2early,

I have stopped posting for a spell and giving myself a break from all the infighting going on for reasons I do not quite understand.

However, I need to say that sometimes support can sound like criticism and other times support can be seen as criticism by others who are struggling and someone tells them what can be done about their issue.

Addiction, in my experience can leave us defensive and leaves us with a tendency to justify our struggle and position much to the irritation and frustration of those who are trying to help.

There was a time when I would repeat myself to someone who was "not getting it" regarding the seriousness of their addictive levels, now if I see them making the same mistakes, I simply mention it once again and stop.

I learned from my own life, that when someone is not ready, they are not ready, no amount of guidance will suffice. We can only do so much.

One thing I learned from my own addictive cycle was never to take anyone's opinion to heart, recovery left me with no ego to protect and I am much better off now than I was trying to do the impossible: justify an addiction that was eating away at my own soul.

Lastly, I also learned that true support is to say thing as they are and call them for what they are. Of course, it has be done in a compassionate and caring manner, it is a very fine line to walk but it can be done.

The unkind thing would be to give them a "there, there care bear" line and allow them to wallow in their muck when the kinder thing would be a swift kick in the verbal nards.

My two rubles' worth,
Wolf

We need to get DS to have either a LIKE or a ME TOO! button for posts like the above two.

agreed...I think its also important to remember that recovery takes all forms,,,what works for one person might not work for another, but its important that people keep an open mind, something you might not agree with might be just the advice/support another person needed at that moment. I know I have really found some great insight from the majority of the members on this forum. Variable said it a few weeks ago about just being supportive and not always having to be right...I know I had my fair share of mud slinging both here and through private messages, but for the majority I am thankful for the support both my husband and I have received here too.

It's exactly that, that the big bone of contention is the practice of taking other people's inventories, whether it is an absent spouse or a present group member, and I am tired of it.

wolfie said a lot of good things, in a way that was focused on self. " I also learned that true support is to say thing as they are and call them for what they are. Of course, it has be done in a compassionate and caring manner, it is a very fine line to walk but it can be done. "

I know one of my faults is in that, if I present something I know is true, and somebody doesn't 'get it',, I keep thinking that if I explain it better it will become more clear. That's not always the case. So it is a lot about when a person is ready to hear something and adjust to it as a truth. fine, but in the meanwhile, when I see other people being detrimentally affected by that it's hard for me to just keep quiet and let it happen. I guess I have to remember the 'let go and let God" principle myself.

Also, we know that life happens even in recovery groups, and that a big part of what we have to learn is better social skills, outside and inside the rooms.

PS... It occurred to me that we need to define the term "support'. What does support actually mean? as wolfie said, does it mean the 'there, there, carebear' thing? or does it mean being honest ? really honest both ways. And what if we don't agree?

A lot of the root problems of addiction are actually problems with relationships, and with conflict resolution skills. Yes, we have conflicts. That's inevitable in any relationship becfause we are human. The key is in how we resolve conflicts, as it is impossible to avoid conflicts.

For my part. I offered recently to just leave and was encouraged to stay. I did but it seems we are still going round and round, and I'm getting dizzy. So, again,,, I'm going to take a break and that will let the opposing point of view prevail, right or wrong, without dissent.

bye for now

see you on down the road a ways

I often wonder how each person determines what support is. I know that in my past, and maybe even now, likely always, the truth is what I needed to see. Whether that truth be my truth, or that truth be another's truth, I needed to see it. So, if someone informed me of something truthful, though hurtful, it was a precious gift. So, for me, that truth, though it may have been a difficult truth, was most valuable.

I also feel uncomfortable with the huggy bear thing. There have been many times in my life when a call to attention was what I needed, not a hug and a pat on the back, it'll all be ok, when it would never be ok without that call to attention.

So, I think it's good to get a hug when a hug is all that is needed. And, I appreciate getting a call to attention when that's needed.