I've recently found myself discouraged from logging back into this site to seek and give advice due to a recent experience I've had. I'm still doing very well thanks to some advice I was able to receive, but still feel discouraged because of the reaction I got from others that do not have personal involvement with an addiction (i.e. they themselves are not addicted)

Keep in mind that I understand that any involvement with anything that provides virtual sexual arousement should not be tolerated or accepted in the least. And I know that any justification regarding this matter should not be accepted at all.

When I talked about a recent encounter I had I mainly received comments like "What were you thinking?" ... If you truly understood the mind of an addict you would not ask such a blaring question.

When you lose yourself and feel bad about it, the last thing you want is for someone who doesn't understand your mind set to criticize you and belittle your efforts by implying that you don't know the gravity of the situation or don't recognize how you got to where you did.

I wasn't looking for consolation to say "it's okay" because I already knew that it was not. I did not need any other voices rebuking me for being an idiot and telling me that it wasn't okay.

So when you read about someone's relapse don't say, "Well why did you do that?" or "You know what you did was wrong, don't you?" or "Wow, what were you thinking?" or "That was incredibly stupid" because that doesn't help.

I would relate what happened to me to that of someone hiking up slope of loose material. My foot slipped back a little as I was stepping up, but after all was said and done, I was still one step further in my recovery after that day than one step back.

A appreciated the feedback of what I could do better (Because that's what I was looking for), but feel that an evaluation needs to be done before responding if you're only going to rebuke.

For those who are on here for support about your significant others being addicts, I recommend living with a greater understanding of the way the human brain works. You cannot relate you losing your phone to someone losing their leg. You cannot tell them that you know how they feel unless you also have lost a limb. You can't truly console someone who's lost someone close to them if you have not experienced the same. You cannot tell them that you know how it is.

It's hard to understand an addict if you've never been in their shoes. So don't ask "What were you thinking?" because, in reality, sometimes not even the addict knows. When the trigger hits, their mind very speedily goes into a narrow mindset. And in that narrow mindset they no longer have a wide perspective. Their judgement on what's acceptable is skewed. To an addict, there is a lot of gray area trying to explain what they were thinking. Nothing is clear. Because their mind is messed up. It's like asking what Dr. Jackyll what he was thinking while he was Mr. Hyde. The two mind sets are very different.

Don't ask anything in regards to "What were you thinking?". Instead try to ask simple yes or no questions like, "Do you know how you got there?" or "Could you see clearly where the line was that you shouldn't have crossed?" and if they couldn't see clearly you can ask, "What signs can you look for next time to recognize that you've gone too far?" If they start making conscious efforts to recognize the signs, then the line that they don't want to cross will move further and further back as habits become more and more recognizable so they don't pass the point of no return. In a sense recognizing how to avoid some triggers by not succumbing to certain habits.

I apologize for the long post, but I felt this needed to be addressed. It was also addressed on a previous occasion that support for actual addicts appears to be diminishing as this forum starts to become more of a support group for spouses and significant others of addicts. It's like a doctor trying to understand and cure cancer without even once looking at examples of it thriving. You're not going to learn from it and solve the problem by discussing it amongst yourselves.

Thank you for understanding.