, or making progress myself. No, this is also important when I struggle. I was struggling with masturbation. Not much, like when I was in addict phase, but just a bit. I just could not let go of the kite string, so to speak. So I told her about it. She is very self conscious about the way she looks, and suffers from depression too. She and I took a shower together this morning. It wasn't sexual, it was necessary. She's had medical problems with dizziness, hip surgeries within the last 6 months, and really did just need me there. I should not feel guilty about my naked wife, either in the shower, or lying in bed as I help her to get dressed in the morning, turning me on. So I am in the shower with my naked wife, and she causes me to have a massive erection that doesn't subside for awhile. She gets frustrated because she thinks I just want sex all the time. I really cannot bring myself to apologize for anything, because she's my wife. It's her job, it's what she does. She turns me on. When my wife is naked, I respond sexually to that because I am attracted to her. Do I really need to apologize for that??? That's not to say that I force sex on her. She feels that I am being hypersexual. Maybe a part of this is that I am not masturbating much at all anymore. Now, I only masturbate twice or so a week, and then only if she's physically incapable of having sex due to health issues, which she informs me about. I wish she would feel more pretty to herself. I wish she would understand that she turns me on. I wish she could accept that I want to have sex with her, because she's beautiful and I love her. Not because of porn, and not because of looking at someone else. In fact, when she was having surgeries and in the hospital, you know who I would close my eyes and fantasize about as I was masturbating and envisioning sexual scenarios? My wife. Honest to God. A part of me still wishes that I would not respond sexually to my wife being naked, or just simply lying there next to me. But I cannot help it. This is who I am. My sponsor once explained to me the difference between something that is acceptable sexually, vs something that is unacceptable. If I or my partner feel angry or guilty, shamed or embarrassed following something sexual that occurs with either of us, then we probably shouldn't have done that. If either of us engage in sex, masturbation, whatever, and both parties do not feel shame, embarrassment, guilt, or anger, then there is nothing wrong with that. I am not trying to justify my remaining masturbation that occurs when she is incapable of sex. I am just trying to understand myself better and hoping for insight from those of you who read this. Am I off base here?
I think stopping the masturbation altogether would be a good start. Because right now, even though you don't look at porn, your mind is still wired to think sexually. And, believe it or not, this effects everything you do. Actions that are made may subconsciously be derived from a sexual mindset. (i.e. How you look at someone, or how your motivations are geared)
Even though you don't actually look at pornography, the act of fantasizing has the same effect on the brain as pornography. Whether it be about your wife, something that has happened in the passed, or something that could be possible, those instances of fantasies are not real or present in the moments that you think them up and are constantly affecting your mindset.
Try to think of something you can do to strengthen your relationship with your wife every time an urg comes up. If you're laying in bed next to her cuddle with her. If you're both awake at home doing your own thing, hug her. If she's gone, think of doing something to surprise her when she gets home, or send her a text letting her know that you're thinking of her. It could be a text recalling a good memory (remember that one time when...).
These actions will enforce the idea that you love her for her and that you don't want sex all the time.
you know how i feel about the whole masturbation thing...you have come along way in your recovery though, and your honesty is part of living a clean life. Fantasy is a slippery slope , even if it is your wife, perhaps time to work on intimacy, and stopping masturbation all together.
"...SHE CAUSES me to have a massive erection that doesn't subside for awhile. (...) I really cannot bring myself to apologize for anything, because she's my wife. IT'S HER JOB, it's WHAT SHE DOES.SHE TURNS me on."
I compare that language to further on in the text:
"When my wife is naked, I RESPOND sexually to that BECAUSE i AM ATTRACTED to her."
The first quote is very reminiscent to my own relationship with my SA husband, because it puts the onus of the sexual feelings on the partner, and takes the ownership of those feelings on you.
The second comes across more from you and your ownership of your sexuality.
For myself, as a spouse, when it comes across that I am responsible for his sexual feelings, that is a very heavy load to carry, especially in a moment where I don't feel sexual. It begs the question--if I can't control these feelings in him when he tells me it's my responsibility, then who can? It's a helpless place to be in.
Let me add--by this I don't mean that you are at fault for having an erection at that time in any way, shape or form. It's what you say about it and do about it that becomes the relational issue.
When my wife had surgery last year and couldn't have sex for five months or so, I chose not to masturbate. I've come to see the pleasure of sex as something my wife and I are meant to share. I see sex as a renewal and celebration of our marriage vows. I wouldn't have it "on my own" any more than I would have gone through with our wedding on my own if my wife had been sick that day. It wasn't MY wedding day -- it was OURS. It's not my marriage, it's OUR marriage. And our sex life isn't mine either, but ours. So if sometimes I have to wait for her, I'll wait
Good luck!