"I am afraid to get a job, go out without him, and do things like take a shower while he's hime because everytime I turn my back, he gets right on the computer and looks at porn. "


FINALLY somebody else in this universe that feels the way I do!

I am the exact same way! We argued over my not working, but I was afraid to leave the house or even sleep, because I knew the second I did he would be online looking at porn yet again.

I even found an entire folder of naked pics when he left one day for work.

I have begged...pleaded, but nothign works.

What I do not understand is when I explain to him how much it hurts me nad my feelings, he still does it!

This is part of why my husband and I are separeted at the present moment!!!!!

WOW! I seriously thought there was something wrong with me and that I was the only one who felt this way, as if I was insane for feeling the way that I do! Please keep in touch with me!

Oh Melinda...you and I will end up being the best of friends...you watch!!!!!

Dear Melinda,
I hear your story, and think about all I allowed sex to rob me of. Porn doesn't cause people to hit other people. I'm sure he would love to stop, but he feels like he can't. You both need some help. The hitting thing has got to go though. You need to set some boundaries, and stick to them at all costs. You will begin to feel better about yourself once you do. If you have any questions about men with such problems, feel free to ask me.
En Agape'
Bobby

I certainly agree with the need for your husband to admit he has a problem and to do something to try and curtail the damage. I also recognize your need to have a cutoff point, but I would encourage you to not mention divorce to him when talking about the porn. While you may think this is necessary for him to grasp the seriousness of the situation, he will view it as an attempt to blackmail him into giving up something he likes, very similar to the "If you really loved me you'd..." statements. This will cause him to start to view the subject of blackmail (your marriage) as a bad thing.
It is vital in the rehabilitation of an addict that they know there is someone who cares that they are fighting the temptation, not just someone upset for when they gave in.
When the facts show that something must be done, do it, but do everything you can to ensure emotions are not making facts bigger (or smaller for that matter) than they actually are.

Dear Melinda
I could recommend a few good Christian websites that deal with this www.blazinggrace.org and www.newlife.com
I would also recommend reading the book The Road to Grace-www.roadtograce.com
blazinggrace

Also, I am wondering if it's a bad idea to destroy his porn when I find it? I found 2 of his DVD's that he had hidden in the basement recently, and so I took a knife and scratched them in a fit of rage. He knows I did this, but said nothing at all. The goofy thing is that I now feel bad for destoying something that did not belong to me. But, it hurt so bad that I just couldn't think of anything else to do.

Hun.. I SOO understand your post.. although I have never had the physical abuse.. please be careful! I too am still.. even though my SO doesn't do it at home, only at work.. I am still afraid to leave the house.. get a job.. take a shower.. ect.. That trust has just been so broken and to be honest, I have no clue how to heal this part of me which tears me apart everyday!

My SO and I have had lots of talks about my feeling just as you explained about yours "I feel like I am not enough, like I am ugly, fat, and disgusting."
Hun.. here is my deal.. I have light brown hair.. I am 5'10.. weigh 145 pounds.. am the same age as he is and feel I am far more beautiful in the inside than the out if you know what I mean.. He is use to tight TINY (5'5 100# ect) 18 year old blondes! Even his sister made a comment to me how everyone in the family is wondering what he is doing with me and how I am just so not his 'type' Although she said that I am the prettiest girl he has been with in a long time.. this all haunts me oh so bad! Anyhow, he said something like this.. you know what type of women I am attracted to and know what type I have always been with. He then went on to explain in details all the beautiful sexy women he has had relationships with.. OH YES THIS KILLED ME INSIDE! But then he said something that kinda hit.. he said.. if this was the case, and I didn't feel you were enough for me.. that I didn't think you were young, beautiful, sexy enough, ect.. then, why did I did it with them? HUMM... just something to think about! ((HUGS)) hang in there hun!

I wish I could be 5'10 145! LOL I guess all women wish they were a different hight and size, huh? (Before having my son I was 135 and thought I was "too big"-boy don't I miss those days now!) I am willing to bet that you are gorgeous!
So.... from what I am getting from everyone I have talked to on here is that it has nothing to do with what we look like or what we weigh, but it does still hurt- ALOT!

Hi Melinda,
I don't think that trying to control your husband's time alone is going to do much for his addiction. He will just find another way. The addiction will still be there, whether he can indulge it 1 hour or 10 hours a day. The root cause is still there.
I found out about my H's addiction only after divorce was looming ahead. I now realize he was never really with me in the relationship. He always had a curtain of lies between us. Right now his main concern is still trying to hide and lie.
Maybe Big Red could tell us how he came realize he had a problem and what he is doing about it.

It is true. They have the addiction, we do not. Yet it is we who feel so lousy when we mistrust them because of fears of recurring events from past behavior. Read the book called Boundaries. It will help in some ways. A little goes a long ways, it is a deep book lol. It is freeing to know that you are not the cause of his problem.

Ladies this has nothing to do with looks or size. I am 5 foot 2 105pounds a size 2 and I draw mens attention all the time but I can't get him to keep his attenion on me. I'm told that I am beautiful and I get hit on all the time. So has nothing to do with you or the looks. Its a chemical that is released when they are in the midst of the addiction that makes them go back to it. Somewhat like Herion. It has to be up to him to quit and acknowledge that it is running and ruining his life. You can help him by giving him the stakes and keeping true to what you promise as long as he is not sober. My husband is now in SA and its the best thing that ever happened to us. He is sober today and he will proudly tell you so. Do I trust him? No I can't trust him but I try. I will always feel those feelings of ugliness, no self worth and not being enough for him. Once I decided and realized it wasn't me then that helped alot but the trust will probably never be fully where it originally was. This is a decision you need to decide is whether you can live your life feeling like that. Unless he is sincere and willing to change its just a down hill battle and will continue. These writing sound just like me. I would be afraid to leave and go to work on saturdays as he would spend the day online and I was afraid if I didn't have sex with him on friday nights that he would look and he looked anyways. I'd leave at 5am and the history showed he was on there at 5:05am...until sometime around 1pm. Its an obsession and it will take over your relationship in marriage at some point. If anyone would like to talk to me about the SA and how its worked for us please email me. Good luck! Big hugs! I know where your at.