Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Today is day 8 of no looking at pornography. Its been a rough ride these last eight days. My comforting act calls me. I have a good support system going. I have two dear friends that are helping through this haze of sex and pornography. They know me really well and talk me through some very trying times. Another thing I've been doing is turning off the computer when I get feeling like I need to look at the porn sites. I am not surprised at how little time is spent on the computer now. I went from spending 5-6 hours at a time to maybe 2 hours. That 2 hours is spent writing poetry and chatting with friends. I am also praying. I have been sleeping more. One day at a time is ringing true. I now pray that I get through today without looking or acting out. Keeping it that simple has been a help to me. I feel so good.
I just returned from the pool and after entering my apartment I broke down in tears. I have been rather delusional all day thinking I was being watched by an invisible spirit in my house, a secret agency or someone on my computer, and it has been just a weird taxing day. I've been active all day, but suddenly felt bored in the evening. Due to recent outburst I have lost some support on this site. I refuse to retreat however, I must push on. This absence from pornography, while very healthy is opening my eyes to things that are bringing me deep sorrow. I was in the pool and there were 4 other people there. 2 older women and two young girls. I entered the pool angry again. but instantly cooled down as I touched the water. As I swam around the two young girls entered the pool area. They started swimming around me and I didn't pay it any attention being it is a communal pool and there are no boundaries except the outside walls offcourse. They kept getting closer to me and I was thinking about sex. I wasn't thinking about sex with them, I was just in general thinking about sex because it brings me relief when I am angry so I naturally go there. They started talking to me and I couldn't help but notice they had colorful eyes. Then they wanted to "play." They wanted me to get out of the pool and look at the crafts they had made with the fallen tree branches and other things. I didn't get out cause I was aroused yatayatayyata, but I realize it was their eyes that were making me feel good inside. I kept telling myself to chill out, chill out, but I was addicted to their eyes. One had beautiful green eyes and the other had hazel eyes that were so gorgeous. I was able to be mature about the situation and realized since I am just acouple of months removed from the act involving the addiction it was purely a physical reaction to the color. I used to gaze into the eyes of the models when I watched the images on my computer. I'm realizing that watching the material has essentially burned these images into my mind and I feel helpless when I see these types of eyes with fair skin.
It wasn't a big deal, and I just sat there and talked to the girls like a mature adult, being that I have a niece and know a little bit about young girls. How they constantly talk and have so much energy and wanna hang onto you and are very touchy feely. The little ones bathing suit top even came unstrapped and I politley tied it back up for her.
But then something incredibly sad happened and this is the reason why I came to tears. AlL the sudden the little one bolted out of the pool as if I was abandoning her when I was too busy listening to the other ones question. My dumb ass had an erection thinking about the availability of their Mothers and also from the attention. So I couldn't get out of the pool to go check on her. I continued to talk to the older girl who clearly wasn't as concerned about my attention because I was giving it to her, but I was silently wishing that the other girl would come back into the pool so I could talk to her again. I was able to get out of the pool unaroused and as I walked to get my towel the little one was in her Mothers lap with a very sad look on her face, like I really disappointed her.
I feel so guilty right now. I mean in tears balling guilty right now. It was a minor event but I have disappointed those same eyes and that same skin so much in the past it just makes me feel like a complete wreck.
I'm glad I can see that I have a long way to go before I can start dating and treating women how God wants me to treat them which is with love.
Man this is hard.
John Wyatt.
I haven't said "welcome" yet so hi and welcome. Please keep writing; it seems that all it takes to be a good writer is to be a willing writer. We need you here.....
John....John....
What are we ever going to do with you? Love you I guess. Please make it easier by a little tiny bit...okay?
You aren't alone. I see how hard you struggle; restless and confused. You aren't alone in these things that you are going through. I sure thought I was alone until recently.
John, you talk about God a lot.
I had stopped posting here and I came back here now just to talk with you, I could tell you that I've have hard the hardest struggle of my life lately; but I won't. I will tell you about how God has let me come to him. And how He is enough in all things; I won't talk about me today though; you just wouldn't believe me anyway.
Tell me about your prayer life, will you? How close can you get? Have you figured out how to pray yet? Can you feel loved and comforted? John? If you have always suspected that God would really give you peace and give your heart and mind a home; then you'd be right. It just seems like you need this as much as I do and I feel lead to share this with you.
How "close" can you get? Can you get close enough to Him to be protected from what bothers you? Can you hide in Him?
You and I have a lot in common; we have NOT done well with our thinking and our words, especially our words. We didn't know better. It's all we had.
I don't think I ever knew how to get close until recently. I never thought He would actually talk to me and be my friend. It's ackward now that He had been my last resort and had been waiting for me to come to him. I'm very grateful that He waited for me so long and was willing to even let me suffer. I poured my heart out to him and He loved me back so much that nothing else seems to matter now.
Maybe..... talk to God like this:
May I come to You?.....Silence.......
May I seek You and find You?.....SIlence.....
Will You give me the words and thoughts to talk to you with?.......Then pour your heart out to Him and get as close as you can get. He will let you get close and your heart and mind will be safe: I'm just passing on this promise that He has made to me. I hope the same promise works for you too.
For the future: nobody will ever say that that you haven't come a long way. For now it will be enough to see you calmer when you write here and I think you will be too. I think this is a good time for you John.
Early riser? Thanks for letting me write here on your post. You have every reason to be proud of yourself. You have my support. I see that you have recovered from other problems as well and yet here you are now....I am really inspired to think we might be on the same path together. Let's talk....
Arthur
If I am close to God then there is no pornography and sex addiction. Will He let me get that close to Him? Yes He will....He is my heart and home now....I just wanted to share this with you guys. Thanks a lot.
This is the problem as I see it, it is just words and words can be interpreted in different ways from different minds. I recently had to ignore a user who in my mind was accusing me of stalking! I even have hard core evidence he did so. I don't even have a car! lol. Also the young woman I was talking to didn't even give me her address but did offer her phone number which I refused initially. Does a stalker refuse a number? Does a stalker write the "victim" a note that says the two should just cease communication because she is not emotionally mature enough to realize their are actually good guys out there with energetic personalities that afraid to comment on beauty because they have no guilt by doing it because they have no wrong intentions?
His recent post said that I needed in patient treatment! I've been inpatient 7 times and my psychiatrist would agree with me that it is not necessary right now since I talk to him weekly, he would know. I need inpatient when I don't know what I need, I know I need to grow up, but do you think an inpatient program that gives you jello, one meeting in 24 hours, 5 minutes with a psychiatirst, and the rest of the time to sleep, smoke (which I no longer do) and watch television is going to help me with what he percieves as a problem?
No, and yes I do have anger because everytime I write something that comes from the heart in a theraputic manner the response is horrible. I'm over it, I'm going to work on my other problems and embrace sex for what it is negative consequences or not.
I am so dissapointed with most of the comments I've recived by just being myself that I no longer am asking you all for advice and going straight to the experts.
Good luck finding the rafts amongs your ships sinkage. I'll be on the beach with the experts writing notes, keeping them to myself.
And again, It's obvious that we just don't worship the same God.
Never see y'all again.