First you MUST understand and accept....this isn't about you. It has nothing to do with how you look, how you dress, whether you "shave" or not...it isn't about you period. It's about him and that includes his not being able tp keep it up with you during sex. It's all about him and psychological issues he has...he can get it up for porn because he can objectify the girl in the picture. She's an object in his mind (I'm a little concerned with his porn of choice "petite teen" and what that possibly means...again possibly). It would appear he's got issues performing with a living breathing human being...with whom he probably feel inadequate, You've been assuming it has something to do with his attraction to you. I think that's unlikely You husband has a problem with porn but I;m guess, it's deeper than that....he doesn't sound comfortable with his sexuality....with his feeling about himself as a man. This is also not your fault. He needs to be in counseling to look at these issues. You have no power over him...none. You only have power and control over yourself. You must decide what your willing to accept in your life. You can't stop him from looking at porn but you can decide that porn is not something your willing to have in your marriage. I other words you need to establish and set limits and boundaries and then enforce them....and yes, that may mean leaving him again. He must decide what his priorities are going to be. As his wife and partner it is completely reasonable for you to expect having a love life with your husband. If he can't or won't and prefers to have his sexual outlet be masturbation while looking at pctures of petite teens, then that's his choice but you don't have to stick around and feel undesirable and that there's something wrong with you.

I'd sit down and have serious conversation with hm, express your needs and wants as well as state you limits and boundaries. It sounds like and ultimatum and I guess in a way it is but he needs to make a choice because you can't go on living the way you have been. Of couse let him know you willl support him if he chooses to get some assistance for himself. But until HE recognizes and can admit to himself that he has a problem...it's unlikely anything will change. But it has to come from within him....not to please you. If he does it just because he feels he has to to keep you...it's doomed to fail. Almost always, people don't change or really look inside until they are in pain or crisis. The most important thing here is YOU must take care of YOU. You must decide what's healthy for you....your focus needs to be on what's best for you and stop focusing on him. He'll do whatever he does and again you have no control over that. You an only take care of you Oh and btw....what yu said...:he's just a guy and that's what guys do"?....that's just not true. A lot of guys don't look at porn. Others may but not to the point they don't make love with their wives. No...you hisband's issue is far beyond that and is causing major problems in his marriage...yet he persists, He has a problem but I dk why but I suspect his issues go deeper than hs compulsion to vew porn. Just my opinion....but again, I suggest you focus on you and what you can accept and then follow through. You can't fix him. Only he can do that and it has to come from within him. Good luck

wow dave - that is powerful and right on the mark. Mini, dave is right - this is not anything you can fix - it's up to your husband - he has a problem that only he can address - you can be supportive if he decides to change, but that's it. dave is correct you are the only one that can make a healthy choice, but for YOU, not for your husband.

What do YOU want out of a relationship? You deserve happiness, a loving, supportive partner who can fufill your needs and you his. Decide what is important to you - you shouldn't have to settle for anything less.

BTW, this is an just an observation, but it sounds like you may have co-dependency tendencies. Find others in this space or find a CODA group or a counselor to help you with some of your needs. You shouldn't feel like you need to starve yourself, shave or do anything else to please another - it's important to you that you're true to yourself. You deserve to be a whole person and have a whole partner. good luck mini

Hi, my situation is similar to yours. My partner uses phone sex chatlines for his compulsive masturbation addiction and I've caught him many times in the five years we've been together and each time he promises to stop but does'nt. By forgiving him each time I am allowing him to carry on with his addiction. I know that I have to set boundaries and carry them through this time but easier said than done. By telling yourself "it's just a man thing" you too are allowing him to continue. We have to be stronger than this and put our foot down when it comes to telling them what behaviours we will and wont accept. If they break those rules then the outcome must be ending the relationship or telling them to get out of the house. My partners dirty disgusting behaviour has given me a 24/7 obsession with what he did and what he may be doing when I'm not at home, I surf the net for hours trying to find out more about his addiction, I have a keylogger on my pc, I check his phone and bank statements etc etc. I know this is not healthy nor what I want out of life. He has turned me into a co-addict and also contributed to my increase in amphetamine intake which is now out of control. I'm here if you need to chat. Take care!

Everyone else's comments are great so i won't re-state but please just let me tell you that as far as I know and with as much experience as I've had with marijuana, i don't buy that it keeps him from getting it up...weed is an aphrodesiac, you can find that fact in herbal medicinal guides if you look. Please listen to the others here...your self esteem is being damaged but it's not about you...it's all about him. ((HUGS))

I have recently joined this group because i had a similar problem like that of your husband. I am also addict to watching porn and such kind of activities for past 8-9 years. I have been trying to get away of this since past few days and getting some positive results, so, as a CSA guy, I should share my thoughts for your benefits. it may suit to you or may not due to cultural differences and variations in the extent of problem, but still, i will share. I will point out certain facts below:
1. Many guys, who are involved in cheating their wives or doing such activities like masturbation, porn watching, phone sex etc are perfect philosopher after they 'drain out' (ejaculate). They may start feeling guilty, sorry for their act and sympathy for their wives (reciprocally, this may be true for cheating wives, I dont know really!!). But this guilty feeling lasts or love for wife lasts till the certain hormones level in his body is 'down'. Once hormones start building up again, may be in a day or two or few hours, he forgets all ehtics, all love for partner and he again indulges in his favourite activities
2. Every guy fantacizes about certain girls types or class, even he is married. Those who restrain on their minds, leave this fantacy as fantacy, but those of weak mind ( like me!!) try to get satisfaction through some way or other. Thus even his wife is beautiful and sexy, but if he has strong affinity for musculine woman, he goes behind her. Watching peteite girls site may be one such example.
3. In many cases there is no fault of wife . (May be in your case also it is true) or guys do not do such activities purposely to make their wife unhappy but they do it because they cant control it at that time as i told earlier , due to certain hormones.
4. It is not that these guys are always real bad lot or cunning or sadist etc, but satisfaction coming out of such compulsive activities so strong that they are even ready to sacrifice their marriage, relations or anything.... but only for that compulsive period. That time their minds are not under their full control
4. My wife used to do the same thinng what you did. She scolded, faught, went away etc etc...and as usual I felt bad..but . but i used to resumed all pleasure activities.. and that cycle went on and on leaveing my wife frustrated, dejected and unhappy and me also with different cyclic psychological levels at different times... philosopher, good husband, bad husband and sex maniac....there was no end to it..
5. One day when i was in such 'post relief' philosophical mood, when i was not googling porn sites , I started searching for phrase sex addictioncure--- control etc and I got many sites like sexaholics anonymus etc etc, and got this site also I e daily strengthn . I became member, shared my thoughts and imposed some self control and even installed porn blocking software, NAOMI. I wrote down all the bad things I did to my wife, reasons and analysis for that, my role, my wifes role, background etc. This I did when my wife was away for 2 months
6. Although, my addiction has not stopped completely, there was remarkable progress. I did not completely stopped watching porn etc suddenly I allowed myself relieved , but slowly deferred the indulgence. Frequency has come down radically and I hope it will be gone one day completely, with support of this group.
7. Very interesting thing I noticed during this period was that I really and sincerely realized how much injustice I was doing with my wife n family and how I have wasted my good years of family life. My wife is not that attractive which can easily turn me on in comparison to sexy porn girls but as my hormonal level started saturating may be, coupled with my positive thoughts and self restraint, my love and even sexual attraction towards my wife rekindled. She may not give me as much pleasure as I used to get thru porn watching etc, but I kept telling myself that see, there is diff. Between real life and fantacy, your dalily routine is disturbed, family life is in trouble and if u dont save ur family now, never u wud be able to do it.
8. I may not be fully successful in achieving 100% success (as I am not taking any medication, councelling etc and this is self driven movement) but even if I feel like watching porn and masturbating, I will call my wife to join me for co- satisfaction, or I may take permission for doing so once a while from my wife ( which I hope she will give with broad mind considering my efforts and my inability on my behavioural psychology owing to predominance of certain chemicals). I will indulge in certain other thing to keep myself engrossed
9. My expectation from my wife will be that she should be patient, understanding and should suffer a bit if necessary for larger goal and better family life and she should support me thinking that I am not well psychologically
10. I may not be right persons to comment upon those guys who are not like me and apart from CSA, who also indulge in drugs, drinks and smoking ( I do not do any of this). Their partners should study their behavior properly and find out, if he is curable or not, and follow the other methods as well. I will all the best to them, and request u all guys to support me in my mission recovery (My wife is coming back soon and I will be a better husband for her now.)

love
ras

My: You said, "To me, that just PROVES it's me." You're wrong about that...it ISN'T you! What healthy man would prefer a picture (especially of "petite teens" and/or masturbation) to real sexuality with a real woman? Ummmm...none! Doesn't that strike you as very strange? He has a very distinct problem and it's gone far into a very serious problem.

He is not likely since he's gone that far to ever recover his ability to be truly sexual without intervention from a professional. He needs to go for help. First to a medical doctor, and then to a qualified psych who is trained for dealing with sexual malfunction.

Cazin said, "By telling yourself "it's just a man thing" you too are allowing him to continue." Who told you this? Why would you believe this? I think that there a huge number of men who would take serious issue about viewing "petite teens." And, a large number who would take issue about viewing porn at all. This is simply not true. And Cazin is right...if you allow him to use this lie, and you do nothing to stop it, you are only enabling him to continue. And there is no good end to that at all.

However, your situation is not all that unusual. There are many men who indulge in porn and fantasy to the point they are no longer able to perform sexually with "any" partner.

Very likely, if he was confronted with a pornwoman or a "petite teen" shaved or not, he wouldn't fare any better than he does with you...probably far less in reality. Thing is, like the guys have already said, it isn't your problem, it's his. But, you are being damaged by his behaviors and attitudes. The PROOF to that is that you would try and immulate those people and those things. And only YOU can respect and protect yourself.

Why would you want to try and change yourself into any even small likeness of an icky, immoral, kinky, prostitute on film? Even regular prostitutes aren't that lowlife. Those women in porn present themselves as a thing...a nonhuman...to be used like an animal for money. Why would anyone want to do that or to emulate it? No one has any respect for those women and men, not even themselves.

And, if those girls he's watching are "petite teens" any less than 18, he is setting himself up to go to jail...and the fact that you know he's doing that...is setting you up to go to jail too. There are some really strong laws about child pornography...and the sentence is tough...and the aftermath tougher.

It would be advisable to demand he stop that activity immediately and go to a sexual counselor before he ends up in prison....that seems the kindest thing to do for him if you love him.

As far as you personally are concerned...why are you willing to let this continue? If you truly believe that it is specific and he doesn't want you as an individual, why would you want to be with him? Why not someone who does want you?

MyMini
Its not your fault.
I have a wife I love. She is my best friend and the person I plan on being with forever.
I can achieve an erection reading or looking at porn, but I have to work for it. On my own, if I loose it, I can be patient start all over, start, stop, work myself up, and eventually, i will get off.
However, when I am with my wife, its no longer about me..
If I start and loose my erection during the first few minutes, the feeling of failure at not being able to satisfy my wife is overwhelming.
Never mind, if I can actually keep it up for a while, I can just as easy loose it at the wrong time.
Even while recieving oral sex, the thought of not being able to maintain and erection and the need to want to make you feel like you are doing a good job and that its not you, can work towards loosing it.
I had always been a good lover, never selfish, I always thought if I took care of my wife she would take care of me.
Now that I cant take care of her, makes me feel extreemly guilty about asking her to take care of me.
I have explain this to my wife, and she does understand.
Its like being a great pianist and loosing your fingers, you know what you are capable of doing, but don't have the tools.
It is one of the worst feelings you can ever imagine.
Hope this helps.