Do something different, calm but drastic. Make it clear that you do not condone the behavior without creating an environment of judgement.

Me or the porn is your message.

Format the PC.
Throw the PC away.
Pack and go to a hotel. Leave a note and tell him you will be back when he has committed to counseling, told his pastor what is going on, or got the PC out of the house.
Strike that.... pack his things and tell him in a note that he needs to be out of the house by the time you get back at 10pm, and he can come back when he has committed to counseling, told his pastor what is going on, got rid of the PC.

Go to an s-anon meeting and tell the story you just told. Get in relationship with other women who have been here, and see what kind of advice they have for you.

Read out of the shadows by patrich carns.

PREY HARD.

I am a little confused. Does he considers himself to be addicted and tries to stop, or does he think that pornography viewing is normal?

He thinks porn is normal. He thinks every man does this and SA behavior is a great, beautiful thing to be doing.

To be more clear, he has said that he would try not to do it because he knows it makes me uncomfortable and he doesn't want it to control him. He wants to control it. So I haven't feared walking into the room with him in it for awhile...

There are few levels of knowing...

1. Not even knowing you have a problem
2. Realizing you have a problem
3. Learning to fix your problem
4. Being able to teach others how to fix your problem...

Its sounds like your H is at step 1... And that it is the hardest part. The only way I know of man realizing that they do have a problem, is by ruining everything they can. Usually they lose their jobs, get caught by their spouses and are threatened to lose their family... Only then and only some of the men realize that they have a problem... I am personally am looking for a way to explain to other man the dangers of their activities before they hit rock bottom, but so far I have mostly met just blank stars, and at best people disregard me as some kind of crazy...

The book that did it for me was Don't Call it Love by Patric Carnes... I've read it and I could relate to every story. May be he will agree to read it too? May be it will make him realize too? You can get it in library near you (http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/22314007)

I don't know what else to tell you. I will pray for both of you.

Em: I have to agree with Choose on this. I don't see a healthy way for you to just ignore his duplicity and unconcern for your feelings. The actions you just described are so very hurtful. Acknowledging the truth of your feelings is first and foremost. You can't have a relationship with no feelings? I can't. Isn't that what a relationship is about...feelings? Supposed to be good feelings, like the great weekend together? Then the bad feelings those actions create?

So, for me, thing is...if they are bad feelings, then what kind of relationship is that to be without extinguishing them? And, from my personal view, there is no way to forgive someone who is not sorry, so that wouldn't be an option for me at that point.

That would just be enabling the behavior in my view. He knows it's not okay if you have already talked to him about it before. So what are his actions telling you? Actions speak much louder than words to me. They are a clear indicator of what is going on inside someone. What do his actions say to you?

It seems that your H commends you for interacting with him, (doing things that make him happy) and then devalues that interaction again within minutes knowing that it hurts you and distances you from him? Devasting when I discovered that my H had done that.

He tells you that he values the closeness that you allow, and then also chooses to do whatever else pleases him too, outside your relationship with him? Seems a little one-sided to me. That's how I felt anyway.

I SAW that my H was like that. So, when I saw that he felt that way, by his "actions", I decided that I had to do whatever was necessary to address the bad feelings in my relationship with him in order to be true to myself, him and the relationship....whatever the cost. I wasn't willing to play the "all about his little world" game and ignore how I felt, or stuff what I felt. That's what it felt like to me anyway. I can't know the truth of how he feels, I can only know the truth of what he does. And that, I can address...with the truth.

Choose is right...and you're right...yelling won't help, unless of course it makes you feel much better. I did that instead of the alternative, walking away. I think that you need to do what makes you feel better, whatever that may be.

If he is truly celebrating life, it's because he is carefree...and free of care.. for your feelings. How very convenient for him. But, you can't be free of care for your feelings, only YOU can care for those. So, tend your feelings. If you can talk to him about those, do it quietly if you can...and if you can't, then that's how you feel. You do have a right to feel something...right? What do you feel? Can you put it into words?

If he doesn't listen, there's nothing you can do about that. Sharing your feelings is being vulnerable and an open invitation for him to listen, to care enough to want to interact on a positive level with you. But, if he won't, then your only option is to protect yourself. That's how I feel anyway.

Were my H to interact that way with me, I would not be silent and allow it. What could that possibly gain, but suffering in silence and enabling him to continue with what I am disturbed about. I would not treat myself, him, or the relationship like that. So, because I valued part of the relationship, I was open to discussing the part that was destructive to it. Meaning, I gave him an option, he could choose to value the relationship, or he could choose to value his other activities, but not both. I asked him to choose.

Isn't this awful, we have to just wait , suffer and dread finding out this kind of betrayal over and over. There is no happiness for the spouse of a porn addict. I always feel like the rug will be pulled out from me again if I trust him in any way. I am living my life in Limbo not knowing what he will do next and what secret will come out today. Our h sound like the same person. Totally self centered. Please do something for yourself and start making yourself happy in some way. Thats the only way to help yourself. I've come to realize how his sickness is destroying my life. ChooseaUs you are so right with your advice. Well done.!!

I guess I would have several things to say on this subject. The first is that you need to EMPOWER YOURSELF, AND NOT CONTINUE TO ENABLE YOUR HUSBAND. That means taking some, or all of the recommendations that have already been shared.

The most important thing you need to do for your husband is something called "Raising the Bottom". An addict will NEVER get into recovery unless and until they reach rock bottom. Now that bottom is located in different places for different addicts. Some have a fairly high bottom, while for others, the bottom is fairly low. Some, apparently, have no bottom at all, and for them, recovery will never come. Unfortunately, this is where most addicts find themselves. Most never get into recovery, they instead die in their disease. So what does all of this mean to you?

You must take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and your son from your husband's insanity. As has been suggested, tell him he has to move out of the house. If necessary, file for an order of protection against him. File for legal separation and demand that he pay you maintenance and child support, and refuse to allow him to have custody of your son. Supervised visitation is fine, but no custody.

Go to an S-Anon or a Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. If you'll go to the "Recommendations" tab at the top of this page and click on it, you will find out how to contact these groups. Each group should have a "Where and When" listing that shows all of its groups all across the country, indexed by state. See if there is a meeting that is convenient for you. If not, check out the online groups and the telephone meetings. Something should work for you.

And finally, get into counseling for yourself. You can find a list of certified sex addiction counselors on the website maintained by the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (www.sash.net/) and the website maintained by Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, Sex Help (www.sexhelp.com/).

Whatever you do, DO NOT allow the status quo to continue. You need to shake things up and get his attention. You owe this gift of sanity to yourself, and to your son!

Okay - I decided to tell him me or counseling. And this time a REAL therapist that I choose, not a counselor who says open marriage and poly-amorous lifestyles are just great. Then his grandmother goes into a coma and hospital. I think, well, this is a terrible time to do this...but then I thought, no actually it is the perfect time. I told him I wanted to be there for him and his family through this time, but only if he is really there for me and he agrees to therapy with someone who specializes in addiction counseling. i didn't do it well at all. Totally angry and judgmental. He said a lot of garbage back, including quoting a local columnist who writes a sex column. The columnist says the only porn contract that works in a marriage is the one where the husband looks at porn and the wife keeps silent about it!! I'm stunned he believes this emotional abuse is normal reality...actually, not stunned because I have lived with this emotional abuse for years...just sad. But in all the garbage he sent my way, a couple truths came out. One is he said he wishes he didn't need it everyday. The other is he said he would go, if for nothing else to prove to me by a certified addiction counselor that he doesn't have a problem. So my next step is to make an appointment. I'm not very optimistic because he is no where near a rock bottom, and I feel like it will be another session with a lot of BS coming my way. But a little hope that a framework for a discussion will develop. And if it doesn't, then I'll try the note approach again (we already did that once). Emotionally tired now...just got back from last rites...

I know I am being very presumptuous, but how far do you think you will get by telling him he needs all of this. Therapy, hitting rock bottom, etc? These expectations are most likely going to add to your dissapointment until he is ready to get it done.

You said, counseling or me. Did you mean it?

I don't know...I feel like I am spinning my wheels in therapy and s-anon...I feel like just disappearing for a few days until I can get my head together and come back and mean it. I'm trying to find the strength to mean it.

Em: My H, also was into porn. Sounded somewhat like yours. So, when I discovered his activities, which he had hidden from me for many many years.

I didn't try and address his problem, I addressed mine. He was obviously perfectly content with doing exactly as he was doing. So, the problem I needed to address was mine. I didn't want to live that way. My choice...not his.

I gave him an ultimatum that I knew I could back up. Go to a counselor, find out if your beliefs are sound, then tell me what you intend to do. I already knew what I would do if he came back from the counseling and insisted that he was to continue his activities.

I would do what I had to do for me. I would address MY problem. I would leave him to do what he wanted and I would get out of his way. I am responsible for what I will allow and what I won't in my life. So, "I" had to set those boundaries in place, once sure of what I was willing to do.

My H found that his counselor did not agree with his analysis. He accepted that. And he changed his behavior. He also could have just decided to disagree with the counselor and continue anyway. His life. His right.

Had he chosen to continue, I would of course allow him that choice. Then I would make mine based on his decision. Continue and I leave. Simple and pure.

What are you willing to do?

Thanks for those thoughts Sheen. I've had a big week. Basically started talking to people who can love and support me and help me with my plan to leave...people who will back me up and help me mean it when I say me or addiction. People who will help me out of the shadow. I am feeling hugely supported and loved right now. I'm ready to take the next step...I'll keep you posted.

Let me make myself clear. I do not believe your marriage vows are between you and your husband. They are between you and God. So are your husbands. So it is important to know that seperating to change the boundaries or to keep yourself safe is very appropriate, but I would be very careful notto do anything that would destroy the possibility of reconciliation.

I am leaving until this and this and this. Not I am leaving, period. There is no hope in that absolute, and it is my belief that Godhates divorce for that very reason, i also believe h says notto get remarried so there can be reconciliation even after a divorce.

Go to a recovering couples anonymous meeting. There are usually several re- Married couples who regret they ever got divorced. And it is usually the one who initiate it that regrets itthe most. There is hope.

I also clearly understand that your husband has broken his vows to God in his adulterous infideliy, but trust me and other men here, God can heal that! There is hope. Your job is to figure out what a boundary is and how to use it to grow and love in a safe relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

Em: I'm glad to hear that you have folks who will love and support you in whatever decisions you feel you need to make at this time. That is so important. Embrace their love for you and let them help you. Sometimes it's very hard to ask for help, and to let someone help. I know it is for me. I so fear letting someone help me.

You said that your H says, "He just thinks there is something wrong with me for not joining in the fun and celebrating life like he does." I wouldn't know how to work with that either.

Choose seems to know more ways to work with that kind of attitude than I do, Perhaps he knows a response to that analysis that I don't. I would really like to hear it. I could learn something I don't know.

As far as the future is concerned, you don't know what that is, that's true. None of us do. We can only "act" in the present with the actual information we have available at the time. Perhaps things may change in the future, Choose is right about that. But, no one can forsee the future, if we could, we wouldn't make errors.

Choose: On this, "I also clearly understand that your husband has broken his vows to God in his adulterous infideliy." He has not only broken his vows before God, he has broken his vows to her, as did my H. Can you agree that wedding vows are made to the partner, before God, in his presence? My H didn't vow to God that he would be true to him, he vowed to me, that he would be true to me, in the presence of God and witnesses. What about that part?

God has this absolute ability to deal with vows broken to him...and he does. But, what of the vows our Hs promise to us? I guess that means nothing at all? My H can lie, cheat, whatever he wants to do to me, and then expect God to fix that? I think that God expects that he fix that. Yes? No?