Sorry this is so long. I understand the feeling of “throw it all away” after a relapse. I’ll assume your Christian since you said you go to church. That’s where I felt like I was a hypocrite. A bad event happened to my family members and I moved in with them. My healing plan for them was first and foremost get to church and give your life to Christ. So for several years I was leading them through this process. One did give her life to Christ and another that believed but inactive strengthened his relationship by adding regular Sunday services and other habits. So as I am providing strength through Bible verses at the same time I would wait for them to go to bed and then lock myself in my closet and spend time with porn. They to this day don’t know. So I’m Christian and active at church and in a small group and a porn addict.

After my stay with them I quit for four years. And then relapsed. So I threw that Christian foundation away because my guilt and shame made me unable to approach Christ. Then social anxiety and isolation entered the picture. I completely dropped everyone in my life except immediate family. And I felt like I was a complete lie to them. Absolutely no one knew who I was inside and what I was going through. I was completely defeated, and felt like a wasted loser of a human being. I had suicidal thoughts and no hope.

You got with a counselor from church and it helped and I bit the bullet and got in a small group at church and it completely changed me yet still an addict but no longer a daily habit.

Please don’t feel like a hypocrite. It ultimately leads to depression and separation. Consider instead the good work you do. And you do service work for the Lord. You lift people up and bring them out of a spiral into darkness. You are a wonderful success story. God is smiling down on you even though both you and I are Christians with addiction. Remember Jesus was flesh like us. He was tempted with every temptation we have. He simply did not give in and sin. He knows us, he has chosen us, and placed his heart and spirit in us. He takes our addiction and killed it on the cross. He does not define us as addicts. We repent and It has no power over our salvation.

I encourage a continuation of work with that counselor or get in a group from a church. You know you will not experience judgement but only acceptance and encouragement.

The most effective drug counselors are those that have experienced addiction. Your addiction may be enabling your effectiveness in their lives and you don’t even know it. You are not a hypocrite because they are completely different addictions. If you were a meth addict and a pot user to bring you down then you could consider hypocrisy.

Take measures to reduce addictive behaviors and don’t look at the big picture but rather take it hour to hour and by the day.

I learned to grow in Christ by prayer, the Word, devotions, listening to christian music and services. I have reduced my feeling of shame by defining myself the way God defines me rather than believing my definition of me created by addiction. Find that person or persons you can trust and talk about it. You will come out of the feeling of hiding and it’s okay if your clients don’t know. You can lead them out of addiction and your can Do the same thing at the time.

You are immensely valuable and use your knowledge to help others. The very definition of the Lord’s work work. You are the child of your Creator. He has chosen you specifically to be the heir to his holy riches and eternity. He will place you on his throne and you will enjoy HIs unconditional love and see Him as he is. And we will leave our addiction buried under the dust of the temporary earth.

You got this. Don’t give up. You are not a hypocrite. We do not have to define ourselves by our addiction. God thinks you are unique’ wonderful. Continue the great and significant and important and needed work you do. You can be proud of yourself and stand tall. You got this. Don’t give up.

Thank you I needed to hear that. I need to get back with that counselor he was hard on me but effective. I been following the Lord for 3 years now but I'm convinced he has been saving me my whole life. I cant seem to break this addiction its turned into a fast habit. I notice when I pick the good coping mechanisms to my loneliness or depression that I feel full of life and it just flows. That's prolly what I hate the most knowing what God has done and lacking the trust in this area of my life. With relationship

That’s exactly where I am. This is from a devotional someone sent me this morning

Instead of attempting to be determined on our own with a NO, we have to find a BETTER YES by remembering what awaits us at the finish line:

A transformed heart.

A greater hope.

A deeper character.

A fresh perspective.

A tale of faith and hope.

An encounter with God's faithfulness.

Today, in those wilderness places where you've lost hope, are wrestling with temptation or are staring struggles straight in the eye, find your better YES. Head towards the finish line and let God guide your steps.

Reflection
Think of the places where you are suffering, struggling or battling temptation. Why do you want to give in and give up? How have you lost heart and hope?

What would finding a "better yes" look like in this situation? How can you display perseverance, character, and hope?

Prayer
God, You never gave up on me so I will never give up on You. I trust that You are shaping my heart and have a higher purpose for my days. Help me to take another step of faith today, knowing that You are using everything I encounter to mold and shape me. In Your name, Jesus. Amen.