so then this trip comes up. Bear in mind I have not seen my mother and siblings for a year. I am excited about the prospect of going over there, a little concerned about how my recovery will cope with my first business trip since the reboot. I am very nervous about talking to my wife about it.

My wife responds to me telling her that the trip may come up by saying "you are not staying over the weekend". This hurts me. I know that this is not because she wants me home for the weekend, but because she specifically doesn't want me spending time with my wider family. The distances and timings mean that I would need to spend 14 hours flying, miss one and a half days in the office, and battle serious lethergy and jetlag just to do it - this is therefore not about quality time! I explained this to her but knew she would make it an ultimatum.

So then I had a flash. I am so angry with her, so hurt by the fact that she is blocking my ability to have relationships with my family, but I knew I couldn't let my anger screw this up. So I sent her a message saying that I would do it.

It is embarassing explaining to your boss and your colleagues that you need to cross the atlantic for the weekend on the one business trip you have had in a year, especially as they know my mother and siblings live there, but I did it. Instead of thanks from her, I got "I can't believe I even had to ask".

I won't lie, I am extremely angry. I know that she is angry too and expresses it through this control. But she doesn't. Today, instead of asking me what I plan to do about my recovery while away, instead of asking me if we could talk through what had happened, she asked my to list all of the nouns and adjectives I have used when I used chatrooms over 2 years ago.

Is this anything but unhealthy for her? I know she is angry and is seeking fuel.

I don't know what to do about this. We both have therapists. I was thinking about writing her a letter and having her read it in therapy, and then coming into a session with her when I return. Any thoughts?

From recoverynation : "

The discovery of your partner's sexually compulsive behavior is no different. It is, and will forever remain, a traumatic event in your life. It will have upset the very foundation with which you perceive your own identity. In trying to comprehend such a devastating trauma as the death of child, most would find comfort in turning to their value system. They may target fate or God as the reason for the event intangible entities that serve to buffer the extreme emotions that are naturally experienced. With sexual addiction, that same value system is not capable of providing such a buffer, as there is a very real and tangible target for those emotions: the person who engaged in the behavior. And while the thought of having such a target to vent your feelings to may sound good from a healing perspective, it actually makes the process of recovery (yours and your partner's) that much more complex. Why? Because with such a target, there is a tendency to believe that the issues involved with such irrational, unpredictable behavior can be dissected, analyzed, reviewed and controlled (somewhat). And with this, some semblance of control can be gained in your own life. Some measure of emotional relief achieved. But it can't. And your efforts to develop such unrealistic expectations will only tear you further from the reality that is your situation."

Has it ever occurred to you that she may be concerned that during your weekend abroad that you might slip back in to old habits? It sounds to me like she doesn't trust you and she has good reason for that lack of trust.

If the situation were reversed and you were in her place, would you want her out gallivanting for the weekend? I doubt you would.

Trust is a funny thing, it takes a long time to earn and only seconds to be lost.

Maybe you should invite her to come with you.

I think your idea of writing a letter and running it by your counselor is a good one.

It seems to me that when people become insecure, they sometimes look for ways to increase their control, or at least their perception of it. In this case, it seems to me that your wife is using your admission of porn use and chatting as a justification for controlling you. This, unfortunately, is not going to bring about a healthy, happy marriage.

Hopefully, a good counselor can help your wife to understand that, far from making your marriage workable, her efforts to control your every move are going to further damage your relationship and possibly feed the very sense of personal dissatisfaction that led to your pornography/Internet use in the first place. The reality is, there are some things that are important to you in addition to your marriage, and while your wife's needs should come ahead of your extended family, spiteful feelings are not needs.

You are absolutely right. That was the conversation I expected. It is an equal concern of mine that the increased opportunity will be a massive test of my resolve. I wanted to discuss that with her, including the option of her coming with me. I put together a plan for how I was going to remain accountable and stay clean. I accept that she doesn't trust me and that this is a consequence of a very grave breach of that trust.

But there was no discussion, just the repeated demand. We cannot afford for the family to fly out there with me, and she would need to have contact with my mother/siblings which she is not yet prepared to do. So I could have just booked the trip and dealt with the fallout, but instead I got approval to fly home on the weekend.

And dlansky, thanks for your input too. She has a very good counsellor, who knows me too because she started as our relationship counsellor. I have written an incredibly long letter walking her through my entire reboot, no anger, and explaining why I feel in such a bind and that I feel as if she is acting out of anger rather than a need to recover. With or without me, this is her life and it is up to her to start making positive steps away from the hurt and pain that I have caused.

sounds to me that she is afraid, Fear is normally the feeling that us spouses have and it more often then not comes out as anger, and then sometimes control. Without knowing the background of your family dynamics its hard to say why she is reacting the way she is. Is there someone there that you have acted out with? Is there reason for her to afraid of your recovery while you are visiting family? Travelling overnight early in recovery can be triggering for both addict and spouse.

Maybe tell her what your plan is while away, look ahead to see if there is a meeting you can go to. Trust after betrayal that your wife is dealing with can take 5 years, 5 years of consistency, sobriety, recovery and a whole lot of work for both you and your wife.

My husband hasnt been away over night in over 20 months, his job is alot of travel and he had to go to his boss and tell him that he is dealing with a mental health issue and has that restriction. He ALWAYS acted out while away, so it could be a really bad thing for him this early in recovery. His therapist actually suggested 2 years with no alone overnight travel.

You are right she is responsible for her healing, i read yesterday that if you are hit by a car, the driver is at fault for your injuries but you are responsible for the hard work to get better. Same applies to us spouses. Its compounded by the fact that that one person that was suppose to love, and be faithful to her is the one that has caused such trauma to her. Be gentle, patient, and honest with her.

The letter is a great way to let her know how you are feeling as long as you arent blaming, deflecting and downplaying her trauma. Addicts tend to think that they are in recovery, and working the program, and staying sober therfore their spouses should be okay, healed,and move on....Trauma doesnt work that way....it takes time, lots and lots of time, and consistency, and love and support.

Remember you just told her everything in September, its all new to her, thats fresh and she is still in the anger stage.

You have been sober for 90 days and that is very good. No doubt your sobriety has cleared your head and you see how much damage has been done, but for her, she has only begun to process.
Yes, she is angry and rightfully so. Do not expect her to follow your path to recovery. For spouses it is much different and takes much longer.
Give her space, time, patience and accept that you have no control over her feelings at this point.
It may take a lot longer before she can address family and/or marital issues.
I hope she has some therapy of her own. It helped me greatly to have someone who is truly compassionate listen to me and comfort me because at 90 days sobriety my husband was still ill equipped to do so.
By the way, I do not talk to my husband's family either. He can have a relationship with them, but I am done. She needs to know that she an make healthy boundaries for herself and if this is how she feels, don't force anything other than that.

Yes 90 days is a pin drop in the years of recovery ahead. There is a wonderful chart that shows the recovery of feelings for a spouse and that of the addict. The addict one build upward over the five years at one rate the addict feels good is making progress etc. Where the wife was at a certain level of good feelings then disclosure and the line flat lines far under the addicts line and then it gradually does build but always under the addicts line (easier with a picture lol) but the idea is that her feelings toward you will always remain significantly lower than your own. Because she is holding out to see how you do and as you continue to do well her feelings go up as well but not the same as yours. I'm getting a headache.

Any effort to fix your wife will not work it sounds as if she is doing it on her own (GREAT)!!! You are entitled to express your feelings but don't do it by guessing at what she is thinking and feelings. Use I statements and keep it about you and how you feel. Use words like I MAY BE WRONG in how I'm perceiving the situation but when this happens I feel like this. Reaffirm your commitment and willingness to do what it takes for her to feel safe and that you want to help rebuild trust also. Make sure you are taking care of your recovery with your accountability people and counselor she doesn't have to be involved in your plan for sobriety if she doesn't want to but someone does like an accountability partner. Don't make her responsible for your success you have to build that in for yourself and follow through. Its great you were being proactive.

So when my husband and I first started out in recovery his counselor told us this I would work with these couples for a year or more in recovery and they would just be at each other couldn't stand each other but you know time and time again I would see them again around year five or so and there was just something about them they would be so close and loving to each other I would hardly even recognize them from years before. It's like something just clicked.

He painted a better picture but you know I always thought about that through the hard hard years, year 1, year 2, year 3 and finally year 4 and 5. I wondered was there something really to it would I wake up the morning of year five and feel that our relationship had changed that much. Okay so for us it was a few more years haha but we got there. We adore each other and are kind to each other and I see a very big payout especially when we get the kids out of the house lol (they are young). Do your very best not to beat each other up in the years to getting to the good years. :) Pray for your wife you will be amazed at how much that will do over time. God has you both His plan is perfect, He is never late and He is rarely early!!! You can do this!!!

You have been clean for ninety days. That's really good. How long were you acting out before the ninety days?

H didn't disclose, he got caught - again... again... and again... finally pledged to quit - clean August - December. Then, right back at it. Caught again. I feel like I got the part in Flatliners... and I don't know if they can bring me back this time... too too fragile. H isn't a fan of counseling, so here we sit, percolating in this wasteland... 90 days? Sorry, but I'm extremely cynical ...

Signed: Wife who's been down this rabbit hole for 10 years