I'm going to be honest here. My first thought was that the addict bit was an excuse. I could be wrong! Some peoples problems go beyond sexual addiction, though. Could he have an addiction? Sure, he may think you aren't enough to satisfy him when he really has an insatiable hunger for sex. But his quickness to almost validate his actions with an addiction, and his seemingly non-existent remorse tells me that there are other issues at play, here...

He has this weird fetish about women masterbating. He claims he just wanted to hear about their masterbation habits. I also know that he tries to get them to send him videos of them masterbating.

He actually told me that if I masterbate more for him and go to church with him more often that it would help. How can those two requests even be put in the same sentence?

That is an odd set of requests. Like I said, he may very well have an addiction. If that truly is the case, then giving in won't do any good. Sexual addicts are insatiable. We can get everything we wanted and we will still end up wanting even more in the end. He may think watching you masturbate and going to church (???) will quell his sexual appetite, but he will only seek something more once he's been satisfied. In the end, the only option is to seek treatment for his addiction; no amount of masturbation or Church (?????) will fix the root of the issue.

The bigger question is why do you keep subjecting yourself to it?

He is an addict for sure, but that isn't enough of an explanation. He needs to want to recover from his addiction and prove that he is committed to a recovery program and your relationship.

Until then, what is the plan for your life?

***DO NOT READ AS MY COMMENT MAY HAVE TRIGGER WORDS****


FeelingBetrayedAgain:

This sounds very like my spouse. He was very into hypnosis femdom and he liked watching women put lipgloss on. Pretty much all of his videos on his phone and laptop had hypnosis, lipstick/lipgloss or both combined.

Like you, my spouse seemed guilty and really upset of what he had done to me and like your partner, he suggested that I do his fantasy so he would not have the need to go online and get it from there.

***I thought I was helping him by doing his fantasy***

So, I role played with him. I pretended to be a "hypnosis" and hypnotised him to do submissive things. I then also applied lipgloss in front of him and that seemed to really turn him on. It kind of hurt me, because I saw with my own eyes that ordinary sex wasn't just doing it for him all of these years. That it was this crap that did and then I felt paranoid. "Who is he thinking while I do this?" or "Is he thinking I'm crap compared to the others he has watched?"

I thought by me doing this for him, would stop him by going online, talking to other women and visiting porn sites. It seemed to work for a while....

But it didn't. He was back online again but with a vengence.

I later learned by me feeding his fetishes, his unhealthy fantasies also fed his addiction until eventually hypnosis and lipgloss didn't cut it for him anymore.

He then went onto more hypnosis videos with a twist- Men being made to give another man oral by the female hypnosis commands. That seemed to suck him in big time, until that fantasy grew to a NEED. (My partner is straight)

He went and bought "me" a "gift". It was a vibrator. It was odd for me as sex toys arn't really my type of thing, but I considered it was him trying to spice up our sex life.

We used it, and then he asked me to hypnotis him. LIke an idiot I did, and then he asked if he could give my vibrator oral. I hesitiated, wondering if this was him trying to "prove" to me that he was really hypnotised. So I placed the object in his gob and what I saw made me sick to the stomach.

That's when I thought he was in the closet.

Later, my partner asked if we could a buy a realistic dildo with foreskin and all.

That's when I lost my head and that's when he admitted that his fantasy is to give another man oral.

Like your partner, my spouse started off with fantasies with women masturbating, then it grew and grew to much worse things.

It seems to me your partner doesn't want to get help or help your relationship and personally I would suggest that you leave him even for just a month to let him know that you're done playing his games. Maybe then he will want to buck up.

Don't play on his fantasies like I did with my spouse, it will not help your partner, it will not curb his need to go online it will FEED it.

He wants you to play his fantasy aswel as these random women, that way he has got it in both worlds. You're making his unhealthy fantasies become reality and that is not good especially when inflicted by porn.

Right now, your partner is thinking of himself. Not you. So that leaves you no choice to think of yourself and leave.

I left my partner, like I did many other times but the last time was different. I kicked him out and he had to stay in a hostel for a while.

That gave him time to think about his actions and where it has gotten him and it also made him realise that he was losing me and his children for what? For a high? For a short clip video?

He later came back home to me with his tail between his legs.

It may sound harsh, but you need to stick your foot on his neck and show him you're not going to take his crap anymore.

Feelin: What are you willing to do about the bad feelings you have when he does these things? He doesn't feel bad about them, but you do. I once thought so much about "why does he do this to me." I arrived at thinking "why do I need to know why he does this. What I need to know is why am I here." So, why are you?

I'm still here because I'm not ready to give up yet. Normally things are really good between us.

He claims that these internet/text women aren't real people and I think I've successfully explained that they are, in fact, real people. Since I've stolen the phone and told him about each and every reply I've sent he's really freaking out about it. He's so afraid that someone is going to find out who he is.

I really do think we can get past this. He went to his Wednesday group therapy meeting this week and is going to start going every week again.

I've issued my own list of requirements and told him that he's to not deviate from that list or I walk.

I know it sounds crazy but I do love him and am not ready to give up on him yet.

I'm really looking for insight here not questions as to why I stay or care.

FeelingBetrayedAgain:

My heart really goes out to you. My partner also said the same thing to me "They're not real people" and he somehow thinks that it's okay to go around doing what he was doing because "they're not real" and it's "only a video".

I understand that you love your partner and it is very hard to let go of a relationship when you know in your heart that something could be done and get better. You know your partner than anyone else does, so there is nothing wrong if you wanting to stay with him.

But, there is something your partner must understand.

Texting/calling/watching videos of other women in a sexual manner is classified as cheating when you're in a relationship.

I dont know about you, but I noticed over time with my partner that our sex life was starting to go down the drain. I thought that he had a low sex drive or that he was tired because of the kids. It wasn't, because he masturbated that morning to other women so he wasnt able to have have sex with me that night-He completly neglected me sexually and emotionally.

And yes like you boyfriend, my spouse also wrote to other women as if he was writing a love letter. Like, someone would say on their death bed to their other half before taking their last breath. For example, "You're the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes upon." or "You have the most amazing body. You're so perfect" and lastly (which got me big time) "Ever time I go to bed and close my eyes, all I see is you staring back at me." With me in bed beside him, cuddling him...

(These women live on the other end of the world lol) Sadly for him, non of them replied but what would have happened if they did??

That is what I am trying to get you to see. Your partner was cheating on you, maybe not physically but emotionally and sexually and obviously neglects you at the same time.

When you're in a relationship with someone, you want to make them feel loved and beautiful and what you boyfriend has been doing is making other women feel beautiful and sexy and he has to understand that and not see it as something innocent or "silly".

I also noticed that you mentioned you went to "his" house? So I take it he lives elsewhere? That is a big problem right there, as he is alone to do what ever he wants to do and in privacy of his own home without the worry of you walking in on him.

Going to a group therapy meeting isn't going to do him much good because clearly this is just fresh and raw for the both of you?

Have you sat down to have a serious talk? And what has he said?? I done the same with my partner, he was all up for stopping porn/dating websites etc and then he was back on it 3 days later.

If I were you, to really get him to understand your feelings and thoughts is to write him a letter from the heart (Do it on microsoft word because I tried it by hand and my arm was killing me by the time I was on 3rd page lol)

Give it to him and let him take it home and read it by himself.

Also, show him the website your brain on porn and let him read through it. I assure you he will be reading himself on some of the stories on there. It may give him a dose of reality and scare him a little.

He needs to really want to stop and by doing so is to get rid of all tech devices like touch pads, laptops, iphones etc etc and replace them with a basic phone that just makes calls and send texts.

If he needs his computer for work, set up a porn blocker (a really good one)

And before I forget, get him to write you a letter back about his honest feelings about stopping or not wanting to stop for you to understand and then enroll yourselves into couple councelling.

Thank you Ardara , I'm going to make him read your response and maybe he'll get something out of it. I tried to tell him that what he is doing is cheating but he doesn't consider it to be cheating unless it's actually one on one, physical sex.

I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing he's doing and he said it would probably turn him on. What even is that?

Lucky for me he doesn't have a home computer, nor does he use one at work. He doesn't even have internet which is why he resorts to the secret second phone which is also easier to hide.

We've had several serious talks, which generally result in him getting defensive and screaming at me. I try to remain calm and remind him that I'm not the one who did this. I'm the one who thought we were in a relationship while he apparently thinks he's single. I even went as far as to tell him that it wasn't fair for him to be playing the single game online without telling me because had I know I was single I would have went out and got my jollies too. He sure didn't like hearing that. I think it made him think a little more about what he'd done.

We're going to try to work it out. I told him I will give him once last chance but he's got to win me over again and it's not going to be easy so bring your A game.

Feeling: I asked that question because you asked for insight. It is a very good thing to take stock of your whys. I felt like examining myself in regard to my Hs behaviors did supply me with "in"sight. It seems like you have identified those. Given that you feel there is still good in the relationship, then I understand.

I felt much as you describe. My H and I have been married for more than thirty years, so, I understand the value of relationship. There was far more to our relationship than just a sexual one. In fact, sex is likely the least factor involved after thirty years.

Ard suggested some good ideas about writing how "you" feel when he indulges these fantasies. Once he knows how you feel, maybe, he can move toward a real relationship instead of living in fantasy. His attempted justification that it isn't cheating is just absolute nonsense. To even suggest that indicates that he knows it isn't true. He will either come to acknowledge and appreciate reality, or he will live in fantasyland.

But, whether or not he ever does, the most important thing may well be what you do about how you feel. If he doesn't care, then what?

Following is something I read on the Huffington Post. What do you think about it?

"As long as we believe that we are the cause of others rejecting behavior, then we can believe that there is something we can do about it. It gives us a sense of power to believe that others are rejecting us, or behaving in unloving ways, because of our inadequacy. If it is our fault then maybe we can do something about it by changing ourselves, by doing things "right." We hang on to the belief that our inadequacy is causing others behavior because we don't want to accept others free will to feel and behave however they want. We don't want to accept our helplessness over others feelings and behavior.

2. It protects us from other feelings that we are afraid to feel, and gives us a sense of control over our own feelings.

As bad as shame feels, many people prefer it to the feelings that shame may be covering up: loneliness, heartbreak, grief, sadness, sorrow or helplessness over others. Just as anger may be a cover-up for these difficult feelings, so is shame. Shame is totally different than loneliness or heartbreak or helplessness over others.

Shame is a feeling that we are causing by our own false beliefs, but loneliness, heartbreak, grief, sadness, sorrow or helplessness over others are existential feelings -- feelings that are a natural result of life. We feel heartbreak and grief over losing someone we love. We feel loneliness when we want to connect with someone or play with someone, and there is no one around or no one open to connection, love or play. Many people would rather feel an awful feeling that they are causing, than feel the authentic painful feelings of life. "

Wow, that must be pretty damn hard for you. It seems to me he is in denial that sexting these women is classified as cheating (which it is proven to be) Maybe he might need a therapist or someone different to tell him this instead of it coming from you?

Well, actually I take that back. He MUST know it is cheating considering he was hidding and keeping this secret from you. He knew all along that it was wrong.

Hmm, he might need to see someone professional about this. I find that an outsider looking in sees a lot more than the actual people involved. Someone else that is trusted maybe help him to see the light or even make him understand/accept what he has done is classified as betrayal?

**I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing he's doing and he said it would probably turn him on. What even is that?

Is this guy for REAL?? Okay, then maybe you should have added, "So, if that would turn you on are we even in a relationship if that is the case? Or am I just company to you? A warm body in bed at night?"

That's the thing some people dont seem to understand. If he is doing this and then YOU go and do the same, how in God's name is that a relationship?

That to me sounds like he has barley any respect for you because the fact of him saying it would turn him on of you showing intimate photos of yourself for everyone to see is very, very degrading. Usually, if a man caught his woman doing that he would go insane because that is HIS woman and her body is only meant for him to see. Sex is supposed to be sacred, but in todays society it is as common as muck.

The very fact of you saying that to him should have made his blood run cold. I am so very sorry that was his response. No wonder you're so hurt by him.

***I even went as far as to tell him that it wasn't fair for him to be playing the single game online without telling me because had I know I was single I would have went out and got my jollies too. He sure didn't like hearing that. I think it made him think a little more about what he'd done.

You're 100% right with your statement. That is exactly what I said to my partner too, and like your boyfriend it really got on his nerves. Didn't stop him though but hopefully for you, your boyfriend will.

Does he treat you like "Do as I say and not as I do?" If so, then he certainly needs to go and see a therapist. That is controlling behaviour and by him getting angry is wrong.

You're very lucky that he has no computers etc. If I were you, I would go onto his phone and wipe the thing clean. That way, he will loose all of his fancy women's contact numbers and photos and then leave the phone on the side.

If he comes back screaming at you, then you'll know he has been hiding again. Make sure you dont leave it completly empty, after wiping the device, put your number, his mum's, work etc back on it etc so it wouldn't be obvious that you have tampered with it LOL

And good for you. Make sure he knows you're no doormat and to not take your kindness for granted.

I hope everything works out for you and keep a very close on eye him for a long time. My partner thought I regained my trust, so he went back and did it again taking for granted that he wont get caught.

Keep us up dated if anything new happens, and if you want to talk you can give me a shout any time :) Good luck!

Secret phone is dead and in a hundred pieces. The phone number for the secret phone is also basically dead. He can't use that number again because he doesn't know the pin number to it and I won't be giving up that information.

His real phone doesn't have any red flag contacts in it, I've already looked and he wasn't giving out his real number or even name, so that's good.

I think after reading Ardara's response from yesterday that he's finally gotten the idea that what he was doing is not only wrong but very disrespectful.

He's thanked me for not giving up on him and I've reminded him that this is his last chance. I will not deal with this again. Period. If it happens again, I'm done.

I do not feel that any of this is my fault. He was trying to blame his behavior on me and I refuse to accept that. He was telling me how much he loved me and how his life would not be worthwhile without me and at the same time he was sexting other women. I've also reminded him that if he does this again that he'll find out how his life will be without me because I'll be done with him for good.

I was feeling somewhat inadequate but now I've come to realize that it's not me, it's him and I'm not going to let him and his issues drag me down.

I think his response of "that would turn me on" was a defense mechanism of trying to not feel guilty. If he pretends that it won't bother him if I did the same thing then maybe I might just look the other way. Well that's not how I'm hardwired and I think he's figured that out too.

We've had many discussions about this during the past week and I think we are on the way to resolution. He's been skipping his weekly group meetings for about the last 6 months and I laid down the law on that too. Either he goes every week or I'm done. Short of death, there is no excuse for not attending the meetings. He went to group this week and he even did a one on one session with the group leader before the meeting, so that tells me that he's putting some effort into this. As long as he stays in group where he can work his issues out, this isn't a problem. I make him go over with me what was discussed in group that pertains to him too.

I think we're finally getting somewhere with this.

I am so happy hearing that you're finally working things out! He will learn about his mistakes by himself going to these meetings, from other people that done and said the same things as him.

I really understand where you're coming from and how you're feeling. It's a horrible place to be, but when you're with someone for so long, know them so well, done everything together, know each others secrets, their weaknesses it is hard to just... let go. Your other half is your best friend as well as your lover and it will be hard to find another that you click well with.

So I can really understand why you want to stay, because you love him too much and the way I see it is... yeah he has hurt me, betrayed me etc but take that all away? He is a good man and has been good to me in every other way. He needs help right now and I am going to be the one to pull him back on his feet again.

But please make sure, that you're down too. It will be hard for you to trust him again and you may suffer from paranoia in the future or even as we speak. It is up to HIM to put his hand out and pull you up too.

Like I said, Your Brain on Porn is a very good site for him to have a look at. My partner bought a book off there, it's an ebook and he is going to start reading it tommorow.

My mother in-law works in an asylum. The biggest one in the UK and when I told her about my partner she asked around the place to find more info about it and my partner got the biggest shock of his life when she rang him.

There are porn addicts there, but they are very extream. The youngest was only 19 years old. My mother in-law found out and probably got traumatised from it that there are two guys in particular in there that have lost their sanity from porn/sex addiction. She said the stuff they were doing to themselves nearly made her vomit or cry.

The stuff I heard, I would not repeat it on here. It's something from a horror movie and I think they have a documentary on YouTube about porn/sex addicts that have lost their minds and went to mental homes. It's supposed to be more common than we actually think and becoming more common because of todays society.

So maybe, if you and your boyfriend downloaded that book, have a look at Your Brain on Porn and learn about the dangers of what could happen to a person when they step into that world would probably REALLY scare him to not go back into it again. It certainly did with my partner. Sounds pretty over the top, but it certainly worked LOL

He just needs to get a better understanding of what is going on and another good site for him to look at, cant remember the name of it for the life of me but its named something like "How to regain your partners trust again from porn/sex addiction" It has guys on there talking about their experiences, of what they have put their wives through and the steps the guys had to take to gain it back.

It also reminds the people sexting/watching porn etc behind their wives backs of what they had done wrong and why it was wrong from a "guys" point of view.

And brilliant!!! Good on you girl for smashing his stuff lol!!! It shows him that you mean buisness! Good for you!

I hope things get better for you in the future and very soon :) Good luck to you and yours!

Sorry to read about your situation.
With your partner..he thinks his problem is in his lower regions..he has to realise the problem is in his HEAD and , with his problem, when is enough really enough?