Well I think the title says it all. I am getting a divorce. Not my choice per se. On April 20th, about two and half weeks ago. I inquired to my husband about his whereabouts and he really blew up on me and told me he was going to file for divorce. He left me with no reason, but that he was tired of being micromanaged and feeling like he was living under a microscope. I don't believe that I was micromanaging him with the exception of the filters that he accepted to put on his phone and computer. He eventually took off the filter on his computer.

Throughout our time being married- well after d-day in October- things spiraled downhill. I experienced so much of him that I never would like to experience again with anyone. I saw how cold, manipulative, controlling, detached, and aggressive he could be. I felt so isolated, uneasy, paranoid, hyper-vigilant, and alone. I feared for my safety as well as my children's and our family dog's safety on numerous occasions. I know this sounds cliche but he was not the man I married at the alter.

Throughout this divorce he has managed to lie, control, and try to manipulate everything. He has tried to get me for abduction of our child, when there was no evidence behind it. It has disrupted all our lives to say the least. It is hard on my son even though he is only 10 months old. Things could have been handled so differently. Now my son is put in the middle of everything my husband throws my way and it's saddening. He said he only married me for the baby... which I already expected... but it hurt being confessed finally.

It amazes me that this is happening all because for what I feel I was just trying to change a behavior. I feel like the rug was pulled from underneath me and I valued marriage so much. I exhausted all our options to try to make this marriage work, and he resisted every one of those things. Nothing mattered. Nothing worked. It saddens me that this addiction won. I mean maybe there was something more there, but it's hard to imagine, besides that he just didn't genuinely love me either.

I can't really pinpoint how I feel. I feel detached and indifferent. I do have my moments of being sad but they don't last very long. I just have no family here where I am at or friends because I was always confined to the house. I feel alone sure, but not a feeling I'm unfamiliar with. He has tried to talk to me just to talk like we are friends, but I honestly don't care what he's up to or what's going on with his life. I tried to talk the night he threw divorce at me and for the past 11 months and he hasn't wanted to. Now I don't care to unless it involves my son. On a positive note, I see the blessings this have given me. I live more relaxed and healthy. I live more happily in some senses. I don't live in fear or paranoia anymore. And it took this to really see the unhealthy environment I was living in.

So I am going to walk through these next few months, that I'm sure are going to be hell to walk through- but I'm going to do it with my head held high knowing that I tried all I could, I can't force something that's not there. And I am going to add this to my story. After all it is a chance to start over- even though this isn't what I wanted in order to start over- this is what God has given me at the moment so I am going to embrace this journey.