Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I have had a porn addiction for a long time & for the first time I felt like I had control over it for months, but I fell back on bad habits. My wife would say that I had an addiction because she would always find out that I would be lying to her about watching porn. She's given me so many chances, but I feel like this was the final straw. There's nothing I could say that could change her mind. I feel that in the 10 years we've been together it's been nothing but lies & mistrust on my end. I finally felt like things were getting better & I ruined things again by watching porn last year. Our daughter had just been born & was only a few months old. She felt like finally having my own family could help me keep me head straight, but I failed & I gave in to my addiction. She gave me one last chance to get help & get my head on straight so that we could be happy & free of worry about what I was doing. Not too long ago I gave in again to my addiction & my wife found out & I lied to her again. I haven't talked to my wife for 2 days & I'm in danger of losing my family, my wife & daughter who's now a little over a year old. I just want to live a normal happy life with my family. I know that I may never fully gain my wife's trust again, but I told her that I'm ok with that. I love her & I love my daughter & I don't want to lose either one of them. I don't ever want to get to a point in my life when I have to ask if I can see my daughter. I want to be the best father I can be & I also want to be a better husband than I've ever been, without the lies, without the mistrust, & without this addiction. I want my wife to know that I love her for who she is & that she is beautiful to me in every way. My addiction has hurt her self esteem & has hurt her perception of who I am. I have an inner devil inside of me that I need to get rid to get my life back on track so that I can make my family happy & get rid of this addiction. I DON'T want to lose my family. I need help & don't know what else to do.
My husband has been battling porn addiction since I found out shortly after realizing that I was pregnant with our first child. Knowing what I know now, I should have left him then and never looked back.
Like you, he promised to quit and would relapse and I would find out. He has also tried the route of addiction support groups like AA and that would work for a bit until like any addict you give in to your impulses and relapse.
My husband has placed the last straw on the camels back and I am ending it.
If you do not wish to have the same fate as me, the only advice that I can give to you is to fight every day to stay diligent/strong in what matters to you most which you say is your wife and daughter. The minute that you give in to your need and not place them first will be the moment that you will give them up.
Stay strong. You can beat it!
Right now I am thinking that the solution is to have such a passion for your God-given Purpose that you realize that sex addiction is a waste of the energy your sexual energy could be used for denting the world by being the guy who delivers his purpose to the world.
This is not about loving your wife and familiy enough to stop though that happens, it is not about denying and boxing in your sexual energy to the limits you are suppsed to, though that happens, it is not about the fear of relapse because you lable yourself an addict. And it is totally not about the porn.
So first, finding your purpose. Simply figure out "what you want." so deeply, so authentically that you have a white hot excitement about it everytime you wake up.
Second, be truely empathetic with your spouse, but also understand that her greatest fears are driving her addiction to the relationship, (Codependency) or holding you at a distance but keeping you around to shore up her intimacy anorexia (addiction to distance)
The other day, my bud pointed out that Sex Addicts spend all their "meeting time" talking about how grateful their wives staying with them after this terrible betrayal. How supportive she is, etc. I also notice that many of these Sex addicts in their late 50s /60s are divorced. Then when you go to an AA or NA meeting, they all say "if the relationship threatens your sobriety, it has to go."
I think this is partly because sex addiction doesn't seem to be life threatening, like ODing on narcotics or a DWI wreck kills you. And because sex is integrated into the relationships while Alcohol is truely the addicts problem and clearly not the partners.
All I am saying is that if I married a codependent, at that time I was attracted to someone who was exactly as screwed up and addicted as I was at that moment. Then we learn to dance. My addict lies, hides and doesn't show up for her emotionally, etc. And her codependent enables you to keep you the bad guy so she can avoid her side of the street, because you are clearly the the problem. Or she uses the Intimacy Anorexia strategies to avoid intimacy that perpetuates your pain and keeps you soothing your pain with the drug.
I am in no way saying that she is responsible for my acting out. I am saying she is resposible for her part of setting up the environment where your addiction is the solution to pain that comes as a result of being in that environment.
The solution: chage the enviroment to support your future self instead of the addict. This will include removing plenty of people from your live, and may include removign your spouse from the environment. Hopefully not, and there are very effective ways to keep this from happening, but any form of blame by anyone is simply a strategy to avoid the pressure of their own resposnbility by putting it onto the other person.
I think intimacy and connection is the opposite of addcition. If we could be as safe telling our truth to our partner than we are telling our sponsor, or the 12 step room, and courageous enough to actually listen to their pain, and own your impact on their pain.
If a sex addict thinks he can stay sober in a sexless marriage, or a marriage they serve their spouses needs out of shame rather than an authentic "labor of love" their plan is just to hold out until they both give up.
We contribute to our environment, so do our partners. Willpower does not work, but setting up your environment to support recovery and purpose, then intimacy happens and it is more than enough to "overcome" the addiction.