Hi,
I have been coming to this support group for some comfort and answers for a few weeks now. I haven't made myself known because my BF is aware of my DS account, so I created a new one today for the purpose of this group. This is my last agonizing battle with pornography addiction. There was a time in my life that I watched porn (a few months) but never became addicted, although I did feel the powerful draw to it. However, I won that battle. It never became a problem for me personally.
As a kid, my father always had pornography around the house and garage. He would go to the video store for his father (disabled war vet) often I would go along for the ride. He would get him 3 new pornos every Wednesday and grandpa would actually rate them. I would hear him tell my dad " I don't want any of them nice ones". this went on for years. Grandpa was addicted too.
I can remember when my little sister & I found my moms dildo and other things related to sex. My parents relationship was based on sex rather than love. At the time, we didn't know what the hell this stuff was. We were young, 5/6yr old. Well my father's addiction led to some very perverted behavior. I had 5 sister's, the youngest being my only full sister. The older girls were from a previous marriage and they had a different dad. Anyway, all 5 of us girls shared a room. Our ages ranged from 7-18. One of my sister's discovered a hole that was drilled through the door adjacent to our bedroom. My parents room. It wasn't my mother!
My parents marriage was a wreck already, but that hole in the door was " The straw that broke the camels back"! My parents separated and later divorced. It was an UGLY divorce. Custody battle, fighting over money, you get the idea. My mother was mentally unstable, abusive and very difficult to live with. On the other hand, my dad would take me & my little sis camping, fishing, and shopping. He was hardly ever around with work (iron worker) and friends but when he was, he was a pretty good dad compared to mom. Except for his DIRTY mind. He would often make me feel uncomfortable by telling dirty jokes or saying something inappropriate. I thought that was just how he was... Iron workers are a pretty rough bunch. My sister & I would stay the weekends and some weekdays @ my dad's and things were going pretty good. He would come in early to wake us up for school, church, or the flea market on the weekends. He was becoming more touchy feeley when waking us up and that made me and my sister uncomfortable. One morning, I felt him touch my breasts before attempting to wake me up and I felt different about him from that point on.
Several days later, my sister and I got into an argument, so I took my pillow & blanket to sleep in the living room. I awoke to my father between my legs, calling me "Mary Ann", my mother's name. I was frozen with fear and SHOCK! I just kinda rolled over and said "what are you doing?? Got dressed and ran away! I didn't see my dad for a very long time after that incident. I was only 13 at the time and soon became known as the, "little lying runaway whore"! I continued to run until I got married and pregnant at age 17. I could probably write a book about the years in between, so I won't even go there right now.
I became a target to perverts. I was already labeled a liar so why would anyone be surprised that I was later molested by 2 brother-in-laws and my sister's father-in-law. Those were just the ones in the family, there were more.
I just wanted to give a little of my history with pornography.
In 1995 I met a guy and got pregnant the first time we slept together. Figured, I better get to know the father of my child so we moved in together. I was suspicious of him using porn, so I asked him and he lied.I started to get that sick gut feeling every time he was doing it. I was beside myself and decided to try and help him work it out. Way too BIG a project for one human being. This went on for 6 months and I bailed.
Well, here I am again!!! Moved over 1000 miles away from family & friends and feel helpless & hopeless! The stress of it all..... I have so many other issues (health/children) on my plate.

I know I am all over the place with this and I'm sure it's difficult to follow to say the least. I will try to eventually make sense of this and make myself clear.
I guess the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!