Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I check this group regularly to see if there are any new posts or anyone asking for help, and if you've been doing the same, you've seen the activity in this group is practically non-existent. I have wrestled with posting for about two weeks now, and today I'll share what I've been doing that has been providing some relief. Before I do though, I want to say that there are still key components like communicating with others who have this exact problem, and other tools I haven't really incorporated that I hope to help me cease looking at porn and desiring compulsive sex permenantly.
First off I want to say that the SAA material if given a chance and read with no judgment has been a very valuable tool in understanding what exactly a working definition of sexual addiciton is. The website is SAA-recovery.org. Secondly I have to say youtube has also given lots of user generated information from channels such as anti-porn, nofap, cure the craving, porn harms, just to name a few.
The SAA material is teaching me that I have an illness, this illness is characterized by compulsive "acting out" that I haven't the power to say no to, and that if left unchecked, daily, will lead to my life not being managable, or on the path that a higher power would have it be on. Secondly it teaches me that I can equate acting out of any kind, with insanity, real insanity, coupled with the definition of insanity that involves the repeating the same behavior over expecting different results, so what I am saying is the more I act out, and the more I don't address my sexual illness of compulsive acting, the more two forms of insanity will play large roles in my life. The SAA material teaches that I have a God, and we all have a God, that can return the sanity, make life seem clear again, make my mind see sex as a gift and not as a burden or torturous event or scenario to fear, and then if taken seriously gives simple instructions to see what exactly the problem is in the mind that makes acting out seem like a good idea.
The youtube channles have been a great tool too again. The anti-porn channel from what I've seen so far are women speaking out on the harms and negative aspects of the industry, adding that it is not an indictment on sex, but an attempt to make sex healthier and more wholesome generally, and they seem to think this is not possible if porn's adverse affects to healthy sexuality isn't addressed. A couple of former porn stars share their stories, and it was great to hear how human they actually are, how down to earth they actually were, and more importantly from a recovery standpoint how they easily have shifted their past action to just mistakes they made, and moving on with life without shame or much pity for themselves. the nofap culture is a bunch of guys who really just wan to have a sex life with a partner rather than their hand, but they seem to be given a clarity that helps in other areas of their lives when they work together, talking to each other about "not fapping", and that movement I see if probably going to spread like AA did earlier in it's beginning. Nofap deals more with compulsive pornography watching, anti-porn deals more with actual pornography, or sex addiction where a person is really doing the acting out and not just fantasizing and pleasing themselves as a voyuer. Cure the craving is this guy named Tony Lister (I think it is Lister), who is solid and has many videos of encouragment and honest talk about what is needed or could work if one is serious about not looking at porn as a standard in their lives. I like Lister because his help is not condemning, it doesn't contain any resentment or punishment theory, he's got a great personality, and is open about what he knows, what he's seen, and honestly is doing great work trying to help people who need help in this area. Finally porn harms has all sorts of videos that really detail how porn can ruin or not help a person grow if taken to an extreme and not seen for what it is.
Those are some of the reasources I have used, they all have mainly helped with the clouded mindstate I get from the guilt, and the self-pressure to be a perfect person I put on myself. I think the most helpful thing I've done to not sink into a dark abyss after I act out is to match any time I act out with an immediate action to do something that latches back on to recovery. I will say negative emotions or the denial that negative emotions like anger, hate, envy, irritation, complaining, arguing, manipulating, being selfish, just unchecked negativity towards others and within myself kills any attempt to improve. I also don't think it helps to consistently communicate with people who are either too negative to desire change or who are pessimist and proud of it early in recovery from sexual addiction. These toxic individuals might persuade a weak mind to not want to improve themselves, and it takes courage to ignore them, but if you are feeling guilty, you might choose sitting in that guilt over being courages enough to move away, the most impressive thing about the former porn stars stories where they had the courage to seek a better life, that was really cool.
I hope this helps, I hate to see that this group has sunk to the status of basically no activity, I know way more people have sexual addictions that will ever out right admit it, so I hope this creates a spark in someone, I know for me I feel lighter already with a surely heavy day ahead of me, so thanks.
I hope the day ahead of you is marked by success for living without this. That you have strategies to deal with any failures and be able to get back on track quickly. (Not that I assume you will need that, simply that failure teaches and makes us stronger in the end)
That is why it felt so good to be compulsed in a positive way for once to share my experience the other day. I know now I took advantage of the opportunity, and if the time comes when the question is asked if I was willing to change, I know I was, and my decision to share, much to my illnesses disapproval, will be evidence I have going forward that I did have the courage to change, and I can do it again, if courage is necessary.
Sex addiction isn't just like sex a bit too much, it is such a muddled combination of mostly negative assumptions and beliefs most of us were taught wrongly by prior generations, or a lack of clarity or open-ness when it comes to healthy sexual education and understanding. For instance, the former porn stars finally speaking out, for me personally has already helped with one of my inner circle behaviors, if they would have stayed silent, I would have thought they were enjoying what they were doing, turns out, they hated it and only did it to earn a living. If you just look at their working pictures when they are smiling, and talking on camera "loosely", you'd think they were just very sexual and secure about it, but that's not the case, and it also should be noted that the male performers feel miserable and want to have better lives as well.
Then you have the "important people" in society exploiting sex, in positions of power, too afraid to address the danger of the young person taking that exploitation as truth, and then living years of hell thinking so and so whose famous or "important" was telling the truth with her provocative selfies or their immature half naked wardrobe on the red carpet, and then we wonder why nobody wants to talk about how painful unhealthy sex is.
This is certainly a "road less" traveled recovery, just look at the number here, in the past couple of days, 2 people, me and you chocolate lover, are the only ones doing anything on a support group that factually has 489 members sign-up, I think that is something like 0.20 percent of the whole. That's not even one percent! How do you recover when on fifth of one percent is willing to help not be an addict anymore? Those are terrible odds, but I am not responsible if others are still in denial that their lives suck because they are sex addicts or addicts of any kind, I still have the power, if a desire to be taught by God is there, to change regardless if I have support or not, but it does nothing for the frustration, and is an automatic resentment.
If you're serious chocolate lover, read the SAA material, and utilize Youtube to get the information popular society will never be able to contribute generally, we will always be an immature nation or world when it comes to sex because we've profited off it for so long and aren't interested in profiting no longer, so if you want to progress positively in your recovery from dangerous and harmful sexual addictions, you're going to have to work as if you might not get help from others easily, but don't let that be a dark or hopeless statement, God watches everything and everybody and he'll see your effort, and you'll see he loves you more and will help more than any peer ever could, would, or should.
Thanks for the response.
How has it been going for you? Are there any particularly difficult moments or situations? Do you understand what triggers you?
Does any of this help you?
1. Be Accountable
2. Have support of understanding friends when feeling weak,
3. Plan some distractions - (if they work)
4. Have physical barriers such as locking something away (eg. mobile, tablet?) Locking the key somewhere else and even a third key if necessary?
Hope you will not feel like you are the only one round here. I must admit I find it odd that people come and post just once and then do not come back again to read what people reply with. I guess they just want to let out their feelings rather than genuinely seek mutual advice and support, which is what this is about. If they don't want this, why don't they just write a blog and be done with it.
I like the SAA material because it takes the option of using my own self and my own power to not act out. I think people fail, because their whole attempt of recovery is based on if they just "tried harder", the accountability thing is great for behavioral therapy of people who might be lazy or think they are fooling everyone else with lies, however I find if someone ask me to do the accountability thing, I rebel, and then I question their authority, and my ego becomes alive and I become a major asshole. So maybe the accoutability thing is something I should consider! LOL. This is a great forum for support, if only there were people participating to provide the support, however I think the guilt, or the false guilt produced by self-generated pride, keeps people from taking that initial step to provide a bond or open dialogue. I do agree that distractions like having a weekly routine where every hour of the day is accounted for in a plan, helps not create idle time for a person to either have sex they feel horrible about after, or view porn they really would rather not be wasting time on. I have tried the porn blocker, and the phone I use to view porn wasn't able to download the program, so the fact that I was willing and would have it if the phone would have cooperated is good enough for me, in fact the sexual behavior I participate in that is inner circle for me I am not obsessing over currently.
I think it is important to realize that nobody has ever died from no sex or no porn. The secret agenda of the illness called addiction is to get the user to believe lies that lead to using or acting out. So I think I am going to be accountable by coming here and participating daily, hopefully that will incorporate some friends and support, my schedule is already crazy busy, I am always doing something, even in my down time and when I am not working, so that is in the right direction, and the physical barriers such as my computers and my phone, I was willing to have the porn blocker on, and I am in the stage of I still think professional pornography that is simply about physical beauty and not the exploitation or using of women isn't completely wrong. I think there are some people out there that are liberated by being naked and open, and showing others, this is a middle circle behavior for me, and deep down inside I know I don't really know if that is wrong or not, for me the nakedness of a person isn't shocking, and I think if not abused or addicted to is more or less healthy. The problem with that is my addiction will use it's agenda to get more if I view softcore porn or just women posing in lingerie.
So I think doing some more research or trying to find another porn blocker is worth considering. This is progress not perfection, and that's it.
I really hate the new layout -- the font, the page design, everything. I get a headache from reading long posts in this layout, so I end up skimming, I honestly think if this doesn't change, it may end up being unused altogether.
The SAA material talks about a gradual weaning off period some in recovery take as an approach. For instance after I heard he ex-porn stars speak about how "working" is very painful, both physically and mentally (let alone emotionally), I haven't a strong compulsive desire to see taboo porn like women's fantasies to be overpowered or controlled by men filled with lust (trying to avoid triggering anyone with that description). My compulsion and obsession has now shifted to fantasizing about being the "need" a neglected or lonely "committed" woman who is still very sexually enticing, but not getting her emotional fill or attention in the home, so in a sense, I am fantasizing about being a homewrecker! LOL. The reason I am laughing is if in a regular conversation with sex addiction not being the focal point, I would have argued I wasn't a homewrecker and the woman just "wanted me that bad."
The main point is I'd rather keep it to myself that I want to override the purpose of a marriage bond to feel an intense orgasm, not really caring who the other person is aside from their body, which is not cool, and very selfish, and that is not ok, but it is ok now that I've admitted it, because just like after hearing the ex-porn stars, I have lessened my compulsion to act out in the form of infidelity because I am totally ignoring the fact that it is just using another person to get a better orgasm. I have no consideration about the marriage bond, the value of family, all I'm concerned with is finding relief from my own torturous pride, need to control others, entitlements in attitude, and poor self-esteem and deep insecurities.
So the responsible thing to do is be responsible and not use someone else, and the purpose of me participating in infidelity would be not to enhance a person in a happy-less marriage's life by giving them another marriage option, it would be to just use them as a way to experience a trance of escape and strong euphoria, and that is why I need to stop looking at porn, because if i acted on it, it would hurt another person, because I would be using the person I am having sex with, denying their partner what they are supposed to be giving their selves too, and although my illness wants to dress it up as romance or "the best man winning", it is really just me, wanting to get high, from the drug of porn, because deep down inside I have no argument against being a complete piece of crap, fueled by hatred of self, and hatred of who I am as a person, and need some relief, regardless if it hurts another person.
So accountability I see is doing the right thing, and being responsible, and that helps. The desire to act out just got a little weaker, good stuff.
I went through a stage of being really preoccupied with BDSM ideas. (50 shades has a lot to answer for). My unhealthy interest predates that though. I had an episode with a client at work, half my age who was really into it and I now see was quite predatory. He said at one point that it was on his bucket list to seduce an older lady! Things became sexual but not BDSM or the whole way. I did sext as a submissive and it was all very titillating and just like pornography. I got really obsessed with the contract part of it as portrayed in 50 Shades. I think the reason is because it seemed attractive to relinquish control to a dominant who I believed would do things in a controlled way and do what would bring me most pleasure. I can see it is all such a stupid fantasy. I also see now it is linked to a desire for someone to be in control when I have not been with my Bipolar.
I have definately moved on from that now. My councelling this week also raised the issues of rejection and a desire for approval. That makes sense as well. Wanting to please a dominant etc.
Knowlege is power and self knowledge empowering.....
I stayed away from 50 shades of grey because I think guys like the main character are the problem of the world, and I think women who tolerate them are equally as harmful to greater unity, however when I look at my own flaws, I don't exactly heal the world with what I do, and I especially am not interested in healing the world, some thing people rarely consider before themselves, me included, just this morning I had a thought that I rarely ask what I can do for the world, but often ask what the world can do for me. That is selfish, and if one is arguing it isn't, that is denial.
Recently I've had some adversity to my comfy life, much like a star who all the sudden has more paparazzi around he or she due to their hard work or simply good luck. Attention I don't necessarily want, and I tend to want to escape when the power of living starts to shift or amend the perception of reality as I think it is going. Last night I was met with the choice of going out of the way, to get the device I watch porn on, I decide it was an opportunity to say "no" from God. Then I realized I had several other devices I could have accessed porn on. For some reason I was really obsessing over seeing Kim Kardashian! I don't know how it happened, but I just put on some music, and didn't act out, I just gave up and went to bed, and my thoughts stopped, and that lingering obsession of worry, fear, and angst just left. It was pretty awesome. Now my track record is I go right around 4 days, then I build up testosterone and give myself the ok to release, through porn, if I am angry it is fantasy about "teaching lessons" (rough and controlling), and if I am joyful it is about the conquest of powerful women, mostly older than me because it they were younger I associate guilt with it for some reason. The important thing is I am using fantasy, of using others, to selfishly find release, and that is a big deal, and that is not ok.
We all have a lobido (obviously at different levels and for some it just does not figure much as a part of their lives) a bit like, I am not a 'foody'. I eat to live largely except no one died from not having sex obviously LOL.
That lobido is made by God and for many of us has as important a place in our lives as hunger, thirst, hugs and being accepted.
Now here's thing. Do we really believe that God is OK about times when we need to masturbate? Just as we need to eat when we are hungry or scratch when we itch.
When we eat for comfort and are not hungry or are greedy and gluttons, then we go beyond what is honouring to God.
If we masturbate excessively then we are not giving our time and attention to God but selfishly to ourselves.
If we cannot masturbate honestly and comfortable within ourselves and with God about it, then perhaps we find arousal and release is harder and so we turn to things that titilate.
I know I am seeking to re educating my mind to accept that 'I can masturbate for God'! What an odd thing to say!
The other day when I was really needing to express my body's desire, I managed to do so without 'naughty' images in my mind and that felt like a real step forward. Ok so I did not manage to be entirely pure minded because I was saying words that you would not want to speak in polite company. Thank goodness I do not have touretts.
I will have to work on that one. One thing at once though.
There is a verse in the Bible which says 'do not be drunk on wine but be filled by the Holy Spirit' That is a principal that does not apply only to intoxicant drugs. I have just been pondering how the verse does not prohibit alcohol (some choose to abstain for reasons which I am perfectly fine about and I would not drink alcohol in their presence to be sensitive to them. I would not be happy for them to insist that people who did not share their reasons for abstaining had to, as that is being legalistic and going beyond the Bible. Oops that point went on longer than I meant.
Back to the point. I have been pondering that you could substitute 'drunk on wine' with 'obsessed by sex' or 'binge on cream cakes' or something. The principal is to do with what controls you.
So in my view, sexual drives are legitimate and pleasurable both for married and single people. I am married and I masturbate and so does my husband at times. We both know that, sometimes needs must. If it becomes excessive then we can learn that sex is a self pleasuring act instead of a pleasuring act for another as an expression of love. It took me a long time to get this. During married sex, I had fantasies which focused on me and my pleasure that were often deviant in some way. I largely conquered those and have not had porn images come between us since the age of internet porn.
When I feel the need to express my sexual drive, I can do this without it being naughty or shameful if I understand how this can still be honouring to God. If I do so when it is not so much a needed expression of the way God has made me but a 'wonton act' then this is selfish and may lead to wanting more and more.
There what a long ponder I have had today. Please take it or leave it as you wish. I am not sure how those of no faith could find a way round this but that is because I am a leopard and they are a lion and this leopard cannot change her spots. BTW did you know that leopard spots are on the skin as well!
I am pleased that you have started to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface. I hope these realisations have not added too much extra pressure to your already exhausted and quite probably frustrated self. You are being very harsh on yourself but that is understandable.
In my therapy this week, I have also brought some really 'big' things to the surface and I was absolutely exhausted after the session and falling apart. I had a full blown panic attack later in the day.
I will try to explain what I think but it is OK if you are not in a place to take it in. Maybe come and read it again when you are ready.
Our needs and desires are part of the person God has created. If we need to masturbate then we need to. God knows that and he is not ever cruel. We get hungry, we get tired, we feel sad and need comfort and we express our sexuality.These are fundamentally part of the person God has created.
Some people really struggle with having sexual desire and having sex to the glory of God. They believe that all sex must be shameful. The Church throughout the centuries has got itself into a right tizzy about it.
In the garden of eden these needs were still there but they were not affected by imperfections that came in because of the 'fall'. People wrongly think that Adam and Eve did not have sex before the fall. They had sex, ate and they used the resources in the garden. They were company for each other (marriage was there before the fall and God did not just make sex for procreation). They did all these things to glorify God perfectly and of their own free will.
I am convinced that there is nothing we cannot do to the glory of God. When we are hungry, tired or giving and seeking love and having ambition to be the best at what we do, we can do these things in holiness to worship and honour God.
However no one lives a perfect life and all these things have become warped by the 'fall'. This means they can be abused. People take God's gifts and selfishly abuse them, so do we with our sexuality. That does not mean we cannot express our needs and desires in a pure and God honouring way, we just need to work through these things with God.
We who have problems with expressing our sexuality without porn and sinful thoughts and actions, need to remember that we are no less loved than those who don't struggle with this. Everyone has secret sins but they may not face up to them, choosing to just continue doing them anyway. How do any of us conquer these things?.......We can't conquer sin by just trying to be 'being in control' That makes us like God. We cannot do things in our own strength. That is the key. We need God in his right place and it is right that we live in total dependence on God.
He knows 'we are frail' because we are fallen creatures. God has rescued us from eternal consequences of sin and he has also set us free from the power of sin but that freedom is found when we have God in the right place in our lives. If we leave him out of it then we walk away from the freedom and end up back in the slavery of our sin.
The fact that you and I are admitting to it and thinking about why we are acting out is massively important.
As for your worry about your misogyny, do you think I have not things in my life I know are wrong. The important thing is you know it and it can change. I have hated men because of one man who was an abuser. Your feelings do not cause me any injury. I would like to help if I can.
Our wrong motivations make sense once we understand why and as I said before....knowledge is power and self knowledge is powerful (for change.)
There will be many slip ups along the way but these are the times we will learn the most and appreciate how God loves us and gave his son to die in our place.
To all who read this, these are based on my faith and what I have learned from the Bible. If you do not agree with my view point then just understand that I fully support religious freedom to be people of other faiths or none. I agree with freedom of speech.