Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
When you think you hit a low point, life fucks you again and down you gor more. I've been reading a lot to try and figure out the whys of this damn additcion, trying to gain some understanding how this supposed disease could cause me to lie and cheat on people that I care about and love. The readings seem to make sense, that his is a mental disorder possibly stemming from some childhood bs or something. I sorta started to believe some of it. Then here I am today.
Met with my soon to be ex wife for lunch. Spoke to her about some of my readings, trying to help her understand whats caused me to be the way I am. Talk to her about a book for spouses about their spouses on sex addictions. She was open to the reading and stated she wanted to understrand it herself. I have not told her abour a lot of my activities, as far as she knows, she has caught me on 3 occasions either on webcam or the last was an online relationship I got myself sucked into. She reminded me and was pretty firm about the divorce and made it clear that it wasn't changing. She told me she would be there for me as a friend and help me get through this.
So I go to my third SAA meeting after work, I listen to others stories and struggles. I leave the meeting feeling physically drained. She had texted me to see how the meeting went and we started talking on the phone. I wanted to help her understand how severe this additcion is to me and try to get her to relate in some fashion. I feel very volnerable and beat down during this conversation. I tell her I'm tired of lying and living around lies all my life. She hits me with the question, so have you physically had sex with someone else while we were married. Of course I hesitate and told her that I didn't want to do this over the phone. So would stop asking, she knew, kept badgering me, I kept telling her I didn't want to do it this way. Finally I told her about the affair I had early on in our relationship. I really wanted her to understand that I couldn't control myself.
Now she hates me, won't talk to me. Our divorce went from let's talk and compromise on everything to fuck you, it's how she wants, what she wants, and no compromise.
Now to my struggle with what to believe. This so called disease or sex addiction, what is reality and what is just some excuse to blame my actions on? I said in a previous post that I've lost hope. Now I don't know what to believe. I was raised to not blame others, not to be a victim. You control what you do and noone else. In my professional life I've preached this and lived by this. In my private life I've never taken the victim role, I've never played the blame game. At least that's what I thought. I've been looking deep lately and reflecting a lot. All of our problems with our marriage stemmed from my lies and deception and online relationships and my affair.
Up until I started looking into SAA and this being an uncontrollabel addiction, I always questioned why I've done this to such a beautiful woman who wanted nothing more than for me to love her back unconditionally. I couldn't understand why after ruining my previous 10 year relationship by doing the same things along with haveing zero relationship with my son from that relationship, how I could repeat this cycle again with my current wife. What kind of loser and hrorible person am I.
Reading about this and going to the meetings opened my eyes up and started making me believe maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe there really is a mental issue causing me to be this way. I started to see a bit of hope and faith. Then this comes out last night, I felt I was so vulnerable and had been talking to her about what I've been learning. She seemed to be understanding some and even though not willing to put the brakes on the divorce, was open to helping. I don't know what I expected or how I expected her to react when she found out I had sex outside our marriage. I know it's hurting her and I've done a lot of that to her in the past.
I'm feeling know that this so called disease is just a way to be a victim. My
actions are my actions. I didn't act out because some power over me took over my body. I did these things knowingly and fully aware of the consequences. Knowing I would hurt her unrepairably. She told me last night that I was copping out with all this bs about addictions and that I was just another piece of shit husband that couldn't be satisfied by his wife alone. Maybe she's right. Every relationship I've been in has been the same way, I'm never satisfied. Maybe for a bit, but I always stray and need more or something different. My wife truly was a great wife to me, she spent our entire relationship trying to satisfy me, not caring about herself, losing who she really was and in the end going into a 3year depression.
So what do I believe? Do I believe there is some disease in my brain causing me to do all of the bad things I've done? Or do I believe that I'm just a disgusting man that is so selfish that I only care about my needs and could care less about what these actions do to other humans? This SAA program talks about being truthful and telling those that you've wronged, why? So I feel better about myself in the end? What about her? What about what it's doing to her right now? I hate myself so much right now. I want to believe that this SAA program will help, but it's so hard to believe and accept.
Met with my soon to be ex wife for lunch. Spoke to her about some of my readings, trying to help her understand whats caused me to be the way I am. Talk to her about a book for spouses about their spouses on sex addictions. She was open to the reading and stated she wanted to understrand it herself. I have not told her abour a lot of my activities, as far as she knows, she has caught me on 3 occasions either on webcam or the last was an online relationship I got myself sucked into. She reminded me and was pretty firm about the divorce and made it clear that it wasn't changing. She told me she would be there for me as a friend and help me get through this.
So I go to my third SAA meeting after work, I listen to others stories and struggles. I leave the meeting feeling physically drained. She had texted me to see how the meeting went and we started talking on the phone. I wanted to help her understand how severe this additcion is to me and try to get her to relate in some fashion. I feel very volnerable and beat down during this conversation. I tell her I'm tired of lying and living around lies all my life. She hits me with the question, so have you physically had sex with someone else while we were married. Of course I hesitate and told her that I didn't want to do this over the phone. So would stop asking, she knew, kept badgering me, I kept telling her I didn't want to do it this way. Finally I told her about the affair I had early on in our relationship. I really wanted her to understand that I couldn't control myself.
Now she hates me, won't talk to me. Our divorce went from let's talk and compromise on everything to fuck you, it's how she wants, what she wants, and no compromise.
Now to my struggle with what to believe. This so called disease or sex addiction, what is reality and what is just some excuse to blame my actions on? I said in a previous post that I've lost hope. Now I don't know what to believe. I was raised to not blame others, not to be a victim. You control what you do and noone else. In my professional life I've preached this and lived by this. In my private life I've never taken the victim role, I've never played the blame game. At least that's what I thought. I've been looking deep lately and reflecting a lot. All of our problems with our marriage stemmed from my lies and deception and online relationships and my affair.
Up until I started looking into SAA and this being an uncontrollabel addiction, I always questioned why I've done this to such a beautiful woman who wanted nothing more than for me to love her back unconditionally. I couldn't understand why after ruining my previous 10 year relationship by doing the same things along with haveing zero relationship with my son from that relationship, how I could repeat this cycle again with my current wife. What kind of loser and hrorible person am I.
Reading about this and going to the meetings opened my eyes up and started making me believe maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe there really is a mental issue causing me to be this way. I started to see a bit of hope and faith. Then this comes out last night, I felt I was so vulnerable and had been talking to her about what I've been learning. She seemed to be understanding some and even though not willing to put the brakes on the divorce, was open to helping. I don't know what I expected or how I expected her to react when she found out I had sex outside our marriage. I know it's hurting her and I've done a lot of that to her in the past.
I'm feeling know that this so called disease is just a way to be a victim. My
actions are my actions. I didn't act out because some power over me took over my body. I did these things knowingly and fully aware of the consequences. Knowing I would hurt her unrepairably. She told me last night that I was copping out with all this bs about addictions and that I was just another piece of shit husband that couldn't be satisfied by his wife alone. Maybe she's right. Every relationship I've been in has been the same way, I'm never satisfied. Maybe for a bit, but I always stray and need more or something different. My wife truly was a great wife to me, she spent our entire relationship trying to satisfy me, not caring about herself, losing who she really was and in the end going into a 3year depression.
So what do I believe? Do I believe there is some disease in my brain causing me to do all of the bad things I've done? Or do I believe that I'm just a disgusting man that is so selfish that I only care about my needs and could care less about what these actions do to other humans? This SAA program talks about being truthful and telling those that you've wronged, why? So I feel better about myself in the end? What about her? What about what it's doing to her right now? I hate myself so much right now. I want to believe that this SAA program will help, but it's so hard to believe and accept.
I would recommend getting some therapy. You definitely need it.
Also, you will have to disclose to your wife regardless of whether she divorces you or not, but it really should be done in the presence of a therapist who can guide you both through the disclosure process.
Also, you will need to develop some empathy for your wife. Of course she hates you right now. She is totally traumatized by this as are you.
If is not you who is bad, it is the addiction which is bad.
You need to beat the addiction to get back to the person you were meant to be, not the person this addiction has made you.
You are hardly at a place where you can know how it will feel to be completely sober. Stop judging yourself and the program and don't resort to blame. That is part of the addiction.
Taking responsibility is the key to growth, not blame.
If your wife is divorcing you I would suggest also going to a divorce recovery group. They offer them in lots of churches and are outreach type ministry in that they aren't trying to sell you on their church but offer a place of support and healing. I say this because the information is the best you will get for saving your marriage. Thats right these groups are for marriages surviving separation and even divorce. We had a couple who had divorced and then ended up remarrying later on. Sometimes we can't remain it is too painful and your wife does need to do her own healing and at a certain point if she has done some work and she sees you have done some work the opportunity may be there to reconcile. So here is my question to you. How many years of lies and unfaithfulness have you given your wife...now how many years are willing to give her for extending reconciliation and invest in healing? Should you have spent 10 years 12 years in addiction and than when she doesn't come around in six months a year that's it.
Here is one of the statistics they explain in divorce recovery usually when a relationship is ending both parties come to a place of willingness to reconcile the problem is it doesn't often happen at the same time. So spouse one is ready but spouse two isn't. Spouse one moves on to other relationships grieves the loss of the marriage etc. and then sometime down the road spouse two is ready to reconcile but spouse one has moved on. If spouse one who was willing to reconcile HELD THE LINE of reconciliation for say two years not dating just doing their own healing THAN when spouse 2 is ready to reconcile the marriage could be restored.
Two years in recovery is nothing it is a five year process by year two things will be looking much better for you. So if you can accept that your marriage and your life won't be fixed over night nowhere near than get yourself into counseling start setting up boundaries with your wife around disclosing. TELL her and SHOW her you will remain faithful EVEN if she will not. Your words mean nothing to her only your actions. When you start getting better that will get her attention. What do you have to lose really nothing because in the end you will be doing what is best for you and you won't be dragging another marriage down. It works, if you work and your worth it (see I know my AA too :)
Variablek and heartsadx, I appreciate the advice of minimizing the contact with her. I understand she's got to deal with this as much as I do whether we are together or she's living elsewhere. I've heard numerous stories in group of spouses that have stuck it out and can only say that I don't know how they do it, but look up to them as extremely strong. Even though my relationship with my wife will never be, I can get some hope that there will be a strong understanding woman out there for me when I'm ready, that will accept me knowing I've had this addiction.
AND heartsadx, thank you for putting a little smile on my face....I don't quite have it down yet either.
At some point down the road when sobriety kicks in, you can ask your wife if she would attend a therapy session with you.
Until then, keep working the program, and soon you can get a sponsor to help you navigate the 12 steps.
After being subjected to 10 years of abuse from my sex addicted husband, I am in the very early stages of my recovery. So I am not sure if I am a good candidate to offer advice as such, however I hope my thoughts are useful for you. I have read your post and I believe these amazing women have certainly given you some very sound advice. From where I am standing today I urge you to think about what they are saying and I would recommend you follow their advice.
Your wife is probably utterly traumatized. You need to find the strength to disclose, your wife needs to be able to heal, be given the opportunity to move forward in her journey, she needs to know what she is truly recovering from and not live the rest of her life with a nagging suspicion that even at this stage you weren't able to be truly honest. Maybe look at it this way, you have very little to loose by fully disclosing but a whole lot to gain. Along side this you absolutely need to develop empathy for your wife. Gosh, I am sure she deserves it and in the long run I am sure it will help both of you.
Good luck on your journey
It's quite the dilemma, because in the midst of addiction, we do all sorts of thing we never thought we'd sink to. There is some momentary comfort in thinking that one had no control; that it was a "disease" that came was inflicted upon us. If we admit that we had control, we feel like we are admitting that all the crap we did was by our own free choice, leading to the conclusion that we must be pretty bad people.
On the other hand, if it were truly out of our control, we'd have no hope of recovery. In that case, it makes sense for our spouses to run -- who wants to stay with someone who has no capacity to commit to being faithful?
I'm not sure I like the word "disease" all that much, because it does suggest something that just happens to someone without that person's participation. Having wrestled (successfully) with my own addiction, I think of it more as a condition, and part of that condition was the feeling of no control. Part of the cure was realizing that this feeling was wrong, and that I in fact have far more control than I realized, and that with the strength God gives me, I am stronger than my emotions or urges. The issue wasn't so much that I *couldn't* control my actions, but that I didn't know how.
That probably doesn't help with your situation with your wife at all. I'm just offering my own 2 cents on the matter of addiction. I've had to accept that I've done many things that were hurtful to my wife and myself, but I also believe that if I'd had the knowledge then that I have now, I I most likely would not have done many of those things.