Stay sober

There is a really good book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse written by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, it is for spouses of sex addicts but it is very helpful for addicts too. It explains the stages of healing after discovery. You will never be able to fix her, all you can do is stay sober, in recovery, show her you are willing to do whatever it takes and support her. Sadly, there is no going back to fix the acting out but you can move forward in recovery. Honestly not doing it anymore is the only way to slowly start rebuilding your marriage.

I've fallen so many times in the past. I just want to deserve her support. She doesn't believe me or believe in me. I guess it's just up to good works and time?

There are reasons why you have fallen in your recovery process. Are you in therapy? Are you attending 12 step? Do you have a sponsor? Have you got rid of all ways to access porn?

I am starting therapy again. I have gotten rid of porn access. I know this time will be different. I just wish she could see it. But I understand why she doesnt

She keeps saying I never get punished when this happens. Only she does by my actions. How do I respond. How do I sympathize

I am glad to hear that you understand why she doubts you. To be very honest I still struggle with that from time to time and my husband is 4 years sober, no porn, no masturbation, nothing. If i am triggered by something i can very easily spin into ...he must be doing.... mode...I am way better at distinguishing between a trigger for me and working through that and not always assuming he must be doing something. Its how you respond to her that will rebuild trust and in turn your marriage. Have empathy, be gentle, and understanding. Stop telling her you are sorry instead tell her what you are doing to make sure you are sober. Tell her you love her, and that you are going to show her with behaviors not just words. Her saying you arent punished is kind of true, really, but there is so many levels to why you turned to porn. Life isnt really about punishment, you too have lost alot to this addiction, she is hurt, and who could blame her.

Thank you Cin. Appreciate the words. It's a lot to take in

I can tell you that it will be worth it...my marriage is 100 times better then it was. My husband is now the man, husband, dad, employee that he always wanted to be. He has dealt with alot of family issues and PTSD from the military. Sex addiction was for sure a way to cope with alot of crap in his life. Stay sober it really is the only way you will rebuild your marriage and your life. You CAN do this.

I've found that a lot of partners of sex addicts have trouble owning their part in the dysfunctional relationship dynamic, especially in the beginning. The shock of the betrayal trauma is really heavy. My partner really struggled with this when we first entered recovery. I worked very hard to be consistent and honest to give us both a safe environment in which to heal. Once that basic need was met, we were both safe to explore our own wrongdoing and own them. We began to trust each other to monitor our own behavior and adjust as necessary and realize when we have done something wrong. I think one partner's want to punish the other stems from fear that they will never hear that ownership or recognition that the behavior hurt.

Hmmm not sure what to think about that? I mean is there some dysfunction in pretty much every marriage? I think so. I think as a marriage evolves over time we can very easily start falling in the same communication downfalls. And yes after a spouse finds out that their partner is a sex/porn addict there is a ton of shock and betrayal. That being said is it the spouses part of the dysfunction that is to be blamed for their husbands acting out? turning to sex? Those that turn to sex/porn for an outlet due to resentments almost always start at childhood. From abuse, or neglect, being exposed to sex/porn at an early age. How is that the spouses issue? I cant remember what the stat actually is but it is very high that most sex addicts have been sexiallu abused in childhood. I cant think of any way that a wife is responsible for the addicts choice of outlet? To the spouses of sex addicts you are in no way to blame for your husbands actions. You take no responsibility for his actions. Those are on him and him alone. Of course after discovery you need help in the form of therapy or a life coach or whatever. You also will benefit greatly from marriage therapy as well. Learning new ways to communicate effectively, learn to forgive, trust. The addict needs to learn new ways to outlet things in his life. Learn to earn trust, be empathetic, understanding. And then as the addict gets therapy and the spouse gets therapy and you get therapy as a couple you will learn that in order to salvage and save a marriage after relational betrayal this journey is really more successful when you take full responsibility for your acting out, both learn ways to better your marriage. PLEASE spouses your partners addiction has NOTHING to do with you.

Candycin, thanks for clarifying your perception of the issue. I think that's very valuable for us to see your understanding and where you're at. Like with everyone else, I can hear/read your opinions and realize that they are just that -- your opinions. Being subjective and emotional creatures, what we say can be colored by our emotions. I can sense resentment and anger in many of your posts. Maybe something you can learn to realize and own as you grow.

I am not here to debate with you. I learned in recovery to say what I mean, so do not extrapolate from what you read. I did not say that the partners of sex addicts are at fault for the addiction, did I?

This forum is meant to be helpful for people who are struggling with sex addiction. I think your opinions are very valuable as a partner of a sex addict. However, as a sex addict myself, I think I have a slightly different perspective, which is not more or less valuable than yours. I'm here to offer my own experience. If you continue to be adversarial and resentful, I will choose to not respond to your posts. I hope we can be friendly and contribute in a healthy way to the struggles of people who come here for support.

That said, I agree completely: the only person responsible for my addiction is me. My spouse is in no way responsible for my acting out. We sure had our share of difficult times, but this was not the cause of my addiction. The dysfunctional dynamic I was talking about is a product of two people who came from a line of dysfunctional families. A lot of our issues stem from family of origin. That's always really difficult to work through.

I certainly don't need to debate with you. I have no anger or resentments towards you or any other addict. Our experiences are not the same at all other then the addiction. Take care.

The great thing is how we can get different perspectives from different people. It's about what I take in and get from it